Natural Miscarriage and Saying Goodbye

***WARNING: Graphic Details and Pictures***

When we lost Joy we found out and then had a D&C a week later.  It was like my body did not realize that we had lost the baby because at 10.5 weeks (or 11.5 weeks for that matter) the miscarriage process had not even started (Joy had stopped growing at about 8-9 weeks).  By having a D&C I was able to avoid the physical pain and it was over rather quickly.

This time couldn't have been more different.  I started spotting on November 5th and continued through November 11th.  We even saw the heartbeat on November 11th so we were hopeful that everything was going to be okay.  On November 12th, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was a clot about the size of a quarter (maybe a little bigger) and quite a bit of blood.

I immediately called my doctor and sent her an email.  She quickly responded and let me know that all we could do was wait and hope for the best (I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday and we had just seen the heartbeat the day before). 

We found out at our appointment on Thursday that our baby's heart had stopped beating...we have another angel in heaven.

 

The bleeding continued to get progressively worse and the cramps were really bad, especially at night (I woke up in pain Thursday evening and again on Friday).  By Saturday morning (November 16th), the cramping was getting worse and I prayed that I would miscarry over the weekend. 

It was a rainy, gloomy morning but the weather cleared up enough for me to go see my sweet little cousin, Kaylie, play soccer!  Both her and Keagan are such a joy to be around- they have a way of lifting your spirit even on the darkest of days!

After the game I stopped off at Stater Bro's to return our movie and get some food to make chili.  While returning the moving, I sneezed and felt a gush of blood.  "Oh, no", I thought and decided that food wasn't that important after all...it was time to get home.

I continued to bleed SOOOO much the rest of Saturday.  I couldn't walk, cough, or basically move without feeling like so much blood was leaving my body.  It was really disgusting at times, physically painful due to the cramps, and extremely emotional every time I went to the bathroom wondering when I was going to "pass" our baby. 

 

At one point I passed a clot the size of my palm.  I cried.  I didn't know what it was, if it was the baby or not, why I was bleeding so much, and when this process was going to end.  Lloyd quickly came up to be by my side and comforted me as I sat on the toilet crying.

I went to bed only to be woken up at 12:30 am in excruciating pain.  Seriously, no amount of warning can prepare you for the pain I was experiencing.  Some say it's like your worst period and other's say it's like being in labor...for me, it was like being in labor.

I went downstairs to the couch to try to get comfortable.  That didn't work so I got on my computer.  A few minutes later I decided the pain was unbearable and took a Vicodin, hoping it would help.  I went back upstairs and alternated between the bathroom and the guest bedroom.  At one point I was in the bathroom, in so much pain and just started crying and screaming.  Lloyd woke up and asked if I was okay...I told him no and he tried his best comfort me.  I alternated between having bad diarrhea, trying to vomit, sweating, and shaking (from both the contractions and my body reacting to Vicodin).

Eventually I got the energy to get in the shower to take a hot bath.  I stayed there for a good 20 minutes and it seemed to help with the pain.  Around 3 am, I went back to our bed and laid next to Lloyd until I finally fell asleep.  The cramps had calmed down and I was able to sleep for another 2 hours or so before finally waking up.

Upon waking up, I realized that the bleeding had subsided and my cramps were almost non-existent.  Part of me felt like I had passed our baby because I was physically feeling better; however, there was a part of me that believed it had not happened because I did not see any tissue pass.

I spent most of the day wondering if it was over or if more was to come.  Around 4:45 pm on Sunday, just as dinner was finishing up, I went to the bathroom and heard something "big" drop in the toilet.  I put my hand in there and reach for what was our gestational sac.  I yelled to Lloyd, "I have our baby!"  He quickly came up and we began dissecting the sac to see our baby.

What a beautiful sight!  It's amazing how developed a baby is at 7 weeks...we could easily distinguish the head, spine, arms and legs that were just beginning to form.  It felt so uplifting and peaceful to SEE and HOLD our baby!  I'm forever thankful for this moment!

Since I was miscarrying naturally, my wish was to "rescue" our baby and not to flush it down the toilet.  To me, that would just be cruel and I felt the need and desire to honor our baby by giving it a proper burial. 

