Day of Hope

Over the past few days Facebook has reminded me that August 19th is the Day of Hope.  It has really caused me to reflect on our journey and where God has taken us.

I have dedicated 2014 as my year of hope.  After all that happened in 2013 (losing two babies and my husband surviving a traumatic fall off our roof) I came into this year with a sense of a new beginning and a new-foundhope.  I was so excited to leave 2013 in the rearview mirror and anticipating all that God would do in 2014.

However, as I reflect on our journey I'm also reminded of those really dark days where hope and faith were really all I had to cling on to.  In fact, hope ran really low on some days and I truly questioned whether or not I would ever be a mom, how many more losses we would have to suffer, would we go through IVF, would we seek adoption.  There were so many unanswered questions but hope kept us going.

After our second loss and the subsequent "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss" diagnosis our journey became much harder.  These questions lingered for a long time.  It was no longer a matter of "if we get pregnant again" but "when we get pregnant again" and the fears of losing yet another baby.  We had committed to trying one last time before seeking further help and more answers.  Hope is what kept us going...hope of one day meeting our son or our daughter and having a healthy baby in our arms.

Today, on this Day of Hope, I'm so incredibly thankful for where God has brought us and our family, especially the beautiful blessing of our baby boy.  But I'm also reminded of the journey that has led us here (the good times and the very hard times) and am sympathetic to all my friends who are still traveling this hard path to having their take home baby.  I think of them all the time and my heart breaks with each and every one of them.  I feel the pain they suffer and the sense that hope is disappearing as God is continuing to call them to wait. 

I don't understand why some of our journeys are so hard and others have it so easy, why some are called to patience and to wait and why some must suffer such significant losses.  But I do know and trust that God has a beautiful plan for each and every one of us and that through the hard times He will use it for our good.  For me, going through the loss of our babies was a forever life-changing journey.  It changed me in so many ways and I view it today as good.  I'm thankful for the path God took us down (although I would never wish to go through it again) because of all the changes it has brought in me and the friendships I have made throughout this season that will last a lifetime.

Today, I'm thinking of my friends (many of who are already mothers but never got to hold their baby/babies), especially those who are feeling like hope is fading.  I'm praying for each and every one of them and hoping that they remember that their desire to be a mom is a desire that God himself has placed in their heart.  So long as that desire remains I'm confident that, in His perfect timing, He will fulfill that desire.  I pray that each and everyone of my friends holds on to hope and never gives up because each and everyone of you are already the best mom a child could ever ask for! 

22 and 23 weeks!

Me at 22w6d

Wow, where is the time going these days!?!?  Today I am 23w2d pregnant and couldn't be more excited for where God has me!  I am extremely blessed and am loving every minute of being pregnant, especially when little Cameron blesses me with his kicks- they truly are the best!  So excited for our little guy and cannot wait to meet him in less than 4 months!

Other than being pregnant, we have been really busy with life lately.  The weekend before last we had a baby shower for some close friends of ours (they are having a boy too!), got to meet Lloyd's best friend's son Jacob (who was only 10 days old at the time and so very cute and precious!), and celebrated my dad's birthday and spent some good quality time with him and my step mom before making the trek home. 

On the way home we stopped at Walmart to stock up on our camping supplies we needed for this past weekend's adventures.  We also relaxed a little that evening by enjoying a little happy hour action at a local restaurant, American Road Trip (delicious burgers and great beer prices for Lloyd), and a movie to close out the weekend.

Lloyd with view from campsite

This past weekend we went camping!!  It was so much fun- so much so that we are looking into doing another weekend here in the upcoming month or so!  We went to one of our favorite destinations (Idyllwild) but stayed at a new site this time (we have stayed at Dark Canyon in the past and love it). 



View from campsite

We arrived at Marion Mountain Campground (which is also the start of a nice trek to the top of Mt. San Jacinto- a hike Lloyd and I have done 3 times, once being from this trailhead) on Friday around 12 p.m.  We were quickly greeted by the Forest Ranger who also had a lot of helpful information about the surrounding sites (he highly recommended Boulder Basin which is where we will likely go next).  Once done talking to the ranger we unpacked the car and setup camp before relaxing for a little while.

Sunset from campsite (Friday)

Later that evening we decided to walk down to Dark Canyon.  We knew it was about 2 1/2 miles but thought we would do it anyways.  It ended up being a long walk but am so glad we did it.  Thankfully we ran into a nice fellow camper at Dark Canyon who gave us some water as the campground does not have any safe drinking water and our walk home was all uphill with about 1,100 ft elevation gain.

Sunset from hike

Back at camp we made turkey burgers and baked beans for dinner, got the camp fire going, and watched a beautiful sunset!  We finished the evening with s'mores and relaxing next to the fire before calling it a night.

Love the pine cones on the trees!

Saturday was very relaxing...we mad breakfast, walked up the trail to an old log cabin, read part of our book together (And Baby Makes Three: Babyproofing Your Marriage), played cards, made lunch and dinner (sandwiches and tacos, respectively), relaxed, sat on top a rock and saw a beautiful sunset, and had a camp fire and made banana boats and s'mores.

