Grief

When I first started this blog a few months ago, I felt it was really important to capture the "grief" process.  Understanding the various stage of grief from the very beginning was extremely helpful, especially on the days when I was overly angry or depressed.  However, I never got to this post until now because I was having a hard time putting myself back in "that place" to accurately convey what was going on.

 

 

 

 

Miscarriage leads to a grief that is simply indescribable.  I knew before we even got pregnant that if we were to suffer a pregnancy loss, it would be hard.  However, understanding that is nowhere close to actually living it once you are placed in that situation.

 

 

 

 

Just two days after losing Joy I had an appointment with my therapist.  I was hardly able to speak words through my tears but it was a great start to beginning the process of digging through all the overwhelming emotions going on inside me.  It was at this appointment that she explained the 5 Stages of Grief, what each stage was like, and how you don't really follow a sequence but might jump randomly and back and forth between the various stages until you get to the final stage of acceptance.

 

I remember thinking from the time we found out about losing Joy, I did not experience DENIAL.  I knew from the very beginning that we were in fact suffering from a miscarriage and I wanted to start dealing with it immediately (physically and emotionally).

 

 

 

 

In fact, my first response was ANGER...and it was an intense anger like I've never felt before.  I felt like I could literally punch something.  The important piece of information my therapist gave me about anger was that it would be present in many of life's moments (a driver cutting me off, a minor argument with my husband, etc)...basically, letting me know that there would be times where I will react to something and think, "Wow, what was that response?  That's not like me" and understand that it's my "anger" from grief and not likely the present situation.

 

BARGAINING was also something that I did not truly experience with Joy.  Bargaining is when you ask the questions, "What if I had not gone for those runs", "What if I had rested more", and "Did the car accident cause us to lose our baby".  I honestly felt like I did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy...I would come home on my lunch hour to sleep, go to bed really early, I only went for 3 mile runs that were at a super easy, aerobic pace, I ate healthy, took my prenatal vitamins, and made sure I stayed hydrated.

 

DEPRESSION was by far the most prevalent of stages and it lasted for a long time.  I remember thinking that this was just going to be my life and that "happier" days were just not going to happen.  It truly was my darkest season in life.  I cried pretty much daily for 4 months (and several times in months 5 and 6).  I felt like the sadness was so deep and overwhelming that there were days that I just wanted to give up on trying (mainly when my period came and reminded me of what we had lost).  On many occasions my therapist would remind me that although it was dark, there was light in the midst and eventually I would get to ACCEPTANCE.  I held on to her encouragement (and the understanding that it could take roughly 6 months or longer to reach this stage)...it was my hope that I would get through this and sure enough the days of darkness gradually became more spread apart to the point where my days were mostly "good days".

 

 

 

 

It took us getting to our EDD and not being pregnant to finally reach ACCEPTANCE.  I was able to accept that this was our journey and our story, the anger and depression were non-existent, and I was looking forward to enjoying life again.

 

 

 

 

What I've realized this time around is that the stages are the same but the process has been different.  With James, I experienced DENIAL in the first week or so.  Maybe it was my body's way of protecting me emotionally while I physically "delivered" our baby boy.  It was like I was in a haze, knowing what was going on but pretending like everything was okay.

 

I experienced that initial intense anger when we found out.  And, it's not like I was angry at God or anything, it was just the natural response to knowing we had lost our baby. 

 

These past few weeks I have noticed that I am really angry.  Everything seems to irritate me.  Things that normally irritate me are now greeted with a more intense, irrational response while things that normally would not irritate me get greeted with anger.  I feel like most of it is out of everything else going on in "life" outside of the miscarriage (like my work situation, the drive, marital issues, etc) but I'm also smart enough to know that my responses are due to anger caused by the miscarriage and not necessarily whatever it is that I feel "angry at".

 

 

 

 

BARGAINING is a stage that I have experienced with James.  I feel like now that we've gone through this twice (and the chances of having two miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat is incredibly low...from what I've read it's somewhere between 1-4%) there must be something wrong with my body that is causing us to lose our babies.  With these feelings, I find myself blaming me and hating my body.  As a mother, from the moment I found out I was pregnant I did everything I could to "protect" the precious life growing inside me...and yet, all the protection in the world did not save our baby. 

 

I am desperate to know what is going on and to get answers.  I want to be able to go into our next pregnancy confident that we have eliminated all possible causes (that we can test for) relating to me or the baby.  Just last night Lloyd and I received GREAT NEWS...our chromosome tests came back normal for both of us!  This is one box checked off the list (and a big one since we cannot change our genetics!) and a step in the right direction!  The next step is to consult with a specialist and have some tests run on me to eliminate or discover other potential causes and have a game plan moving forward.

 

I think the HARDEST stage for me this time around (again) is DEPRESSION.  In the initial days, I was really surprised at how well I was doing...like, "It's okay, I can do this" or "It's not THAT bad, I've been here before".  And then a week after we had actually "delivered" James, I was in a HUGE funk.  I was so deeply sad and did not want to do anything.  It took all the energy I had to motivate myself to get out of the house to go grocery shopping.  Cooking dinner now required a lot of effort.  Normal activities that I usually don't mind doing, or actually enjoy, were hard to get going.  Waking up to go to work was (and still is) a daily struggle.  Even the motivation to lean in to Lloyd and be engaged in our marriage was difficult (typically this is by far the BEST part of my life and something I enjoy far more than words can describe). 

 

 

 

 

But the worst of it is the really dark thoughts that appear when it's a REALLY bad day and all feels hopeless.  When the pain and sadness feels unbearable...it physically hurts so much to feel the pain of losing two babies. 

 

 

 

 

It's in those moments that I'm thankful that I can lean on my faith in God, love for my husband and family/friends, and the past experience of losing Joy (and knowing how dark everything seemed in the moment but how God brought me through it).  It's knowing the truth that better days are ahead that keep me moving forward, one step at a time, one day at a time.  God's got this and He will carry me through it!

 

My prayer for anyone dealing with pregnancy loss is that you (and your support system) understand that the pain of losing a baby is very much real, it's a process that should be journeyed through appropriately, it's normal to grieve, and that you feel the peace that comes with God's presence and love, knowing that YOU WILL REACH ACCEPTANCE IN DUE TIME!