Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Reflections on 2013

The last day of 2013 has finally arrived!  I have been anxiously awaiting this day and the end of 2013 for quite some time.  I am so ready for a new year, new beginnings, and full of hope for many good things to come in 2014.

But, as I was praying this morning, tears rolled down my cheeks.  This year was by far the HARDEST year of my life.  Looking back on where I was at the beginning of this year and all that we went through these past 12 months was overwhelming, to say the least.

On January 1, 2013 we were in our 7th cycle of trying to get pregnant.  We were starting to wonder if we would ever get pregnant and taking steps in the direction of seeking answers to these concerns.  We were praying really hard for an answer on whether or not to buy a house and if so where.  And, I was still struggling with the decision to be a full time stay-at-home-mom if and when we did get pregnant and have our baby.

We knew that if I was going to stay home (which I was definitely not going to be working full time) that we needed to buy a home in a lower cost of living area.  At the beginning of 2013, home prices were really low and interest rates were at a historical low.  We wanted to buy but we were conflicted with "where" to buy.  If we moved to our ideal "kid-raising" city, it meant a long commute for me.  We could move a little further away from our then current home (but still close to my work) but was that where we wanted to be long term?  So we prayed and I felt that God would give us our answer either through a pregnancy or by not being pregnant.

I went to my new doctor for a routine physical at the beginning of January and discussed my concerns about why we weren't pregnant (I was ovulating, regular cycles, great timing each and every month, etc).  She said that it was normal and to continue trying for a few more months.  If we weren't pregnant, she would refer me to the infertility specialist.

Well, we found out we were pregnant on January 29, 2013!  It was by far the best day of my life!  We were both thrilled and excited for this new adventure into parenthood.  And, we had our answer and started looking at homes.

We found the perfect home on our first visit and decided that we wanted to make an offer.  We thought it was a little premature (my husband needed to consider job opportunities closer to this new city and I wanted to make sure our pregnancy was viable).  But, it really was the perfect home so we went for it! 

The offer was accepted and we started the whole process of home inspections, loan documents, insurance calls, etc.  And then, midway through escrow, we found out we lost the baby (March 12th).  What do we do now?  Do we continue on the journey of buying this home?

Yes!  We were (and still are) confident that God wanted us to have our family and raise our kids in this home.  We would not have moved to this new city (and not bought our home) if we had not gotten pregnant but we are at peace knowing that our home is absolutely perfect for our someday expanding family.

Fast forward a couple months, in early June specifically...my husband and I were spending the weekend at our new home (we had not moved yet due to my commute) and finishing up some chores before starting dinner.  I went to pick some fresh strawberries from our garden and came back to let Lloyd know that I was going to start cooking dinner. 

He was limping towards me and I asked if he was okay.  His response was, "I think I fell off the roof".  I was terrified, not knowing what to do.  I examined him and everything looked fine, at first.  Then I saw blood coming from the back of his head.  I started to panic and knew that we needed to get him to the hospital fast.  He refused to call 911 (I will not listen next time) so I called my cousin, who is an EMT/Firefighter locally, and he gave me the directions to the hospital and instructions on what to do if he started vomiting, etc.

We got in the car and it was the scariest 20 minutes of my life.  I honestly did not know if Lloyd was going to live.  He was saying things like "I don't know where I work" and "where are we going and why" (multiple times).  I prayed and repeatedly told Lloyd to hang on and stay awake.

I finally found the hospital and they admitted him to ICU a few hours later, telling us that he had a closed head fracture with bleeding between his brain and skull.  We later found out that he had two fractured discs in his back as well. 

We spent the next 4 nights at the hospital (3 in ICU).  When he was finally discharged, he had a work order that took him off work (at a brand new job...he had worked all of 4 days) for an entire month.  On top of that, he had to have someone home at all times so that meant that I needed to work from home during that time.  Oh, and of course trying to get pregnant was indefinitely off the table at this time.

At his follow-up appointment 4 weeks later the doctor wanted him to stay off another 1-2 months.  Lloyd pushed to go back because he knew that he would not have a job if he didn't.  The doctor conceded but put him on a "no driving" limitation.  He was allowed to have sex again (with physical limitations) so that was a blessing that we could start trying again.

