Saturday, November 30, 2013

Natural Miscarriage and Saying Goodbye

***WARNING: Graphic Details and Pictures***

When we lost Joy we found out and then had a D&C a week later.  It was like my body did not realize that we had lost the baby because at 10.5 weeks (or 11.5 weeks for that matter) the miscarriage process had not even started (Joy had stopped growing at about 8-9 weeks).  By having a D&C I was able to avoid the physical pain and it was over rather quickly.

This time couldn't have been more different.  I started spotting on November 5th and continued through November 11th.  We even saw the heartbeat on November 11th so we were hopeful that everything was going to be okay.  On November 12th, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was a clot about the size of a quarter (maybe a little bigger) and quite a bit of blood.

I immediately called my doctor and sent her an email.  She quickly responded and let me know that all we could do was wait and hope for the best (I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday and we had just seen the heartbeat the day before). 

We found out at our appointment on Thursday that our baby's heart had stopped beating...we have another angel in heaven.


#Heart #Loss #Babyloss #Grief #Miscarriage #Stillbirth #Baby #Tears #Quote #Question
 

The bleeding continued to get progressively worse and the cramps were really bad, especially at night (I woke up in pain Thursday evening and again on Friday).  By Saturday morning (November 16th), the cramping was getting worse and I prayed that I would miscarry over the weekend. 

It was a rainy, gloomy morning but the weather cleared up enough for me to go see my sweet little cousin, Kaylie, play soccer!  Both her and Keagan are such a joy to be around- they have a way of lifting your spirit even on the darkest of days!

After the game I stopped off at Stater Bro's to return our movie and get some food to make chili.  While returning the moving, I sneezed and felt a gush of blood.  "Oh, no", I thought and decided that food wasn't that important after all...it was time to get home.

I continued to bleed SOOOO much the rest of Saturday.  I couldn't walk, cough, or basically move without feeling like so much blood was leaving my body.  It was really disgusting at times, physically painful due to the cramps, and extremely emotional every time I went to the bathroom wondering when I was going to "pass" our baby. 


For.the.LOVE: The Prayer in our Hearts -- #Poem for those struggling with #infertility or #miscarriage #John16
 

At one point I passed a clot the size of my palm.  I cried.  I didn't know what it was, if it was the baby or not, why I was bleeding so much, and when this process was going to end.  Lloyd quickly came up to be by my side and comforted me as I sat on the toilet crying.

I went to bed only to be woken up at 12:30 am in excruciating pain.  Seriously, no amount of warning can prepare you for the pain I was experiencing.  Some say it's like your worst period and other's say it's like being in labor...for me, it was like being in labor.

I went downstairs to the couch to try to get comfortable.  That didn't work so I got on my computer.  A few minutes later I decided the pain was unbearable and took a Vicodin, hoping it would help.  I went back upstairs and alternated between the bathroom and the guest bedroom.  At one point I was in the bathroom, in so much pain and just started crying and screaming.  Lloyd woke up and asked if I was okay...I told him no and he tried his best comfort me.  I alternated between having bad diarrhea, trying to vomit, sweating, and shaking (from both the contractions and my body reacting to Vicodin).

Eventually I got the energy to get in the shower to take a hot bath.  I stayed there for a good 20 minutes and it seemed to help with the pain.  Around 3 am, I went back to our bed and laid next to Lloyd until I finally fell asleep.  The cramps had calmed down and I was able to sleep for another 2 hours or so before finally waking up.

Upon waking up, I realized that the bleeding had subsided and my cramps were almost non-existent.  Part of me felt like I had passed our baby because I was physically feeling better; however, there was a part of me that believed it had not happened because I did not see any tissue pass.

I spent most of the day wondering if it was over or if more was to come.  Around 4:45 pm on Sunday, just as dinner was finishing up, I went to the bathroom and heard something "big" drop in the toilet.  I put my hand in there and reach for what was our gestational sac.  I yelled to Lloyd, "I have our baby!"  He quickly came up and we began dissecting the sac to see our baby.




What a beautiful sight!  It's amazing how developed a baby is at 7 weeks...we could easily distinguish the head, spine, arms and legs that were just beginning to form.  It felt so uplifting and peaceful to SEE and HOLD our baby!  I'm forever thankful for this moment!




Since I was miscarrying naturally, my wish was to "rescue" our baby and not to flush it down the toilet.  To me, that would just be cruel and I felt the need and desire to honor our baby by giving it a proper burial. 


