Weeks 11 and 12

Mommy's Little Monster

Time sure is going fast these days!  We really haven't been doing much except having some friends visit, trying to get outside for walks, visiting with my mom, and breaking Cameron's nap habits by having him nap in his room and in his rock n play (instead of walking outside with the baby carrier while Cameron naps).  Oh, and we checked out our local MOPS group and met a great group of women and heard a wonderful couple talk on "better understanding our husbands"!  I'm so glad we went and am already looking forward to next month's meetup!

Even so, our days seem to fly by and before I know it weeks have gone by as we live on a two hour schedule of feeding, wake time, and nap time.  This "routine" or "schedule", whatever you want to call it, is so much different than I imagined our days to be.  But, this is just a season and it reminds me to just stop all else in life and enjoy these precious moments with our son!

As for sleep, daylight savings time really effected little Cameron.  He went from sleeping through the night most nights to really having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep for longer than 4 hour stretches.  He is constantly overtired these days and it's pretty exhausting and frustrating. 

Not helping the matter is his horrible napping, which has been bad since Day 1, but is worse now that I refuse to walk him in the baby carrier as he need to learn how to nap in his rock n play.  Most naps take a long time to get him down (up to an hour) and he literally only naps for 20-40 minutes each time because he wakes up during each sleep cycle.  I feel so bad and wish there was something I could do because I know that better napping is good for his health and will also help him sleep better at night.

Mommy's Little Peanut <3 - 12 weeks old!

Even though he's struggling with sleep, he truly is the best little boy ever!  He's so sweet and precious and his smile just melts my heart!  Some of my favorite moments with him are when he first wakes up and just want to cuddle with me.  Then we have a few minutes of diaper change and putting on clothes while he just smiles away and talks to me!  I love his little conversations we have these days...he'll say something (and he's very intentional with his words!) and then he'll laugh, as though what he told me was funny!  It's absolutely the cutest thing ever!

I'm so in love with our little guy and still can't believe that he's here and he is our's!  It's true what people say...there is no greater love than the love a parent has for his/her child!  It's the perfect example of God's love for each and every one of us and a daily reminder of His great and abundant love!  I'm truly blessed beyond words that God gave us our sweet little Cameron...it's an honor and a privilege to be his Mommy!

2 Years Ago...

March 12, 2013 was a life-changing day.  We were pregnant, expecting our first child.  We had seen the heartbeat just 3 weeks earlier and I was feeling very much pregnant when I walked into my routine prenatal appointment.

My OB did the ultrasound and I was completely blindsided when we couldn't find the heartbeat.  In that moment I knew we had lost our precious child. 

I was sent to the hospital to confirm our loss and I can remember looking at the screen and praying so hard for a heartbeat.  But then I watched as the ultrasound technician wrote the words, "NO FETAL HEARTBEAT".  That was truly the worst moment of my entire life.  Two years later and I still feel the pain in that moment like it just happened yesterday.

But in that moment I felt God like I've never felt God before.  Yes, I was beyond devastated and didn't know how I was going to get through that season.  I had to call my husband at work and tell him the horrible news.  I had to decide how to miscarry.  And then I had to start the journey of grieving and the spiritual journey of growth that followed in the many days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

All the while God kept challenging me to TRUST in His plan and daily reminded me that everything works out for His good.  As I sit here and write this blog today I can affirm that that is very true...God used our journey to not only forever change me and Lloyd but to also reach out and support others who have gone through a similar journey.  I have been tremendously blessed with opportunities to be there for friends, both real-life and those I've met on our online forum.  Every time I have the honor and privilege to walk alongside a friend going through a loss or being pregnant after a loss(or losses) it reminds me that God took us through that season of our life for a reason...there was a purpose that is far greater than we could have imagined.

I was reminded of all this as I was reading through my old emails from my OB.  Just after my first loss we were emailing back and forth (I was sharing with her the message we had heard at church "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience even if I never tell you why") and she responded saying that right now we don't understand but in the future we will and God will use this season in our life for good, whether I help others through a loss or that I see more beauty in the world. 

Both of those things could not be more true!  I have been so blessed to help others and to share our story (this blog was very much a prayerful decision, one that I argued with God many times before submitting and starting it...and I'm glad I did because sharing our story has helped so many people).  I also see things so differently now and am a completely different person because of our losses.  Whether it be the small things in life that used to bother me, letting go of "my plans" and letting God direct my life while I wait patiently (or at least try to...I'm still a work in progress!), cherishing moments and memories with family and friends, or the moments when I'm outside on a walk and soaking in all of God's beauty!  I definitely appreciate "life" a lot more thanks to the path we've journyed these past two years...Joy had her own purpose for our life and I'm so incredibly thankful for her (and James too)! 

Most importantly, I'm thankful for God who kept challenging me to TRUST and reassuring me of his faithfulness all the while showering me with love, peace, grace, strength, and mercy!  I've said it many times before...I am thankful for all that we went through.  Yes it was hard but it's a road we needed to travel, that led us to our sweet Cameron, and we will forever continue to share our story as a testimony and to help support others during such a hard time.  God is good and He is faithful...He has a plan and a purpose for every season of life!

Week 10: Shots, Sleeping, and Soccer Game

Cameron and Mommy <3

This week was super busy!  Cameron had his 2 month appointment.  He is doing great and now weighing 9 lbs 10.3 oz- up nearly 2.5 lbs this month!  As his pediatrician stated, "He's following his small little curve"! 

Cameron with Aunt Annette

She is always concerned about how small he is at each appointment.  It never really phases me though because he keeps gaining according to her 1-2 lbs per month guideline.  So when I came home I googled growth chart calculators and learned that he's in the less than 5th percentile for both height and weight.  Oh well, she's not too concerned since he's growing so I just need to relax and realize that my baby is just small (which isn't too surprising since both Lloyd and I aren't exactly tall/big people!).

Cameron with Uncle Ken and Aunt Diana

He also got his shots (3 in the legs and 1 orally).  That was SUPER hard to watch, probably harder on me than him.  Afterwards, I fed him in the nursing room to comfort him (and it was time to eat again) before heading to Walmart to pick up some baby Tylenol. 

The rest of the day was spent relaxing and trying to soothe him.  He sure was pretty fussy and I was terrified with how the night was going to go.  Before bedtime, I gave him more Tylenol and, to my surprise, he fell asleep pretty fast and slept really well (7 1/2 hours straight).

The next two nights were also "Tylenol" nights and he continued to sleep well.  I knew I couldn't keep giving him Tylenol every night and stopped on Saturday night...and again to my surprise he slept 10 1/2 hours!  Nighttime sleeping is going so well these days (daytime napping, not so much) and I'm truly loving and thankful for the extra sleep!

Kaylie <3

On Saturday, my little cousin Kaylie had a soccer game so Cameron and I ventured there to support her and see a lot of my family (my mom, aunt, cousins and little cousins, and brother and his wife).  Cameron did great- falling asleep on the way there and napping for another 30 minutes in the stroller, hanging out with family once awake, ate the second half of the game, and fell asleep on the way home!  It was so wonderful to get out of the house and have a joyful day (typically getting out with Cameron is really stressful as he tends to cry when doing almost anything, especially traveling in the car).  Everyone enjoyed their visit with him too- it truly was a great day!