So, the next month (July) was a routine of me working from home in the early hours, driving Lloyd to work (45 minutes), driving myself to work (1 hour), and working 6 hours before beginning the journey home (2 hours).  Lloyd was thankfully released to drive at the beginning of August and our new "normal" began.

We were well aware that 2013 was not "our year" but we truly felt that not much worse could really happen at this point. 

We continued on the journey of grieving/healing while trying to get pregnant.  The past 5 months had been hard but things were starting to finally look more positive and we were excited to get pregnant.  I no longer had the concerns and fears about quitting my job to stay-at-home.  Honestly, I would give everything to have that opportunity.  God had definitely worked in my heart during this season!

We were successful on cycle 7 (again) and found out we were pregnant with our second baby on October 21, 2013.  We were so excited and full of hope that this was our take-home baby.  We prayed and were so thankful.  We did all that we could to keep the stress down and stay confident that we were going to finally be parents.  We maintained this hope even during the moments when it got really tough and things were not looking good.  We remained hopeful all the way to the end when we found out that we had lost our baby again.

We were now asking new questions and wanting answers as to "why".  We got a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and started the testing process (we also had chromosome testing done the day of our loss through our OB's office).  So far the test results are coming back as "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss".  We will get the official results this Friday.

Even though this diagnosis means that statistically we have a 60-70% chance of our third pregnancy being successful (which isn't high enough for either one of us and makes us question whether or not to try again), we are so full of hope moving forward.  Our faith is strong and we trust and believe that, with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! 

As we close out 2013 my thoughts are "what a life-changing" year this has been.  It's been hard but I've also experienced growth in all areas of my life because of these hard times.  My faith is rock solid, our marriage is thriving more than ever, and we are encouraged as we move forward into 2014 and a year of new beginnings.

I would have never imagined 2013 to be the year that it was (it was so much different than what I envisioned on January 1, 2013).  I would not choose to go through this all over again but I also would not change the lessons I've learned along the way.  I am much closer to the woman that God created me to be because of this year!

Through the hard times, there were so many blessings (and this was a year full of many more blessings that heartache).  We were blessed to experience pregnancy twice, to see our babies heartbeats both times, our marriage is thriving and we are closer than ever, we bought our first home together, Lloyd is 100% healthy after his fall off our roof, we had a wonderful 2.5 week vacation before Lloyd started his new job, Lloyd found an awesome job and he is really happy there (this is huge!), we continue to meet our goals, we have amazing new neighbors, we have found a church home and many friends that are walking this journey with us, the test results show that there isn't any reason why we cannot have a successful pregnancy, and we just spent the most refreshing 5 days off together during Christmas.  God is so good!!!

Wishing everyone the best in this upcoming year!  Praying for all of our dreams to come true and for God's peace as we wait on His perfect timing!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Jesus Calling- December 21, 2013

Last Friday I had an appointment with our RE for a test called a "bubble study".  It's very similar to a HSG in that they look at the shape and structure of the uterus and the fallopian tubes to make sure that there isn't anything that might be causing us to lose our babies (or have difficulty getting pregnant again). 

The doctor did the test and I was surprised at how little pain was actually involved (I was prepared for the worst as I had heard some horror stories of others' experiences).  When all was said and done, the doctor let me know that everything looked great and that all my blood work also looked good.  Basically, it's looking like we will have a "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss" diagnosis (we will get the official results and plan for moving forward on January 3rd when I have a follow-up appointment with my RE).

John 11:40I left the appointment feeling a little disappointed and discouraged.  Although it's great news that there is "nothing wrong", it also leaves room for doubt moving forward because the statistics are that our next pregnancy has a 60-70% success rate (instead of 80% without any prior losses).  Yes, this is much better than a result of "there is something drastically wrong and you will not ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term"...but with the greater chance of having another miscarriage, it makes it really difficult to get excited and feel hopeful for our next pregnancy.  If anything, I feel pretty terrified (at least a part of me that is being realistic and honest) at the thought that we just might have to go through this all over again.

So, reading this the next day was pretty perfect!

Psalm 63 | Psalm 63:2-4 | Flickr - Photo Sharing!MY PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE is unfolding before you.  Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back.  Then, when the time is right, the way before you suddenly clears- through no effort of your own.  What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift.  You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory.
 
Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly.  As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles- and you will.  Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly.  Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory.
 
