Monday, March 31, 2014

Jesus Calling- March 31, 2014

Psalm 34:8This morning's Jesus Calling devotional was absolutely perfect.  I really needed the reminder that Jesus is good in all circumstances and that He truly does bring one of the greatest gifts...His peace!  A reminder of the peace that comes from Jesus is exactly what I needed this morning as I am 7 DPO and just five more days until I get to test and hopefully receive the greatest prayer answered!  The waiting definitely has it's moments of excitment, nervousness, fear, and anxiety...a reminder to bring it all back to God and let Him supply my heart, mind, and soul with peace was the perfect way to start this Monday!

How true is it that His blessings come in mysterious ways!?!?  This has definitely been my journey...through the pain of our miscarriages and journey to start our family, there have been tremendous blessings!  Both Lloyd and I feel so thankful that God loves us so much that He has blessed us in this way.  It's our journey, our story...and God is using it to mold us in ways that we very much need and needed.  We would never have chosen this path but being able to see all the good these trials have produced, we wouldn't trade it either!  God is good, He is faithful, and His love endures forever!

"Peace be with you!" -John 20:19- http://today.reframemedia.com/TASTE AND SEE THAT I AM GOOD.  The more intimately you experience Me, the more convinced you become of My goodness.  I am the Living One who sees you and longs to participate in your life.  I am training you to find Me in each moment and to be a channel of My loving Presence.  Sometimes My blessings come to you in mysterious ways:  through pain and trouble.  At such times you can know My goodness only through your trust in Me.  Understanding will fail you, but trust will keep you close to Me.
 
{Peace} Colossians 3:15 via Little House on the Circle
Thank Me for the gift of My Peace, a gift of such immense proportions that you cannot fathom its depth or breadth.  When I appeared to My disciples after the resurrection, it was Peace that I communicated first of all.  I knew this was their deepest need:  to calm their fears and clear their minds.  I also speak Peace to you, for I know your anxious thoughts.  Listen to Me!  Tune out other voices, so that you can hear Me more clearly.  I designed you to dwell in Peace all day, every day.  Draw near to Me; receive My Peace.
 
My prayer for this next week is to bring any and all worry and anxiety to God, to give it all to Him and let him carry my burdens, filling me with His peace that surpasses all understanding.  This will be a constant prayer but I know that when I draw near to God in these moments I will be filled with peace and be able to rest in His promises! 
 
Lord, may you fill my heart with peace and wisdom as I wait on your answer!  Please give me a heart and mind to release all my worries and burdens to you.  May my heart be filled with your desires and will for my life!  You are good...ALL THE TIME!  In Jesus' name, AMEN!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Try Our Best, Let God Do The Rest

Photo: Seek the Lord during your day!

Say “Amen” if you’re ready for God’s will, plan, and strength in your life!"Try our best, let God do the rest" has been our motto for quite some time now.  We have both been committed to having "good timing" because really that's the only thing we can control.  But, we know that no matter how great our timing and how much sex we enjoy, it's really up to God to make this little miracle happen!

This cycle is our "last chance for a baby in 2014" cycle.  We will be due around the middle of December if God says "yes".  I don't know why, but these little milestones tend to give us a little extra incentive in the "trying" department and this cycle was no different.

In the past two cycles I have ovulated on CD 14 (cycle day 14) and I figured that this cycle would be no different.  Cycle Day 14 happened to be a Friday so our "plan" was to have sex on Sun, Tues, Thurs, Fri, and Sat (if needed). 

Friday morning arrives and my temp drops really low so I'm confident that Friday is the day.  I let Lloyd know and I get extra excited and full of anticipation for our time together.  We had a great time and were so full of hope that we had "good timing". 

Saturday morning arrives, I take my temperature and sure enough it has gone up!  However, my secondary signs were not aligning and I was skeptical.  I let Lloyd know and he agreed that we needed to give it another go!  Can I just say that I am so thankful for this man!!!  He truly is a team player and goes above and beyond in supporting me and us in this journey...it's moments like this that I am so grateful, thankful, and reassured that we are in this together!