This is our placeholder stone...we are working on getting a personalized one!

When Lloyd got home Monday evening, we dug a hole in our backyard.  We said a prayer thanking God for our precious baby and the time that we were blessed to share with our baby.  It was a beautiful moment...providing both closeness between Lloyd and myself and closure for both of us.

A Heart Filled with Thankfulness

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY BLESSED THANKSGIVING!!!

This year can easily be described as the best of times and the worst of times.  However, as I have traveled through life the past couple of weeks, I am reminded of how much God has provided for me and how extremely blessed I am!

 

I am forever thankful for my amazing husband!  Through the good times and the bad times, I am continually amazed at just how perfect he is for me.  God knew exactly what I needed in my husband and Lloyd is all of that and more! 

 

 

We are so very thankful for our two precious little babies!  Thank you God for every day, moment, and memory we had with Joy and James!  I am forever thankful for all the wonderful memories God has given us...from finding out we are pregnant, praying each and every day for our babies during pregnancy, seeing the heartbeat, being able to see and hold James, and knowing that our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus!

 

 



 

We are so blessed to have an awesome family, both immediate and extended.  Everyone has been so loving, encouraging, and supportive through all the trials.  Both Lloyd and I are so grateful for their unconditional love and support and cannot wait for the day when we get to make our parents grandparents!  Thank you so much for all that you do and always being here for us.

 

We are thankful for all of our wonderful friendships, both old and new!  Personally, I am so thankful for Carol and CJ, Sandy, Carmen, Whitney, Jan, Claudia, Joanna, Christy, Vonny, Valerie, and Karina (to name a few!).  Thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement, love, support, and friendship! 

 

A few other things to be thankful for...our new church, our new home, our good health, and that we both have great jobs with wonderful co-workers!

Even If

 

 

A few weeks ago, in the Celebrating Joy post, I mentioned how this song is dedicated to the journey I traveled in the months following the loss of our precious Joy.  This song was a gift from God one day while driving in the car and I knew the minute that I heard it that it would be instrumental to my healing and standing firm in the goodness of God's faithfulness. 

This past week has been HARD, both physically and emotionally, but in so many ways the loss of this precious baby boy (name still TBD) is different from the loss of Joy.  Yes, the pain is raw and it hurts more than words can describe.  The sadness is very deep.  And the anger...it's what is keeping me from completely breaking down (I guess I'm just not ready to go there yet).

As I begin the journey of traveling down the path of grieving and healing, the BIG difference I am noticing is that I can see the light at the end of this long tunnel. 

 

 

You see, last time I traveled this road it was completely filled with darkness (at least in the beginning).  Although I knew and trusted in God's promises, I just could not see how God was going to use the loss of Joy as a "good thing".  But, He did...going through that chapter in my life forever changed me as a mom, wife, woman, and follower of Jesus Christ.  The journey grew me in ways that I would've never grown had I not walked that path...it changed my heart completely and for the better! 

And, it changed our marriage as well!  We are so much stronger today because we were able to walk this road together.  We were challenged with turning toward each other during a time when many couples tend to walk the path separately.  We grew closer through praying more together as a couple and as I shared this blog with Lloyd (he was able to really understand just how hard the loss of Joy was on me).

It's in knowing all of this that I now can walk this path, one step at a time, knowing that there is so much light in the midst and at the end!  I am fully confident that God will move me in new ways and continue to work in me.  Although I know that we have a long road ahead of us (grieving, healing, seeking answers through testing, and wherever else this journey takes us) there is a part of me that is genuinely excited to see where God is taking me this time!

Speaking of, Jesus Calling for November 19th offered the following message:

LEAVE OUTCOMES UP TO ME.  Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion.  Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help.  When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence.  Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.

 

You already know the ultimate destination of your journey; your entrance into heaven.  So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.

Lift My Life Up

This morning as I was driving to work, I was thinking of where God has me right now.  The loss of our baby is starting to hit me emotionally as the physical part is slowly making it's way to the finish line.  I feel so lost and sad (and angry), not only for the loss of our baby but what it now means moving forward (healing- both emotionally and physically, testing, getting answers, and hoping/praying that our next pregnancy is successful).