2 Corinthians 5:7
I am forever thankful for my faith and relationship with God!  For when I am weak, He is strong!  It's because of my faith and knowing that God is all powerful and sovereign over all aspects of my life that I can release all my fears and worries into His loving hands, knowing that with Him this 60-70% rate really doesn't mean anything.  God will allow our next pregnancy to be successful and give us a baby in our arms if it's within His perfect timing!  I do believe that I will continue to see His little miracles along this journey in the upcoming days, weeks, and months! 
 
 


God With Us In Our Difficulty: Holidays After Miscarriages

As a kid growing up I have always looked forward to the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This has carried over into adulthood and is especially true these past few years as my husband and I continue to create special memories together in this season.

When we got pregnant last year with Joy, both Lloyd and I were eagerly anticipating this holiday season.  We were looking forward to doing Thanksgiving in our new home because we would have a 6 week old and traveling was probably not realistic.  We were excited for our first Christmas with our little baby.  Things were going to be different this year and it was a difference that was full of joy and excitement.

Then we lost Joy and we had to change our expectations and realize that our dreams were put on hold for a little while.  We were no longer going to be celebrating these "first" moments and holidays as a family of three.

In late October we learned that we were pregnant again.  We were filled with joy and a new anticipation of hopefully being out of the first trimester by Christmas and sharing the good news with our extended families.  This joy was short lived as within 4 weeks we had learned that we had lost this precious baby as well, just two weeks before Thanksgiving.

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving when I realized just how hard the holidays would be for me this year.  The next two weeks were by far the darkest in this entire journey.  I was full of deep sorrow and sadness, a sense of depression that I honestly had not even felt through the loss of Joy.  I was dreading the holidays, not really looking forward to seeing anyone.  I didn't have the motivation to do the things I normally love to do.  The invitation to see friends and family brought on anxiety and stress...I was just trying to get through life one day at a time.

Psalm 34:18It was in this place that I was truly scared and I didn't know how I was going to get out.  In these moments, I felt alone and then I realized that I wasn't alone.  God was right there with me...I just had to call to Him, to trust in Him, to hand over all my concerns and fears to Him.  And, He reminded me that I have a wonderful husband that I wasn't allowing or communicating exactly what I needed so that he too could be there for me too.

Thanksgiving was rough but we got through it.  I slowly started embracing the holidays by decorating our house for Christmas and gradually getting our shopping done.  I made a turkey dinner a couple weeks after Thanksgiving...this was a new first for me!  And, as the invitations to go to parties, meet up with friends and family, etc started to overwhelm me, I learned to say no and do what was best for me.

I was able to pull myself out of this hole and focus on the gift of Christmas...Jesus!  I honestly do not know how people get through trials and life circumstances similar to our journey in 2013 without Jesus.  He has been my lifesaver, constantly here in every moment, providing a peace that surpasses all understanding, and giving me the strength to endure each and every trial one step at a time.

Just yesterday I listened to a sermon from our old church titled "God with us in our difficulty".  There was so much in this message that applied to the spiritual journey I have been on as we try to start our family. 

It starts with realizing that although Christmas is a great time, filled with family and many traditions...it can also be a time of sadness for some because of loss.  This Christmas is both filled with joy over the many blessings we have but it's also a time of sadness, knowing that we have two babies in heaven that we wish could be here with us.

The second part that really spoke to me is how God is present in our times of distress.  Even more so, it's through these times of suffering and trials that God is ever present, we grow in our faith, and we realize just how Almighty God is...that He's a God that loves us, cares for us, and is with us every step of the way! 

I have said several times now that I would not wish this journey on anyone...it has been a difficult season.  But, I know and believe that I am forever changed because of this season and because of the goodness God has created through this journey, I would not take it back either.  It was exactly what I needed to mature me and to lead me to a place of deeper dependence on God.  And, I am a completely different woman, wife, and mother because of the road we have traveled this past year!

Jeremiah 29:11-13The final part that I love is that we realize God's ever-presence in our life when we seek Him with ALL our heart.  Before this journey, I sought God...but it wasn't with all my heart.  I only knew a glimpse of His greatness because I was only half-heartedly seeking Him.  It took circumstances where my only choice was to get on my knees and truly pray for me to realize just how awesome God is.  Words cannot describe His faithfulness, His goodness, His love, caring, and kindness...God is good no matter what the circumstances are!