On to Sunday...I take my temperature again and it was slightly lower than Saturday's and very borderline.  Again, secondary signs do not align and I know for sure that I have not ovulated yet.  I honestly did not have the heart to tell Lloyd because I knew that 4 days in a row was really, really pushing it and I was willing to let it go and give it to God.  Lloyd, however, figured it out and we were able to laugh at the situation (visualizing that God is laughing right there with us!).  So, in an effort to keep up our great timing and not give up, we decided that another afternoon session of lovemaking was in order!  I'm definitely not complaining...I'm a very lucky woman!!! :)

Photo: "The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever." -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young   

#PraiseHim #BlessedAssurance #JesusCallingMonday morning arrives and as I'm taking my temperature, I'm literally praying for it to be high.  I have to wake up super early during the week (3:40 am) and Lloyd was passed out when my alarm went off.  My thermometer beeps and I walk across the hallway to our other bathroom to not disturb Lloyd.  I couldn't believe it...my temperature took a huge drop (96.14, almost 1 degree lower than "coverline").  My heart sunk.  I was feeling pretty devastated and a little shocked, so much so that I re-took my temperature (it read 96.54, still not high enough).

I didn't say anything to Lloyd until we were talking later that morning.  He asked and I let him know.  Again, for the 4th day in a row, I was confident that today is the day.  I decided that it was really up to God and it didn't matter if we had sex one more time or not.  We had good timing regardless of one more "last ditch effort".  Lloyd, however, wanted to give it another go since we had already tried so hard to have the best timing possible.  What's one more day!?!?

Moving on to yesterday (Tues)...my alarm went off and this time Lloyd was awake.  As I was taking my temperature, he whispered, "please be high!".  I was quietly praying the same words while waiting for the thermometer to beep!  It finally did and Lloyd told me to let him know the verdict.  I walked to the bathroom and looked at the thermometer...hallelujah, 97.13!  I walked back to our room and gave Lloyd a kiss, letting him know that I thought we were officially in the 2WW and thanked him again for all his love and support!

Today's temperature was even higher and my secondary signs are in alignment, confirming ovulation for Monday.  We officially have the best timing (out of all 19 cycles of TTC) this cycle (and set a few records in the process!)!  And, I've got to say...this has been one of our most fun cycles...even though we had days where we had to, we both genuinely enjoyed our intimate time together (which is sometimes really hard to do with the stress and pressure of TTC...but I'm so thankful that this is an area we seem to struggle a little less than other couples in our same situation.  I think part of that is due to keeping our focus and priority on our marriage and relationship in the sex department even in the midst of "trying").

Photo: Start the week out knowing that you are covered in God’s love!

Pass this onto someone who really needs to know that!

Have a great week!So, we are officially in the 2WW today (2 DPO) and I am excited and full of hope!  It's time to sit back, relax, and continue praying for God's will over this cycle...whatever His answer, I find peace in knowing that we tried our best and it's up to Him to do the rest!  I'm praying for a "yes" but I'm also praying for peace and patience while we wait for His perfect timing.  Whatever the answer, yes or no, I have so much hope in God's timing...we will be pregnant again some day soon, now is the time to rest in God's presence and His plan because it truly is a great plan!





Wednesday, March 19, 2014

If It Be Your Will

Today's devotional from The One Year Book of Hope really spoke to me. 

"Often I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for physical healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for healing of the body. And in these prayers, there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, 'If it be your will.' But shouldn't we switch that around? Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, 'God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into an instrument that you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?' And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, 'If that includes healing, we will be grateful.'"

Photo: What destination is God mapping out in your life?So often I have prayed for me to be pregnant in any given cycle (let's be honest, it's been an almost daily prayer and desire of my heart since we started this adventure in July 2012) or for physical healing (and emotional too) from the miscarriages and/or anything else that might be going on in my uterus. 

