We were absolutely elated and praising God immediately! I felt like I could finally "let go", stop riding the roller coaster of the ups and downs, and really start enjoying this beautiful gift that God had blessed us with!
However, this was slightly short-lived as just 6 hours later I discovered spotting while going to the bathroom. I called to let Lloyd know and we committed to praying and lifting up this pregnancy and baby into God's hands. "Whatever your will is Lord is what we want!" was our prayer over the upcoming very long 9 days.
I emailed the "substitute" doctor the next morning to let him know what was going on. He was excited about the HCG results and not really concerned about the spotting (it was brown, not transferring to a pad, etc so his lack of concern was logical).
I continued to spot for the next 6 days and, after surviving the weekend, woke up Monday morning and let Lloyd know that I wanted to email the doctor and ask to be seen (the spotting was getting worse and I didn't want to wait another 4 days for my original first prenatal appointment). The doctor was very kind and fit me in at 11:00 on November 11th.
Lloyd met me for the appointment and we waited until we were called back. We were both anxious and nervous for the news we were about to receive. When the nurse led us into the room to wait for the doctor, Lloyd asked to pray and that we did.
Shortly after, the doctor came in and asked all the normal questions. Once those were completed he proceeded to do an internal exam before doing what we really wanted and were waiting for...an internal ultrasound!
As soon as the ultrasound started, the first thing I noticed was that our baby was IN my uterus (this was good because we were still concerned about an ectopic/tubal pregnancy)! At first, the ultrasound reminded me of our missed miscarriage because we didn't see the heartbeat right away. The doctor zoomed in and immediately we saw what we were really hoping to see...a perfect, strong heartbeat!!! It truly does not get any better than that!
We cried and thanked God (and the doctor) and had a conversation about our chances of this ending in a healthy baby. The doctor informed us that our chances of miscarrying were now 15% (many will say anywhere between 5-10% once the heartbeat is seen). We were now not worried about HCG and progesterone and could continue on knowing that our baby was very much viable and alive! We were also excited to learn that we were able to keep our original appointment and were looking forward to seeing our baby again in 3 more days!
That day was filled with so much JOY! Even my manager commented on how he had not seen me smile like that in a long time (probably since our first pregnancy back in Jan/Feb).
And then again, it was short-lived as exactly 24-hours later I started bleeding. This wasn't just a little bit of blood either. It was definitely enough to call the doctor immediately and ask for advice. However, since I had my appointment on Thurs and we had just seen the heartbeat and there wasn't anything we could do to change whatever outcome was to come...I had to wait and be patient...and pray like never before!
I spent the next day at home, literally doing nothing but sitting on the couch, our front porch, or taking a nap. I prayed and prayed that we would still have our baby and see the heartbeat on Thurs. I will be honest and say that the wait between the bleeding and the appointment was very hard but I had not lost hope...I truly believed everything was going to be okay and we would still have a heartbeat.
Thursday morning came and both Lloyd and I were very excited for our appointment. Time could not go by any faster that morning! Again, we met up and waited to be seen. The nurse called me back, did the normal Q&A, took a urine sample, and then led me back to the room (and I went to get Lloyd). As we waited for the doctor, we prayed!
My doctor came in and we went over what was going on. Instead of doing the normal Q&A, data input, etc she was kind and started the ultrasound (to not keep me waiting any longer). She immediately saw our baby and took the measurements...our baby had grown and was measuring 6 week, 6 days with an EDD of July 4th, 2014! Hallelujah for a fireworks baby!!!
And then our nightmare began...we couldn't see the precious little heartbeat we had just seen 3 days earlier. We were both in shock and disbelief that here we were again, going through the same exact process and journey we had just gone through 8 months earlier. We were absolutely devastated beyond words.
My doctor went through the normal routine of how to proceed...needing to confirm at the hospital (with another ultrasound), making a decision about D&C vs. natural vs. medication, and how to move forward (testing that can be done, referral to a specialist, etc).
We got dressed and went to check-out with the nurse. While doing so, the "substitute" doctor came out and offered his condolences and advice. He even started the testing process by ordering chromosome testing for both Lloyd and myself (a simple blood test that we were able to complete before leaving).
We left and headed to the hospital (which I really did not want to do as it was such a traumatic experience the first time) to confirm our loss. The ultrasound technician was kind and let us see our baby after finishing her diagnosis. They used infra-red to show blood flow throughout my body but nothing within our baby. We had indeed lost our precious little baby. We find comfort in knowing and believing that both our babies are together in heaven and in the arms of Jesus!
We have so many questions and very little answers at this moment...but one thing remains- our faith is stronger than it's ever been! I trust and believe that we will be blessed with beautiful babies in the not so distant future. I am holding on to God's promises and know that He will be victorious in the end and that this is just another chapter in our story...one that I know will be filled with growth and that I pray will be used for His glory!
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