Needless to say, I was in a pretty dark place.  I had an appointment with my OB yesterday and it was mostly filled with frustrating news.  There is still uterus (lining) in my uterus, we don't have the chromosome testing back yet (about one more week, so hopefully before Thanksgiving), we have not received approval to see the specialist(s), no trying again for 2-3 months or until we get approval from the specialist(s), and no sex for 2 weeks after the bleeding stops (I'm still bleeding and passing tissue so this could be a while).

While in this dark place, all of a sudden this song came on the radio.  I've heard this song many times before but for some reason it "spoke" to me this morning and lifted my spirit!  It's a reminder that as we move further and further along this journey, each step along the way causes me to submit more and more to God and His plan!  With this current setback and disappointment I definitely feel a sense of throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Take it all God...guide me along your path and let your will be done!".

 

 

Through all the trials, disappointments, setbacks, frustrations, and fears, God continues to provide and gives me strength to trust in His plan!  His plan is far greater than anything I can ever imagine and it's the hope that keeps me going!  I believe with all my heart that God will continue to move me and grow me through this process...and I undoubtedly believe that He will bless us with our baby that we will hold in our arms some day soon!

 

God has my whole heart, my entire life is placed in His loving and trustworthy hands!  As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for the Lord my God is with me!  Amen!

 

 

 

 



Our Story- Part 2: Another Angel in Heaven

On November 5th I had another blood test done to see how my HCG levels were doing.  The results came back so much better than we ever imagined...2803, which means HCG was doubling every 3 days (up to 4 days is considered normal at this point)!

We were absolutely elated and praising God immediately!  I felt like I could finally "let go", stop riding the roller coaster of the ups and downs, and really start enjoying this beautiful gift that God had blessed us with! 

However, this was slightly short-lived as just 6 hours later I discovered spotting while going to the bathroom.  I called to let Lloyd know and we committed to praying and lifting up this pregnancy and baby into God's hands.  "Whatever your will is Lord is what we want!" was our prayer over the upcoming very long 9 days.

 

I emailed the "substitute" doctor the next morning to let him know what was going on.  He was excited about the HCG results and not really concerned about the spotting (it was brown, not transferring to a pad, etc so his lack of concern was logical). 

I continued to spot for the next 6 days and, after surviving the weekend, woke up Monday morning and let Lloyd know that I wanted to email the doctor and ask to be seen (the spotting was getting worse and I didn't want to wait another 4 days for my original first prenatal appointment).  The doctor was very kind and fit me in at 11:00 on November 11th.

Lloyd met me for the appointment and we waited until we were called back.  We were both anxious and nervous for the news we were about to receive.  When the nurse led us into the room to wait for the doctor, Lloyd asked to pray and that we did. 

Shortly after, the doctor came in and asked all the normal questions.  Once those were completed he proceeded to do an internal exam before doing what we really wanted and were waiting for...an internal ultrasound!

As soon as the ultrasound started, the first thing I noticed was that our baby was IN my uterus (this was good because we were still concerned about an ectopic/tubal pregnancy)!  At first, the ultrasound reminded me of our missed miscarriage because we didn't see the heartbeat right away.  The doctor zoomed in and immediately we saw what we were really hoping to see...a perfect, strong heartbeat!!!  It truly does not get any better than that! 

We cried and thanked God (and the doctor) and had a conversation about our chances of this ending in a healthy baby.  The doctor informed us that our chances of miscarrying were now 15% (many will say anywhere between 5-10% once the heartbeat is seen).  We were now not worried about HCG and progesterone and could continue on knowing that our baby was very much viable and alive!  We were also excited to learn that we were able to keep our original appointment and were looking forward to seeing our baby again in 3 more days!

 

That day was filled with so much JOY!  Even my manager commented on how he had not seen me smile like that in a long time (probably since our first pregnancy back in Jan/Feb). 

And then again, it was short-lived as exactly 24-hours later I started bleeding.  This wasn't just a little bit of blood either.  It was definitely enough to call the doctor immediately and ask for advice.  However, since I had my appointment on Thurs and we had just seen the heartbeat and there wasn't anything we could do to change whatever outcome was to come...I had to wait and be patient...and pray like never before!

