Sunday, September 29, 2013

Can you thank God for trusting you with this experience even if He never tells you why?

This was the exact message that we heard at church the weekend after learning we had just lost our baby.  I honestly felt like God had a huge spotlight shining down on me, as if He was directly asking me this question.

God has trusted us with circumstances, with broken dreams, and with life's unanswered questions.  He has placed them in our path so that we might learn, mature, and grow as a follower of Jesus Christ.

I have listened to this sermon at least 5 times since first hearing it March 17, 2013.  My initial reaction was "No way...I can never "thank" God for taking our baby away from us".  The pain was so new and excruciating that there was no way to comprehend how God could use this experience for good in our life. 

But, as the weeks and months have passed, I have come to a place in this journey that I do see it as "mostly" good.  I understand that God had to let me go through this experience, to let me feel a pain, sadness, loss, and darkness so deep that my only choice was to bring me to my knees and look up to Him for his comfort, love, strength, peace, and guidance.  The past few months have been a daily test of answering the questions, "Will I trust in God or will I try to take over?" or "Will I submit to God's will or will I try to control?".  God has taken me from a place of wanting to be pregnant again so badly (to the point of desiring my will over His) to finally feeling the peace that comes only when you surrender your life to God, when you fully give Him everything and can truthfully say "Lord, let your will be done, not mine".


 
 
God is calling us to be patient, stand firm on His promises, and establish a heart that is rooted deeply in Jesus Christ.  He is watching us, observing and listening to how we respond in times of suffering.  He is using this season to test our faith so that when we come through this trial we will be more mature and have a testimony of God's goodness in our life.




Suffering through a miscarriage, the loss of our precious little baby that was so loved and prayed for, is by far the most painful experience I have ever endured.  No one can truly comprehend it unless they have personally been there.  And, even going through it personally, there is a lack of understanding why God allows some things in life to happen.  I truly believe that it was a tool (the same as losing any loved one, cancer, loss of a job and financially stressful seasons, marriage difficulties, and many more "tools" God has at His disposal) that He used to bring about growth in me personally that has led to a stronger relationship with God, a deeper relationship with my husband, and has forever changed me as a woman, wife, and mother.  It's through this "tool" that God now has a testimony, and for that, I'm able to say "Thank You God!"



Sermon found here:  http://www.friendschurchyl.com/media  March 17, 2013 by Matthew Cork (James 5:7-11)
 


Thursday, September 26, 2013

Our Story

My wonderful husband, Lloyd, and I have been married since June 2011.  We knew before we got married that we wanted to start our family relatively quickly, so we decided to start trying just over a year later in July 2012.  We were so excited to start this beautiful journey, full of anticipation, excitement, and hope! 

The excitement and hope was less and less present with each cycle that passed and still no pregnancy.  After about the 5th month of trying our excitement started turning to concern, asking the questions like, "Is there something wrong" and "will we be able to get pregnant".  We decided to start the journey of seeking out some answers, wanting to be proactive.  So, at the beginning of the 7th cycle, we scheduled appointments for both of us to get a physical and go from there.  I went for my appointment and everything seemed to be okay.  The doctor recommended trying for another few months and then, if I wanted, she would refer us to a specialist. 

A few weeks later, on January 29th, 2013, I was finally late and "had a feeling".  I had proscrastinated a couple days on testing because I did not want to see a negative again.  But, for some reason I just had this gut feeling that I actually was pregnant, so I went home on my lunch hour and took a test...we're pregnant!!!  The love, joy, and excitement of that moment was the BEST feeling ever!  I quickly called Lloyd to share the good news that he was going to be a daddy and he was so ecstatic!



Everything was going so smoothly and we had our first appointment on February 22, 2013.  We were both excited, anxious, and nervous...we really just wanted to see that little heart beat so badly!  We went into the room and waited for the doctor.  At first she asked all the normal questions and then did the ultrasound where we saw a perfect little "peanut" with a heartbeat flickering ever so perfectly!  It was the most beautiful moment that literally brought tears to both of our eyes.  For the first time, we were finally able to SEE and KNOW that we really were pregnant with our son or daughter!  We were able to let go of all the concerns of miscarriage and disbelief and start to get really excited and attached.
 

 

 The next few weeks were a blur, mostly filled with many pregnancy symptoms (fatigue, morning sickness, sore breasts, hungry ALL THE TIME, etc).  We had our next appointmnt on March 12th (10.5 weeks).  Since everything seemed to be progressing normally, Lloyd sat this one out and my mom came to the appointment instead.  We were joking around in the waiting room, excited to see our little baby in a few short moments.  We were quickly called back, did the normal Q&A, peed in a cup, etc.

Now is where the true story begins...

My doctor was going over the labs from the last visit and everything looked perfect.  She started an external ultrasound this time and immediately I knew something was wrong.  I could not see that perfect little heartbeat we had seen just 2.5 weeks earlier.  She was concerned as well and did an internal ultrasound, where we still couldn't find the heartbeat.  She quickly informed me that I could be experiencing a missed miscarriage and sent me to the hospital for confirmation, where they confirmed that we had lost our baby.  I have never cried like I did when I watched the technician type the words, "NO FETAL HEARTBEAT".  I was absolutely devastated, I felt like I was living my worst nightmare.

Long story short, I went through the practical steps of calling Lloyd to tell him the horrible news , deciding whether to miscarry naturally or have a D&C, ending up having a D&C a week later, and trying to process what had just happened. 

Very soon in this process, like when I was at the hospital having the ultrasound done (and praying to God to make the heartbeat appear and him saying, "it's ok, I'm with you and you will get through this but your baby is with me now), the spiritual journey began.  I had so many questions for God like "Why?", "Will we ever get pregnant again?", and "How will I ever get through this pain?". 

We lost our precious baby (who we believe God has told us is a girl and we have named her Joy) just over 6 months ago.  The journey has been the most painful I have ever experienced and yet, there has been so much good that God has shown me all along the way!  I have been tried and tested in my patience, trust in God's plan, leaning on God and learning of his unconditional love and grace.  Through it all I can say the following:  God is good no matter what the circumstances may be, He is faithful, He will NEVER leave you, He is a constant companion especially in a time where you feel so alone, He cries with you when you cry, He has a plan for your life that is far greater than what you will ever imagine, He works all things for good, and He's holding your little baby in His arms.

I can honestly say that this journey (while going through my darkest season in life) has brought me closer to God, strengthened my relationship with Him and my faith in Him, has brought Lloyd and I closer together, and has only just begun to make me a better mother than I could've ever been without going through this season.  These are all things that I'm very thankful for and know that God had to let me go through this experinece to bring about these rewards.

It's my hope through this blog that I can share some of the things God has taught me along the way and to be a blessing and support to those that find themselves going through the same painful journey of waiting while God fulfills their dreams of having a family some day!