I love this acrostic and it really does apply to all seasons (good times and bad times);

Praise- Praise God for His goodness
Repent- Repent of your sins and the changes you need to make in your actions and attitude
Ask- Ask.  You do not have because you do not ask.
Yield- Yield to God's will for your life.  Trust that He sees the WHOLE plan, not this small piece that only we see.
 
Jesus is the Reason for the Season FREE Christmas Printable
My heart truly goes out to all that are experiencing sadness, loss, and difficulties this holiday season.  I understand and I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I pray that you find peace in your hearts and that you seek God with ALL your heart and soul.  Focus on the beautiful gift that He has given us this Christmas...the birth of His one and only son!  Only He can provide what you need through these difficult times.  He is with you...He's a God that cares, will never leave you, and wants to walk this path with you.  Hang in there and know that better days are ahead!
 
God bless everyone this holiday season! 

The sermon can be found at www.friendschurchyl.com/media on December 1, 2013.
 


Thursday, December 19, 2013

I'm Still Yours



This song is absolutely awesome!  When we suffered the loss of Joy, almost immediately the questions of "how will I respond" and "how is this going to impact my faith and relationship with God" were at the forefront of my mind.  But, I continued to stand strong in my faith, believing and trusting in God's word...I felt a sense of peace knowing that nothing, not even this, could cause me to falter in my relationship with God.

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
 
 

Kutless - I'm Still YoursThis journey of trying to start our family and suffering the loss of two precious babies has led me to a place where my relationship with God is so much stronger!  I have absolute confidence and trust in His plan, I know that we will have our family some day, I depend on Him more than ever and can only get through this with Him, and He is always with me!  Knowing all of this provides a comfort that is indescribable!

 Surrender to what is.It seems that the darker the valley the more I feel God's presence.  It's through these hard times that He's bringing me to my knees and lifting my eyes upward, leading me to completely surrender to His will for my life.

I don't know where this path is leading me but I do know that God is at work in me!  Every day is an opportunity to surrender to Him and pray for His will on my life, asking for His strength and peace as we patiently wait for His answers!


Day 5  Christian QuotesOne of the blessings in this journey that I'm so grateful for is truly realizing that God is ALWAYS with me and only He can meet my every need!  The lyrics in this song, "Will you be enough for me, will my broken heart still sing" are so humbling to me. 

The pain and heartache of losing our babies is very real and at times overwhelming and filled with doubt. But, when I can capture those thoughts and humble myself before the Lord, there is a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I've realized in these moments just how loving and compassionate our God is because I know that He's right there with me, holding me as I cry and soothing my breaking heart.  His presence and care for every detail in my life gives me the strength and reassurance I need to make it through these difficult times!

My prayer for those reading this and walking through a valley is that you will open your hearts and mind to God's word and His promises.  Listen to His ever so quiet voice.  Trust in Him and know that He is with you every step of the way!


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

All Things Possible

 

I first heard this song a few months ago when Lloyd and I were still trying to get pregnant for the second time.  This song "sang" to me and really touched my heart during that season.  I would listen to it and immediately feel recharged and full of hope.

For some reason this song was not part of my "miscarriage journey playlist" (a specialized selection of Christian Rock songs that really help me stay focused on what is true, bring peace, and remain full of hope in the darkest of moments).  I created this list because I have about 60 songs in this genre and I found myself skipping the ones that weren't as helpful and going to those that I wanted to hear more. 

For the past 4 months or so I have been only listening to that playlist but, for some reason, last week I decided to shuffle through all 60 Christian Rock songs.  In doing so I have "rediscovered" some new favorites and realize that I might need to change it up a bit! 

"All Things Possible" is one of those songs right now!  When I heard this song last week I couldn't help but feel more upbeat, positive, full of hope, less depressed and sad, and refocused on our God who is able to make all things possible!  I immediately selected the "repeat" icon on my iPhone and listened to this song until I felt okay to move forward. 



 
As I drive to work each morning, I play this song first before turning on my audiobook.  I just love the words and find myself almost shouting:

 
My God is STRONG and MIGHTY
 
My God is FAITHFUL
 
My HOPE is in the Lord
 
For He is ABLE
 
 
Last week was the beginning of a new journey for us.  I was able to get my referral approved for the infertility specialist and get a consultation appointment. 
 