I spent the next day at home, literally doing nothing but sitting on the couch, our front porch, or taking a nap.  I prayed and prayed that we would still have our baby and see the heartbeat on Thurs.  I will be honest and say that the wait between the bleeding and the appointment was very hard but I had not lost hope...I truly believed everything was going to be okay and we would still have a heartbeat.

Thursday morning came and both Lloyd and I were very excited for our appointment.  Time could not go by any faster that morning!  Again, we met up and waited to be seen.  The nurse called me back, did the normal Q&A, took a urine sample, and then led me back to the room (and I went to get Lloyd).  As we waited for the doctor, we prayed! 

My doctor came in and we went over what was going on.  Instead of doing the normal Q&A, data input, etc she was kind and started the ultrasound (to not keep me waiting any longer).  She immediately saw our baby and took the measurements...our baby had grown and was measuring 6 week, 6 days with an EDD of July 4th, 2014!  Hallelujah for a fireworks baby!!!

And then our nightmare began...we couldn't see the precious little heartbeat we had just seen 3 days earlier.  We were both in shock and disbelief that here we were again, going through the same exact process and journey we had just gone through 8 months earlier.  We were absolutely devastated beyond words.

 

My doctor went through the normal routine of how to proceed...needing to confirm at the hospital (with another ultrasound), making a decision about D&C vs. natural vs. medication, and how to move forward (testing that can be done, referral to a specialist, etc).

We got dressed and went to check-out with the nurse.  While doing so, the "substitute" doctor came out and offered his condolences and advice.  He even started the testing process by ordering chromosome testing for both Lloyd and myself (a simple blood test that we were able to complete before leaving).

We left and headed to the hospital (which I really did not want to do as it was such a traumatic experience the first time) to confirm our loss.  The ultrasound technician was kind and let us see our baby after finishing her diagnosis.  They used infra-red to show blood flow throughout my body but nothing within our baby.  We had indeed lost our precious little baby.  We find comfort in knowing and believing that both our babies are together in heaven and in the arms of Jesus!

 

Here we are again, grieving the loss of our baby that we loved so much and wondering, "Why?", "Will we ever be parents?", and now the new question of "Is there something wrong that is causing us to lose our babies?"

We have so many questions and very little answers at this moment...but one thing remains- our faith is stronger than it's ever been!  I trust and believe that we will be blessed with beautiful babies in the not so distant future.  I am holding on to God's promises and know that He will be victorious in the end and that this is just another chapter in our story...one that I know will be filled with growth and that I pray will be used for His glory!

Jesus Calling- November 8, 2013

Jesus Calling today was perfect, especially with all the highs and lows of the past few weeks!  It reminded me to look back on all that God has done, how much He has provided for us, and that He's right here in the midst of these circumstances.  His love, grace, mercy, and peace continue to amaze me on a daily basis and I truly know that I can get through anything with Him by my side!

 

Learn to appreciate difficult days.  Be stimulated by the challenges you encounter along your way.  As you journey through rough terrain with Me, gain confidence from your knowledge that together we can handle anything.  This knowledge is comprised of three parts: your relationship with Me, promises in the Bible, and past experiences of coping successfully during hard times.

 

Look back on your life, and see how I have helped you through difficult days.  If you are tempted to think, "Yes, but that was then, and this is now," remember who I AM!  Although you and your circumstances may change dramatically, I remain the same throughout time and eternity.  This is the basis of your confidence.  In My Presence you live and move and have your being.

 

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

 

But you remain the same,

and your years will never end.

Psalm 102:27

 

"For in him we live and move and have our being.'  As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'"

Acts 17:28

God is Able

The past two weeks have been filled with numerous blessings and countless prayers answered!  Lloyd and I are extremely grateful for all that God is doing in our lives and for all of our friends and family that are alongside this journey with us, praying each and every step of the way for Baby Henderson!

This past Tuesday morning I walked over to Kaiser to complete another blood test.  While walking, I prayed to God asking Him to perform a miracle while also lifting our baby and this pregnancy into His loving hands.  I walked in, got my lab work paper, and waited to be called back.