It wasn't until recently that I have changed my prayers to be more consistent in praying for God's will and His perfect timing over my need and desire to be pregnant.  Today, the prayer is more of a "I trust You and Your timing.  Please give me peace and patience while I wait for your answer.  You know the desire of my heart and how much I would love to be pregnant, so if that's You will, I will be so thankful".

This has been an area of honest struggle for me.  As a follower of Jesus I know and believe that He can make any and all miracles happen.  He can answer any prayer request that I give to Him.  And, He can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask.  Even after many months of praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby and not having these prayers answered, I still believe this with all that I am.

It was just before our last pregnancy, maybe around August or September 2013, when I fully surrendered this entire journey to God and got to the place where I was truly able to pray for God's will over my own (I might have prayed it before but my heart did not catch up until around this time frame).  And when I started praying that prayer, there was a relief, a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders and a sense of peace and strength that came with it.  I had not felt so much peace and reassurance in so long and it felt great!  It's because of that that I continue to pray for God's will and focus my prayers on receiving His peace and His guidance while I wait.  I want God to do His work in me during this time, whatever path that might lead to.
(Matthew 6:10) Your kingdom come,your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
But, in recent months the struggle has been reversed and I have started questioning my prayer.  Am I praying for us to be pregnant enough?  Sometimes this request does not make it into my prayers these days because I am so focused on wanting God's will and am trusting that He knows the desires of my heart (which He does!).  But, God's Word tells us that we are to ask Him for what we want and He will grant us the desires of our heart.

It's all about priorities and balance and this devotional was a great reminder that while praying for God's will we can also ask Him to answer the prayers of our heart!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Jesus Calling- March 18, 2014

Psalm 84:12
Today's Jesus Calling was perfect!  This week is fertile week and with that comes lots of great sexy time and feeling so hopeful for what the next couple of weeks might bring!  With those feelings of hope and wanting this so badly comes a lot of stress, anxiety, and obsession over "symptoms".  So, this was a perfect reminder to keep trusting in God and to remain present in today- tomorrow has enough worries of it's own!




Reminds me of Matthew 6:34TRUST ME ONE DAY AT A TIME.  This keeps you close to Me, responsive to my will.  Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded.  My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor.  Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting.
 
Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances.  Don't let your need to understand distract you from My Presence.  I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me.  Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs.  Trust Me one day at a time.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Fall Apart

I heard this song just as I was arriving at work this morning and felt that it really resonated with my journey and where I'm at right now.


 
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?

God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you

And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when--
You will find me when--
I fall apart
 
Surrender to what is.God is using this trial and season to bring me closer to Him.  From Day 1, He has reached out His loving hand and asked for a relationship with Him.  He has constantly called me to trust in Him and to give Him all my heartache, pain, fears, worries, and doubts.  He has been here every step of the way and has collected every tear I have cried.
 
I don't know what tomorrow brings for us and the family we desire to have...I don't have the answers to when we will be pregnant again, if we will go through more losses, if we will ever have our kids, if we will ever be parents.  Only God knows the answers to all of these questions.  But, I have so much hope that we will one day be parents- I truly believe that with all my heart!  For now, today, God is calling me to rest in His presence and to trust in His ultimate timing. 
 
Day 10 Christian QuotesI do believe that this season was hand-picked to be one of growth, to bring me closer to God, and truly depend on Him to meet my needs.  Although I believed in God prior to this journey and had what I considered a strong faith, God has revealed through the testing of my faith that it really wasn't all that strong.  He has used these trials to continually test me and see if I will falter in my faith when these heart-wrenching obstacles come my way.  From Day 1, there has been a constant decision to make, "Will I trust God or will I try to take control and do things my way?"
 
God has forever changed me through this season and it's because of these changes that I feel blessed and my heart is full of gratitude.  This doesn't take away from the fact that this has been the darkest season of my life (because it has been) or the fact that I pray every single day for Him to remove me from these trials and to bless us with pregnancy and a healthy baby.  It just means that through the storm I am choosing to rejoice in all the good that God is doing and choosing to focus on my hope that I have in Him.  I am clinging to a life that can only be found when we place our life and hope in God...a loving Father who wants to answer all our prayers and make all of our dreams come true!  This very well could be the best thing that has happened to me!