Meeting my new doctor was full of different emotions...excitement about getting the process started, anxiety over the unknowns of what lies ahead, fear over getting pregnant again and possibly losing another baby, anger and frustration that we have to "try again", and sadness over having to see an infertility specialist, being in the same facility as I had my D&C (this brought about feelings on my drive there that I wasn't expecting), having to relive both pregnancies and our entire journey as she asked all the questions she needed to ask and over the fact that they accidentally sent me to OB/GYN for a few minutes. 
 
When all was said and done, I felt encouraged and relieved.  I feel comfortable with her and feel like I can trust her advice.  She reassured me that our third pregnancy had a very good chance of leading us to taking our baby home and that we were doing everything we could to get answers!  I left the appointment, went downstairs to do my blood tests, and went home to rest, feeling exhausted by all the emotions.
 
My period started this past weekend and with that the testing process is well underway.  I emailed the doctor (as advised) and scheduled an appointment for a "bubble study".  This is a test where they inject saline into the uterus to evaluate the structure and any abnormalities that might be causing us to lose our babies.  The appointment is scheduled for this Friday...looking forward to it being done and having answers and a strategy in a couple of weeks (if not sooner!)!
 

All things possibleAs we start the new journey of infertility testing, seeking answers and recommendations for our next pregnancy, and walking along the path of trying again and all the uncertainty that goes with this journey...my heart is filled with so much peace and hope knowing that God is able to make all things possible!  My hope and trust are in Him alone...He is the one that provides the strength to endure and persevere no matter what speed bumps cross our path!



 

Friday, December 13, 2013

Jesus, Bring The Rain


I can remember the first time I heard this song...it was in Spring of 2007 when I was doing 90 hours per week of school in order to finish my Master's degree in Exercise Physiology.  It spoke to me during that time and it continues to speak to me today. 

I do believe that God allows us to face certain circumstances in our life to grow us, mature us, to deepen our faith, and to strength our relationship with Him.  It's through these trials that he asks us, "Will you trust in Me?".

Even before this journey to start our family began, there have been several "journeys" throughout my life that were "hard times" (although admittedly not nearly as hard as this past year).  With each and every trial, God continues to move me and mature me in new ways.  Through the good times and the bad times my faith is renewed. 


Jesus bring the rain


I have had several people come up to me and question how my faith can remain so strong through all these trials and circumstances.  All I can say is that my faith is simply unshakable no matter how hard the circumstances may be.  I honestly cannot imagine going through this journey without my faith.  It's through these dark days that I realize just how much God does love me, how He's always there with me (often when no one else is), that only He can meet my every need (and He does!), that I can get through anything with Him by my side, that I trust and believe in His plan for my life, and that I know He will be victorious and deliver on time, every time!

One of my prayers these past few months is that God continue to fill my heart with joy and peace through these hard days.  I desperately want to be a vessel for His kingdom.  I want our story to be used as a testimony for His goodness and faithfulness!  Yes, there will be days in this life that will be filled with pain but if that's what it takes to praise Him...Jesus, Bring the rain!  Amen!


If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain. ~ Mercy Me lyrics
 
 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

God With Us In Our Uncertainty

My husband has been encouraging me to listen to this sermon the past couple days.  Usually he'll mention something and then leave it at that.  This time was different as he mentioned it a few times...so, I decided to spend some time this morning listening to it.

It took all of 7 minutes (5 of which were talking about football!) for the tears to start flowing and for me to realize that this was a message I needed to hear...and one that was going to hit close to home!

The message started out talking about how our life can change in a single moment, a second.  I connected with that because that's exactly how I felt the moment we found out we had lost our baby (both times).

Psalm 121:1-2
You begin to question..."How can this be?", "What just happened?", "This shouldn't be happening to me.", and "I never thought we'd be here.".  The last one, especially, rings so true of my thoughts right now.  I never thought we'd get pregnant twice and lose two babies.  Nor did I think that we would be consulting with an infertility specialist to try to get some answers as to why we are losing our babies.

As a Christian, growing up in the church, reading the bible, attending bible studies, etc...I've been told (and believe with all that I am) that God has a plan for my life and it's a good plan.  Yes, this is very true but it doesn't mean that it's always wonderful, rainbows, and butterflies.  It's not a promise given by God that we won't face difficulties and that our life will be exempt from uncertainty. 