The woman that's usually there, and whom I've seen for many of these test, quickly called me back.  As she was taking my blood I asked her to check if the order was placed as STAT and she confirmed that it was.  She told me that I would have my results by 2 p.m.

A few hours later while on lunch and surfing the internet, I saw the email come through saying that I had new lab results.  Every time I get these emails, my heart starts beating faster with anticipation.  I quickly signed in to Kaiser and located the results....2803!!!  I already knew that it was AWESOME news- our little peanut is a champ and a fighter!  I was elated, joyfully crying, and praising God!

I quickly went outside to call Lloyd and let him know the great news!  I left him a message in which he quickly returned and we were able to rejoice in knowing that our precious little baby is back on track!

After catching up with Lloyd, I went back to work and sent out "update" texts to those I had asked for prayers in these past couple of weeks.  Needless to say, I was beaming from ear to ear for the remainder of the work day!

That afternoon I went over to Carol's to spend time with her and CJ.  We had such a great visit, getting to catch up, holding CJ and taking her for a walk, and enjoying dinner together!  These two girls are simply amazing...holding CJ is a reminder of what a miracle and blessing she is- she truly is perfect and full of joy!

I planned to spend the night...as Carol was getting CJ ready for bed, I checked in with Lloyd.  After getting off the phone I started getting ready for bed myself.  I went to the bathroom where I saw quite a bit of brown spotting.  It was a scary sight to say the least.

Carol came down from putting CJ to bed and I let her know what was going on.  She was so kind and immediately put her hand on my belly and we prayed.  I called Lloyd one more time to let him know what was going on.  We were both stunned, in shock, and disbelief...we had just hours before gotten such great news and here we were again, wondering if our little peanut was going to make it.

I put a pad on and proceeded with going to bed.  As I was turning off the lights, Lloyd called and let me know that brown spotting is pretty normal but that I should let my doctor know (he was doing research on Google, trying to comfort both of us!).  We said goodnight and I went to bed.

The next morning, I saw an email from the "substitute" doctor saying that the HCG numbers were now rising VERY NICELY, as he put it!  I responded and let him know about the spotting but he seemed to be unconcerned, which I took as a sign to not worry about it too much!

It's been three days or so and the spotting is still very light but present.  I have been working from home these past few days and resting as much as possible.  The spotting is a little concerning but at the same time I feel so much comfort knowing that God is in control of all of this!  He is so faithful and constantly providing me with His peace and strength! 

We have our first appointment on Nov. 14th and I'm very excited at the possibility of seeing our little baby's heartbeat for the first time!!

Psalm 62:5

I was blessed to receive this verse on Sunday while doing communion at church!  It's very practical for the journey that Lloyd and I are on right now while we patiently wait for God's answer for this precious baby!

 

 

I have experienced so much of God's glorious peace and love this past week!  I honestly know that no matter what God's answer is, it's a good answer.  Of course, I selfishly want to keep this baby and love this baby for all the days of his or her life.  I selfishly want to be a mom and for us to have our family.  It's a natural desire, especially because I truly believe that God has placed that desire in both of our hearts. 

 

I know, believe, and have so much faith that God can do what God does best...answers prayers and performs miracles!  I know that if it's God's will, we will see our precious baby (maybe a heart beat) next week at our ultrasound appointment.

 

I also know that if it's not God's will for us to keep this baby here on earth, we will get through it.  And, it's not a denial from God but another "Not Yet".  I truly believe that God has kids in our future...we just don't know when His perfect timing is!  Lloyd and I are very much committed to this journey and will remain patient and keep trying no matter what obstacles come our way!   

 

Hoping and praying for a miracle in the upcoming weeks!  It starts with today as I have to do another blood test to check my HCG and progesterone levels.  It continues next week as we have our first ultrasound appointment, where we will hopefully see a nice gestational sac, embryo, and heart beat (although unlikely due to the low HCG numbers...it might be too early)!

 

At the end of church service on Sunday, the pastor provided a summary of the book of Revelation:

 

It gets worse.

 

Hang on.

 

Jesus wins!

 

This 100% describes our journey right now!  And yes, I do believe that no matter what happens, no matter what circumstances we face...Jesus will win in this journey!  My hope lies in Him alone who can do immeasurably more than we can ever ask for!