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Finale of "Firsts"

#Heart #Loss #Babyloss #Grief #Miscarriage #Stillbirth #Baby #Tears #Quote #QuestionOne year ago today I went to my 10.5 week prenatal checkup and my life was forever changed in a single moment.  In that moment I learned that our baby's heart had stopped beating.  I was beyond devastated, in shock, sad, angry, confused, and did not know what to do.

After the confirmation ultrasound I had to call Lloyd and tell him the horrible news.  I had to go back to my doctor and figure out what to do next.  I had to make a decision on whether to let my body miscarry naturally (my body had not started this process and it was unknown how long that could take), take medication to induce the miscarriage, or schedule a D&C.

www.sayinggoodbye.org - #babyloss #sadness #alone #grief #miscarriageLloyd came home to be with me and I just remember thinking that I did not know how I was going to survive this.  I felt so sad, lost, empty, and helpless.  In those initial moments, I didn't know how I could ever have sex again and risk getting pregnant.  The fears were so strong and prevalent in those moments.

As we sat on our front porch, Lloyd reminded me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, where I sarcastically responded, "Well, I think God is over-estimating me on this one".

But, it's true.  As hard as that day was and as hard as this past year has been, there have been so many blessings through this valley.  God has been here EVERY step of the way with me and He continues to ask me the question, "Will you trust me?".  In fact, here is the devotional that I was blessed with that evening and it has continued to stay with me throughout this year (from Jesus Calling, March 12):

christian quotes | TumblrWAITING, TRUSTING, AND HOPING are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain.  Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most.  Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strenthen the chain that connects you to Me.  Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me.  If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow.  Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven.  However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.
 
Beacuse you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting.  You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust.  Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence.

God has taken me on a journey this past year.  It's been a journey that is very unique and personal, it was specifically detailed for me to bring about some changes that God knew I needed.  Through this journey, God took the loss of our precious baby as an event in my life that would cause such sadness and grief that my only option was to be on my knees and pray.

It's through this time in prayer and quiet time with God, reading His Word, and understanding His promises, that I have grown so much spiritually this year.  I thought I had a strong faith before all of this...but now it's just different.  My relationship with God is a huge priority and I look forward to my quiet time with Him.  I love praying and feeling His presence.  I love knowing that He's here, He's good, He's faithful, and His peace does surpass all understanding.


 (Never Once by Matt Redman)


Not only did I grow spiritually but I also grew as an individual.  I truly believe this specific journey has been years in the making.  You see, when Lloyd and I met, I really did not know about this whole having kids thing.  In fact, when eHarmony asked me about kids, the options were "yes, no, or maybe".  I picked "maybe".  Lloyd was a little confused and asked what that meant (on our first date).  I let him know that I did not have a firm desire to have kids, that I could take it or leave it based on whatever my future husband wanted.  I liked my career at the time but knew that if I had kids I would want to be able to be there for them.

Christian QuoteWell,  Lloyd wanted kids (and I discovered that I did as well!) and as we dated, got engaged, got married, and then made the decision to start our family, we talked about how that looked for us.  He was really encouraging of me to be a stay at home mom.  This sounded great in theory but it was a huge struggle for me.  Although I knew it was what was best for our kids, I did not know if I could really give up my career, getting out of the house, having adult interaction, etc to be a full-time stay at home mom.  I just wasn't there yet.

Then I got pregnant with Joy.  We knew that I was going to stay at home so we bought a house...a house that is 50 miles from my work (with the worst Southern California traffic).  Oh well, it's temporary...I'm going to be a stay at home mom.  Well, up to the very last second with our first pregnancy, I really struggled with this decision.  That morning, as my mom and I waited to see the doctor, I was discussing how she could babysit one or two days per week so I could consult or work part time. 