Sunset from hike (Sat)

Sunday was more or less the same as the previous two days...we woke up, had some coffee/hot chocolate, packed up our stuff, did some more reading, and walked down to another campground (Fern Basin...probably our least favorite out of the three but glad we checked it out) before heading home. 

God truly has me (and us) in a great spot right now!  I am so so thankful for the journey He has us on and find myself daydreaming of all the things we have to look forward to in the upcoming months!  On my walks (which I try to take at least once per day, if not twice) I think about what my days will look like as a stay-at-home mom, the things I look forward to doing with Cameron (going for walks, hiking, going to the park, church, moms groups, library, and just hanging out at home), what our schedule might look like, things I want us to do as a family, etc.  Life truly is so good right now!  My heart is full of joy, happiness, and love!  All thanks to God who has brought me to this point in our journey and the blessing of being able to enjoy being pregnant and the hope and joy in meeting our son very soon!

21 Weeks!

Today I am 21w5d pregnant and little Cameron is doing just awesome!  I had an appointment yesterday with my OB and his precious heart beat is beating just perfectly! 

It really was a great visit with many topics discussed.  I addressed my hip pain that visits almost on a nightly basis, waking me up from my sleep and having a hard time going back to sleep afterwards.  She kind of laughed and said that it was normal and another thing we can blame on little Cameron.

We talked about his name and how we came up with it.  We talked about finding out that he is a boy and how proud dad's are of their little guys.  She also shared with me that she has two sons and daughters and it's amazing how enthralled little boys (and men of all ages) are with their penises and bodily functions while her daughters could care less about these things.

I addressed my concern over being tired all the time and she said that it was also normal but that we would test my thyroid again, as it was time anyways.  The results came back this morning and it's the same as it was two months ago, perfectly in the normal range!

We talked about little baby kicks and how I'm feeling little Cameron more and more!  She shared that I might feel him one day and then not again for a couple days and that's completely normal.  I also shared with her that our little guy is quite the stinker already...every time he kicks and I put my hand on my belly he tends to stop.  This has happened every time with Lloyd so far and it makes me a little sad because I want Lloyd to feel Cameron kicking too.  She suggested that Lloyd and I spoon while falling asleep (me in the back, belly on Lloyd's back) and that he might feel them that way (it was the only way her husband would feel kicks while she was pregnant).  We just might have to try this...when the weather cools down though!

We talked about finding his Pediatrician, classes she recommends us taking, when to schedule these classes, and what to expect in the upcoming weeks.  I also let her know about my work situation and how taxing it is on me with my very early hours (to avoid an even longer commute) and my hellacious commute (I live 50 miles from work and have to travel through some of the worst traffic in the nation).  She empathized and told me to keep her posted on how I'm feeling and we'll go from there.

She also warned me to be cautious of my weight gain.  I was up 9 lbs since my last visit 6 1/2 weeks ago.  I know that I was borderline but I also think that I was retaining more fluid, etc causing my weight to be a little more concerning that it should have been.  Either way, it was a warning that I will take to heart and be as diligent as I can be over the next few weeks.  I already exercise at least 60 minutes every day, sometimes more, and I eat pretty healthy so maybe just making some very small tweaks will go a long ways.  My goal going into pregnancy was to gain 30 lbs (this is what is considered normal as I was normal weight pre-pregnancy...ironically, the less you weight pre-pregnancy, the more they expect you to gain during pregnancy).  I'm currently up 16 lbs so hopefully I don't gain too much this last half.

At the end of the appointment she asked if I was feeling better and more relaxed about the pregnancy and I was happy to tell her that I am!  It's been quite the journey and it feels so good to know that we will have this little guy in our arms in 4 months or so!  It's also great to be on this journey with her as my OB- she truly is a blessing from God...I couldn't ask for a better OB and it's great to see her share in our happiness and joy!  Yesterday was one of those moments you pray and dream of when all the worries start to disappear and it becomes fun again, just like I envisioned when we started on this journey 2 years ago.  Her relief and excitement for us was clearly evident and it was so reassuring to know that we have arrived at that point where it's now about having fun and excitedly anticipating the arrival of our son!

Other than my appointment, I have completed our registry, we decided on our nursery theme and some of the decor, I have organized our baby shower invite list and provided it to the hosts, I signed us up for childbirth preparation class and our hospital tour, and we bought Cameron's first Bible!

God is so, so incredibly good!  I remember when we were walking through the darkest of times and friends/family/supporters would point out that someday we wouldn't hurt so bad.  That pain that we suffered for so long is slowly fading and we are inching our way to a place I honestly didn't know we would ever get to.  It's been a journey and one that I am so thankful for!  Yes, I miss my two other babies but there's a feeling that is indescribable now that I have Cameron...I can honestly say that there was a purpose for each and every tear and all the heartache- this little guy was worth the wait!