In fact, He has a dangerous and uncertain plan for my life.  Only He knows how it all unfolds.  My story (our story) is a complete mystery to me...one that I know will eventually unfold either here on earth or in eternity. 

Luke 1:45In our life of uncertainty, one thing is certain...God is with me!  I am never alone, He loves me, and He's asking me to respond with unquestionable obedience no matter what the circumstances may be.

The message goes on to tell the story of Mary and Joseph.  As you know, they were not married (not having sexual relations) and God tells Mary that she will birth the Messiah.  Joseph is shocked and doesn't know what to do.  But in the midst of his uncertainty, Joseph feared God more than the thoughts, criticism, and ridicule of man and obeyed God.  He chose to honor God and Mary above all else.

What do you do in the midst of your uncertainty?  Do you respond or do you react?  Do you believe the worst or the best?  Do you expose or do you protect?

The pastor explains that there are 3 characteristics that Joseph displayed in his moment of uncertainty.

FAITHFULNESS
 
PROTECTIVE
 
SELFLESSNESS
 
 
Proverbs 3:5-6These are characteristics that we should all have in the moment of decision when faced with uncertainty.  When God spoke to Joseph and said, "Get up" that's exactly what Joseph did.  God wants us to have unquestionable obedience no matter how dark the valley looks!
 
Have you ever considered that God is working a bigger miracle out of all this mess?  I truly have and I have witnessed it first hand.  I can recall that our first loss was so full of darkness and I truly questioned how God was going to use the loss of our precious Joy as a "good thing".  I went through a long valley...full of darkness, fear, anxiety, depression, and I really doubted how I was going to view it as "good".
 
But, even through all of this, I was in constant communication with God...I knew He was with me every step of the way and that He would get me through it.  And, He did!  I have said it many times...I'm so thankful for the lessons I've learned and how God changed me through this journey.  My love for our babies is eternal and I'm so thankful for them!  But, I'm also thankful for how my heart has been forever changed as a mother...I can only imagine just how intensified my love will be for our future kids.  I know that I will be much more patient, willing to let certain things go, live more in the moment and enjoy life with our kids.  I'm also excited to be a stay-at-home-mom (this was something that I knew I was going to do but my heart was not fully invested...it took going through this to realize what is truly important in life)!  There's simply no way to go through this journey and not be changed, especially when you go through it with God!
 
My prayer for everyone struggling with "life"- whether it be miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss, trying to get pregnant, marriage struggles, financial difficulties, health issues, etc- is that you know that God is with you and I pray that you are with Him!  We serve a God that is into making the impossible possible...now that's something to get excited for!
 
If God asks you to "Get up"....how will you respond? 

The sermon can be found at www.friendschurchyl.com/media from December 8, 2013.
 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Jesus Calling- December 11, 2013

Today's Jesus Calling is absolutely perfect!  I have said many times throughout this journey that I'm so thankful for how God has used the loss of our babies to forever change me as a woman, wife, and mother!  My outlook on motherhood would be so different if we had gotten pregnant quicker or had smooth pregnancies.  I know that I will enjoy and appreciate our children more, have patience that I would not otherwise have, not take the small things for granted, and simply enjoy staying home and nurturing our little ones!


Psalm 36:9 For with you is the fountain of life: in your light shall we see light.
I AM WORKING ON YOUR BEHALF.  Bring Me all your concerns, including your dreams.  Talk with Me about everything, letting the Light of My Presence shine on your hopes and plans.  Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality.  This is a very practical way of collaborating with me.  I, the Creator of the universe, have deigned to co-create with you.  Do not try to hurry this process.  If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame.  Hurry is not in My nature.  Abraham and Sarah had to wait many years for the fulfillment of My promise, a son.  How their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child!  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.
 
 
Hebrews 11:1This journey has made me realize just how much God is in control of this journey (and all aspects of my life)!  In the beginning, we (like many other couples) were so focused on "perfect timing" and "our timeline" of when we want to start our family.  It didn't take us long to realize that "perfect timing" does not guarantee you will get pregnant and that God doesn't work in our timeline.  God has used this journey to grow us into really trusting Him with our entire life, knowing that His plan is best!  It's a journey that has taught us lessons in perseverance and patience and one that is constantly drawing us closer to God as we learn just how much we need Him and depend on Him.  It's through this journey that our faith is forever changed! 
 