It really took me losing our baby for God to truly change my heart.  In that single moment where my life was forever changed, I realized just how un-important work was and just how important it was to me to be a mom!  Today, as I drive to work every day, I pray for the day when I get to say goodbye to this chapter and be at home with our baby(ies)!

Don't give upAs I look back, I can see God's hand all over my life, especially in this season.  As someone who once viewed kids as a "take it or leave it option" and who now cannot imagine a life without kids and being a mom, I can see all the pieces of the puzzle coming together.  And, this is just one of so many examples...words cannot describe how life-changing and transforming this journey has been!

Not only did he change me spiritually and individually, but through this journey He has truly brought Lloyd and I closer.  We have always had a great marriage (I am so, so incredibly blessed!) but I feel that through this season of starting our family-through all the heartache, tears, fears, joys, and struggles- we have leaned into each other and were here for each other every step of the way.  Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, this journey has created a vulnerability and intimacy that is so beautiful and amazing!  We are both forever changed and so is our marriage!

#dandelions4emma #Grief #Babyloss #baby #mydaughterlivesinHeaven #Miscarriage #EmptyArms #angelmommy #angeldaddy #angelbaby #momofanangel #dadofanangel #stillborn #breakthesilence #returntozero #stillstanding #pain #sorrow #death #quoteThis past year was a year of firsts:  first loss of a baby we loved, first post-miscarriage period, first Mother's Day, first birthdays, first due date, first holidays without kids (after our losses), and now the first anniversary of that day.  I feel like we have come full circle and we can finally completely move forward knowing that these events will come again but we now know what to expect.

God does work all things for our good and His good, He is faithful, and His grace is enough!  He has forever changed me and I hope that through our journey and sharing our story that He will use it to help others as well (and I know that He's doing just that...I get the blessing of seeing it on a daily basis!).  I am so grateful that, although today is one of the harder days, I can look back on that day and see just how far I've come.  God has taken me from a place of so much doubt and fear and replaced it with abundant trust, peace, and hope!

Check out this video I found last week...it's a beautiful video on the struggles we all face when traveling the path of infertility.  I absolutely love it and hope that it can bring awareness to the significance of the struggles we all face while on this path.  I hope that others who are ignorant will find a new sense of understanding and be able to support their loved ones during these hard times.  But most importantly, I pray that this video will let every woman and couple dealing with infertility know that they are not alone.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Another "Not Yet"...

Yep, that's right.  Yesterday morning I was awakened by AF-like cramps and just knew that I would not need to test again...another cycle over and another "Not Yet" answer from God.

Psalm 34:4 - one of my favorite versesI have to be honest and say that it really hit me harder than I thought.  My initial reactions were those of anger, frustration, and disappointment.  The anger stemmed from the fact that our "Not Yet" answer simply means that I have to do my commute for at least one month longer than if we had gotten pregnant (something that I really cannot wait to be over with, but that's another post for another day!). 

The frustration was mostly due to the fact that our one year anniversary of our loss is coming up on Wednesday and we are not any closer to having our baby.  This anniversary is already hard and I have had my moments of being more emotional lately (although the hope of getting good news during the 2WW was a nice distraction these past couple of days!).

And, the disappointment is just a natural emotional response when finding out that we didn't get what we so wanted and prayed for.  Yes, it's frustrating and disappointing but at least I find comfort in believing that we will be pregnant again (and probably soon, it's just a matter of time!).  In addition, I find comfort in knowing that we did everything we could to get pregnant and we had a blast trying!  For me, it's so important to keep my focus on our marriage first and still enjoy the beautiful gift God has given us with sexual intimacy...if we were only having sex to procreate it would definitely make this journey that much more difficult and frustrating on the days when God gives us another "Not Yet". 

I had my moments yesterday and even started down the path of throwing myself a pity party for one.  Luckily, I recognized what I was doing and did not want to put both Lloyd and myself in this situation and ruin our weekend together. 