This is our placeholder stone...we are working on getting a personalized one!


When Lloyd got home Monday evening, we dug a hole in our backyard.  We said a prayer thanking God for our precious baby and the time that we were blessed to share with our baby.  It was a beautiful moment...providing both closeness between Lloyd and myself and closure for both of us.

17 comments:

  1. Wtf. You women are insane for this. I just lost mine at 8 weeks and would never dig through the mess to find the fetus. You need help.

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    1. Right? These pro lifers are weird af lol

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    2. Maybe you're just an emotionless hag. Everyone deals differently.

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    3. Y’all are just mad because you can’t do something so difficult and you’re ashamed of yourself as you should be. To even remotely speak on this in a negative tone and to give your opinion when it was not needed, just as a child who does not know any better. Let me tell you, since you seem to not have had a proper raising, if you have nothing nice to say, shut the fuck up.

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    4. I agree.. how TF can u NOT cherish and thank Father God for the gift of life and honor the passing of that life??!!?! I'm amazed and inspired by the way they handled this tremendous loss. It brought them closer and didn't completely destroy them..as it has in many other relationships and marriages. Many women begin to blame themselves and fall into depression but she turned straight to God with thanks and that right there is the difference between good ones and evil ones! Hopefully u negative and ignorant critics never experience a loss such as this bc it's people like u that continue the cycle of trauma instead of healing!

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    5. I’m pro-life. Had an abortion at 6 weeks and chose to cremate mine. You’re seriously so shitty to even find the post just to say something so disgusting.

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    6. I am 100% pro choice and I would still do something like this. Doesn't matter if it's only a fetus, it's still a little creation of your own flesh and blood that was growing inside your womb. It blows my mind that you were this insensitive and I can't help but to think you probably show sensitivity and empathy to people who are fat shamed, sex shamed, etc etc but then turn around and shame someone for loving and wanting to say good bye to as well as grieve their unborn. Who is really sick in the head? Then you call her insane and tell her she needs help, you may as well be shaming someone with a mental illness too if you think she's insane, you must think she has a mental illness and you literally shamed her for it. It doesn't matter how you look at it, you're a dick who shamed someone for no reason at all other than to be an asshole. I hope you see this even though it has been years since you commented on this.

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  2. Great, and here I was thinking that my miscarriage 6 years ago was just clots, turns out one of the clots might have had an embryo in it. How comforting.

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    1. Obviously you searched for this blog 6 years later for a reason. Get over yourself and leave her alone.

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  3. Thank you for this blog. I am yet to confirm what I am experiencing right now. It is almost the same as what you have described except for the pain. Please know that you help many women with this. Prayers for all who have experienced and are experiencing loss.

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  4. God bless you for honoring your sweet baby and recognizing his/ her uniqueness and personhood. I too miscalculated our 8th child in February. He was 6 weeks old in the womb.
    He is buried in a cemetery up the road from our home. I knew he would exist 3 years before he was conceived. All my other children understand he was a real person who just wasn't meant to be with us here on earth. God bless all the sweet little ones who go before us too soon. Just like us, you have little prayer warrior. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  5. Thank you for posting this as your story is exactly identical to mine… well one of my four miscarriages that I just experienced. I know you posted this a long time ago but after reading this and scrolling to the bottom I couldn’t believe how unkind people can be knowing was you’ve gone through. They are the ones that desperately need help. Its extremely respectable and beautiful that you would honor your baby in this way. Love to you and bless your babies little soul in heaven.

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  6. You are brave, strong, and courageous for sharing such a personal experience online. Some people don't understand your intention behind sharing your loss and how your story may help others. But just pray for them. Your story has helped give me insight on what a miscarriage is like and how to find peace through the tough times women may go through. May the Lord continue to fill your heart and mind with His truth, love, and peace! God Bless!

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  7. I think this is extremely helpful and a beautiful story, regardless of anyone's beliefs. I am not very religious and I don't consider myself a "pro-lifer". None of that matters. It's your choice how you handle a loss and I have so much respect for this woman for honoring her body in the way she chose. Whether it's a burial or in tissue paper - it doesn't change the love in our hearts when facing a loss. Thank you for sharing this and to everyone who has found strength after a miscarriage.

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  8. What the actual fuck. Seek help. This isn't normal.

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