 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Infertile: The Dreaded Diagnosis and Frustrating Process

Since the loss of our precious James, I have spent some time (not all that much, honestly) researching the next steps and gathering information.  I was surprised to learn that an infertile diagnosis is actually defined one of two ways:  1) The inability to get pregnant after 1 year of trying, or 2) Two consecutive miscarriages.  In addition, the chances of this happening twice is around 5% (most likely lower for two losses after seeing a heartbeat with both babies).

That being said, it really frustrates me that two losses medically equates to the dreaded infertile diagnosis and yet many doctors do not push for any follow-up testing until the woman has experienced 3 losses.  As someone that has suffered two losses now, I cannot fathom being told that I have to wait for a 3rd loss before getting any answers!  I am already terrified at the thought of being pregnant again and potentially losing another baby.

It's been almost 4 weeks since we learned of our miscarriage.  Since that day I've been adamant about getting answers so that we can move forward with confidence in our next pregnancy.  So far we have found out that both our chromosome test results are normal and my HCG has returned to "not pregnant" status!

I've also learned that the testing process for recurrent pregnancy loss is quite extensive.  For example, they will do a blood workup that can take weeks to get back (taking around 15 vials of blood!).  They are looking for immune disorders and other factors that can cause miscarriages.  In addition, I need to get an ultrasound of my uterus to determine if the lining is void of scar tissue/fibroids/etc, structure is good, and is normally shaped.  Finally, they will most likely want to analyze hormonal factors throughout my menstrual cycle.

We have also been trying to figure out the next steps in this process and were waiting for my doctor to give guidance.  However, after a lack of response from her, I took matters into my own hands and called Member Services.  I was surprised to find out that I do not need a referral to see a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)!  This is really frustrating because now we have wasted 3.5 weeks that should have been spent moving forward instead of being further delayed!

On a side note, the woman from Member Services was nothing short of amazing!  She was very kind and told me her story.  She had 3 losses before having her daugther, who is almost 18 years old.  She kept emphasizing not to give up hope and wished me lots of good luck moving forward.  She was definitely a blessing from God...it was exactly what I needed to hear!

I called the two offices that I can potentially be seen by.  I heard back from the first and was told to call in two weeks to schedule an appointment (there are no openings as of today).  I also got a call back from the second office and found out that they can get me in next Tuesday!  I'm so relieved and excited to be moving forward!  They did tell me that we could schedule the appointment as "infertility" for now and recommended that I get a referral for "recurrent pregnancy loss" from my doctor to save money (it's 50% coinsurance without the referral...fully covered with the referral!).

This is just the start of what I fear will be a long process...but, I also feel so relieved in knowing that I am doing everything I can to prevent a 3rd loss.  Ultimately, this entire journey is in God's hands and only He knows what our future holds...whether or not our next pregnancy will lead to our take home baby or another loss.  But, He also has placed these experts here on earth to help woman like me to find answers.  To me, I would rather go through the testing (even if the outcome of the results shows that there's nothing wrong) so that I have all the information at my disposal for the next time we are pregnant.  I know how the fear and anxiety of the unknown was so unavoidable with James and I'm hoping that these answers will allow me to be comforted and full of peace with our third baby, of course with God's help!

Carry Me To The Cross

This weekend was really cold and wet...a perfect weekend to just relax and catch up on some much needed rest.  Oh, and to cook my first turkey! 

I got up early Sunday morning and enjoyed a cup of coffee before preparing the turkey and stuffing!  I was surprised at just how easy it was and before I knew it, I was placing it in the oven to cook for the next 5 hours.

The turkey came out delicious...I was very pleasantly surprised and proud of myself (so was Lloyd)!  We both enjoyed a nice meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and a sweet potato and apple side dish. 

Afterwards, we relaxed for a little while...Lloyd watch golf and I got on my computer to check in with my Internet friends and Facebook.  Shortly after I decided that I needed to get outside for some fresh air and go for a walk.

It's during this walk that I heard the song Carry Me to the Cross.  I had not heard this song in a little while but when it came on it resonated in my heart. 


 


Favorite little story... "When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it is then that I carried you."Since right around Thanksgiving, things have been really hard for me emotionally.  I have had some good moments but for the most part, life has been a struggle. 