I was blessed to come across this devotional in Laura Story, Blessings (Chapter 5, "When Faith Disappears"):
 
"Have you become so discouraged by life's hardships that you felt your faith in God slipping away?  If so, you are not alone.  Every life- including yours- is a series of celebrations and disappointments, joys and sorrows, successes and failures, hopes and doubts.  Even the most faithful men and women may be overcome by bouts of fear and doubt, and so, perhaps, will you.
 
Doubts come in several flavors:  Doubts about God, doubts about the future, and doubts about your own abilities, for starters.  So what does the Bibles say about your response to these kinds of doubts?  The Bible makes it clear that no problem in this world is too big for God, not even the problems that result from the emotional burdens of fear and doubt.
 
The instructions of Psalm 55:22 are clear: 'Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved'.  Will you cast your burdens on the Lord?  Will you take your doubts to Him?  Your fears?  Your sorrows?  Your setback and regrets?  Will you take these things to Him- and leave them there- today?
 
 
Here are some quotes from this same devotional that really spoke to me, especially in light of receiving our answer yesterday and some of the fears and doubts that start to creep in in those initial moments:
 
 
Strength.Struggling with God over the issues of life doesn't show a lack of faith- that is faith.
-Lee Strobel
 
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith, but they are afflictions, not sins.  Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
-C.S. Lewis
 
There is a difference between doubt and unbelief.  Doubt is a matter of mind: we cannot understand what God is doing or why He is doing it.  Unbelief is a matter of will: we refuse to believe God's Word and obey what He tells us to do.
-Warren Wiersbe
 
God is the only one who can make the valley of trouble a door of hope.
-Catherine Marshall


This devotional was perfect and it's timing could not have been better!  It was exactly what I needed to read to get my heart and mind in the proper place of moving forward, being hopeful, and having that peace that surpasses all understanding...it really does erase all the fears and doubts and is so calming in the midst of even the greatest storms!

More wallpapaers: http://wallpaper.knowing-jesus.com/
So, after allowing myself moments of sadness, I made the conscious decision to enjoy the present moments.  Lloyd and I have been working on a project of re-staining our master bathroom cabinets so a good portion of yesterday morning was making progress on that.  We also enjoyed a nice walk together in the morning.  Aftwards, I spent some time in our yard trying to get our strawberry hill cleaned up and then decided to take a little nap before getting ready for our date night!  We ended up having a very fun and productive day together...it was a perfect balance of busy and relaxation and was exactly what I needed!

`

Friday, March 7, 2014

What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops?

Another great devotional from Laura Story's, Blessings. 

Bible Verse of the Day - http://air1.cta.gs/016"Have you ever experienced a bitter disappointment- or even a personal tragedy- that later turned out to be a blessing?  Have you ever experienced a temporary loss that, in time, was transformed into a permanent gain?  And, do you believe that God has the power to use all your experiences- the good, the bad, and the in-between- for His purposes?  If you have answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, then you know that blessings can, and often do, come through raindrops.
 
In times of hardship and pain, we may feel abandoned by our friends, by our families, and by our Creator.  But if we believe that God has left us, even for a moment, we are mistaken.  God never abandons us, not even when the raindrops are falling like buckets.  Through ever storm of life, He is ever-present, offering us His grace, His love, and His mercies.
 
When Jesus went to the Mount of Olives, He prayed, 'Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done' (Luke 22:42).  Jesus knew the pain that He was destined to endure, but He also knew that God's will must be done.
 
Romans 12:12
From time to time all of us must endure days filled with suffering and heartache.  And, as human beings with limited understanding, we can never fully understand God's reasons for allowing the raindrops to fall.  But, even when we cannot understand why things happen as they do, we should always trust the One who is intent upon blessing us throughout all eternity.
 
Can you trust God in times of happiness and in times of hardship?  Can you trust Him today?"
 
I love this entire devotional but especially the bolded!  The fact that God never leaves us and is ever-present is something that I have personally experienced throughout every step of this journey.  There were trials in my past that I traveled and just felt that God was not there and that He did not care; however, this trial and journey has been much different.  I have felt God more present in my life this past year than ever before, including the good times! 
 
The following quotes were also included in the devotional:
 
Psalm 71:20-21  Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.If we believe in Jesus Christ, we can face every problem that the world holds.
-Oswald Chambers
 
Contentment is trusting God even when things seem out of control.
-Charles Stanley
 
Forgive to live: Is it possible to forgive unfaithfulness?Teach us to set our hopes on heaven, to hold firmly to the promise of eternal life, so that we can withstand the struggles and storms of this world.
-Max Lucado
 
God uses every cloud which comes in our physical life, in our moral or spiritual life, or in our circumstances, to bring us nearer to him until we come to a place where our Lord Jesus Christ lived, and we do no allow our hearts to be troubled.
-Oswald Chambers.
 
On a side note, I did test a couple days ago (at 12 DPO) and it was negative.  Today is 14 DPO and my plan was to take my temperature this morning and then decide whether or not to test (AF is due today or tomorrow...on average today is AF day).  Well, I went to take my temperature and my thermometer finally died.  It has been a very slow death over the past couple months.  I am just laughing at the irony that it finally stopped today and feel like God is just telling me to relax, trust in Him, and, most importantly, to be patient! 
 
In previous months I would have been frustrated and anxious, needing to know my temperature or whatever else so that I could over-analyze everything and try to figure it out.  However, today I am so thankful that I can truly just laugh at the situation and my heart is so full of peace!  God is good...I have no idea what His answer is regarding this cycle, but no matter what it will be the right answer because it will be His will!
 
Praying that everyone going through this journey (or any life struggles and trials for that matter), whether it be infertility, miscarriages, trying to get pregnant for the first time, trying to get pregnant after a loss, being pregnant after a loss or losses...my prayer is that we can all rest in His peace and fully surrender our life to His will...whatever it might be, that we are willing to accept the good with the bad knowing that our God is a Father who deeply loves us and cares for us and He will work out the most difficult of situations for our good!
 
 


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Blessings, Sometimes Not What We Prayed For

Last month I started the 30 day devotional, Blessings by Laura Story.  I have since finished it and decided to do it again this month.  I highly recommend this devotional for anyone struggling with difficult seasons in life (you can find it HERE)!

This morning's devotional was titled "We Pray for Blessings, but What Kind?".

"When you pray for blessings, what kind do you pray for?  If you're like most of us, you probably pray for things like health, wealth, and safety for yourself and your loved ones.  And, if you're like most of us, you're probably disappointed if God doesn't give you the things you've asked for.
 
...Time and again, the Bible teaches us that God is sovereign and that He reigns over His creation.  Our Heavenly Father has a plan for the world and for our lives.  He does not do things by accident, but we cannot always understand His purposes.  Why?  Because we are mortal beings with limited understanding.  And although we cannot fully comprehend the will of God, we should always do our best to trust the will of God even when we don't receive the things we've prayed for."
 
 
Isaiah 55:8-9This really spoke to my heart this morning.  There have been many times throughout this journey where I have just begged God to allow me to be pregnant and to have a healthy baby.  But, the longer I stay on this road of uncertainty, the more I surrender to God and truly trust in His plan for my life.  I can honestly say that my prayer these past few months have been for God to change the desire of my heart to be that of desiring His will over my desire to be pregnant again.  I truly want to want His will and His perfect timing for our next pregnancy, even if it means we have to wait that much longer.
 
The devotional goes on to talk about the "art of acceptance", which is such a beautiful place to be (it took me FOREVER to get there but now that I've arrived, it's truly a place that brings about so much peace and patience!).
 
"When events transpire that are beyond our control, we have a clear choice:  we can either learn the art of acceptance, or we can make ourselves miserable as we struggle to change the unchangeable. 
 
Learning the art of acceptance is difficult for most of us, but not impossible.  Can you summon the courage and the wisdom to accept life on its own terms?  Can you do it today?"
 
Job 2:10The path of infertility is definitely a path that is unchangeable within our own control.  It's a journey that is completely placed in God's hands and His power.  I think the hardest part of being a Christian is understanding that God does not always answer our prayers when we want Him to and that simply being a Christian does not prevent us from going through hard times.  But, I firmly believe that it's through the hard seasons in life that we grow and mature.  If it weren't for these seasons we would be stagnant and our faith would not be challenged and strengthened.
 
These blessings found in the midst of our trials and struggles are the eternal blessings that just might not be what we prayed for but are so amazingly beautiful and precious and exactly what we needed!  God always shows up, His timing and His ways are always perfect!
 
I love these quotes that go along with today's devotional:
 
Prayer is request.  The essence of request, as distinct from compulsion, is that it may or may not be granted.  And if an infinitely wise being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant and sometimes refuse them.
-C.S. Lewis
 
If God chooses to remain silent, faith is content.
-Ruth Bell Graham
 
Our Lord never asks us to decide for Him; He asks us to yield to Him- a very different matter.
-Oswald Chambers
 


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Surviving the 2WW: Part 2

I am now 11 DPO and less than 24 hours away from testing (even though Aunt Flow, AF, is not due until Friday or Saturday.  I test early in the hopes of getting an early positive and starting the progesterone shots as soon as possible).  I honestly do not feel pregnant at all and am totally expecting to see a negative test tomorrow and am oddly okay with that.  But, you never know...anything is possible (and I felt the exact same way during our first pregnancy!)...

I have not been taking my temperature and overly obsessing with symptoms, etc this past week and it has been very freeing, to say the least!

The past week or so has been very busy and productive.  Lloyd and I have been re-staining our master bathroom vanity (for the last 3 weeks now).  This weekend was filled with staining, staining, and more staining.  I have mapped out a plan to apply multiple layers of clear coat after work over the next several days to finish this project (hoping to be able to re-assemble everything by Sunday afternoon!).

Luckily, we were blessed with lots of rain this weekend (which was much needed!)!  However, being stuck inside with projects is definitely not helpful at any time, yet alone in the 2WW.  I did take every chance I could to get outside and was able to get in a couple of walks on Saturday and a very stress-relieving run on Sunday (I ran about 5 miles, which felt great considering most of my runs have been 3 miles)!

Yesterday while driving home, I was thinking and realized that I had a little bit of extra time (thank God for leftovers for dinner and no cooking!).  For some reason I felt motivated to go for a bike ride (maybe it was my legs screaming that a "good" run was not in the cards due to the soreness from Sunday's run!).  I got home, started the crockpot to cook Tuesday's taco chicken, changed into my bike gear, put air in the tires, and headed out the door!

I had convinced myself to ride to the intersection of Wildwood Canyon and Oak Glen Rd, which is about 4 miles, all uphill, from our house.  There is one section on Wildwood that is just a killer, so steep!  Thank God it is fairly short-lived...but it did take me a good 5 minutes to recover and feel some resemblance of life again!

Well, I arrived at the intersection and for some reason felt the urge to continue (I was having fun and feeling free!).  I talked myself into another 1/2 mile and continued upwards toward the apple orchards.  A mile and a half later, I reached the "Welcome to Oak Glen" sign and decided it was time to head home (time was running out to take a shower, make dinner and pack lunches, do laundry, and finish more staining all before bedtime!).  I took a picture of the sign and headed home...it took 40 minutes to get there and only 12 minutes to get home!

So, what's the point of all of this!?!?  I have found that focusing on other things and staying busy has really helped me this past week!  And, by exercising more these past few days and getting out for a bike ride and a run that was longer than my usual norm lately has been rejuvenating, refreshing, and given me a sense of finding myself again! 

Other things that have helped have been focusing on scripture, love and support from some very amazing friends, and listening to worship music.  Here are some of my favorite songs right now:
 
We Won't Be Shaken

 
Broken Hallelujah
 
 
While I'm Waiting
 
 
I Lift My Life Up
 
 
Walk By Faith