I find that I'm frustrated when my alarm goes off at 3:40 and I'm still tired and wanting to sleep but must get up and face the day.  I'm not motivated at work and would rather be doing anything else.  Some days I really cannot wait to go for a run and then other days I have to force myself out the door.  When unexpected things come up, I respond with anger and frustration.  Twice this last week I broke down at work and had to really fight the urge to not go home and bury myself in bed.
 

Shut Up I'm Talking Quotes | Shut Up I'm Talking Quotes https://www.facebook.com/pages/Christian ...There have been many moments where I feel alone and the journey seems so overwhelmingly hopeless.  The path is daunting and every step is exhausting right now. 

This song was the perfect recipe to remind me that I'm never alone...God is with me every step of the way!  I find so much comfort in this truth!  He was here with me last time and He's here with me right now.  He's drawing me closer and wants me to release all my burdens into His loving hands.  His unconditional love and grace continue to amaze, motivate, and inspire me daily!  Thank you, God, for carrying me every step of the way, every single day!




Monday, December 9, 2013

Jesus Calling- December 7, 2013

Last night, I was catching up on my devotionals from the weekend and was blessed with the following message.  It was perfect for this past week's circumstances, emotions, and feelings.  It's also a reminder of how I need to constantly keep my focus on God, especially when my circumstances are less than ideal...it's in these moments that I need to look upward most.  It's so true that when my focus is on my problems, I feel empty and incomplete; however, when my focus includes God's presence, I feel safe and complete.  Thank you God for this beautiful message and for always being my shelter in time of need!

 
Matthew 10:29-31  One of my favorite scriptures :3I AM WITH YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO, even in the most menial task.  I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life.  Nothing escapes My notice- not even the number of hairs on your head.  However, your awareness of My presence falters and flickers; as a result, your life experience feels fragmented.  When your focus is broad enough to include Me in your thoughts, you feel safe and complete.  When your perception narrows so that problems or details fill your consciousness, you feel empty and incomplete.
 
 
2 Corinthians 4:18Learn to look steadily at Me in all your moments and all your circumstances.  Though the world is unstable and in flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of My Presence.  Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes.
 


Thursday, December 5, 2013

Grief

When I first started this blog a few months ago, I felt it was really important to capture the "grief" process.  Understanding the various stage of grief from the very beginning was extremely helpful, especially on the days when I was overly angry or depressed.  However, I never got to this post until now because I was having a hard time putting myself back in "that place" to accurately convey what was going on.
 
 
Stages of Grief  #ditalu
 
 
Miscarriage leads to a grief that is simply indescribable.  I knew before we even got pregnant that if we were to suffer a pregnancy loss, it would be hard.  However, understanding that is nowhere close to actually living it once you are placed in that situation.
 
 
#Babyloss #Sadness #Grief #Miscarriage
 
 
Just two days after losing Joy I had an appointment with my therapist.  I was hardly able to speak words through my tears but it was a great start to beginning the process of digging through all the overwhelming emotions going on inside me.  It was at this appointment that she explained the 5 Stages of Grief, what each stage was like, and how you don't really follow a sequence but might jump randomly and back and forth between the various stages until you get to the final stage of acceptance.
 
I remember thinking from the time we found out about losing Joy, I did not experience DENIAL.  I knew from the very beginning that we were in fact suffering from a miscarriage and I wanted to start dealing with it immediately (physically and emotionally).
 
 
#stillbirth #babyloss #miscarriage #grief #pregnancy
 
 
In fact, my first response was ANGER...and it was an intense anger like I've never felt before.  I felt like I could literally punch something.  The important piece of information my therapist gave me about anger was that it would be present in many of life's moments (a driver cutting me off, a minor argument with my husband, etc)...basically, letting me know that there would be times where I will react to something and think, "Wow, what was that response?  That's not like me" and understand that it's my "anger" from grief and not likely the present situation.
 
BARGAINING was also something that I did not truly experience with Joy.  Bargaining is when you ask the questions, "What if I had not gone for those runs", "What if I had rested more", and "Did the car accident cause us to lose our baby".  I honestly felt like I did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy...I would come home on my lunch hour to sleep, go to bed really early, I only went for 3 mile runs that were at a super easy, aerobic pace, I ate healthy, took my prenatal vitamins, and made sure I stayed hydrated.
 
DEPRESSION was by far the most prevalent of stages and it lasted for a long time.  I remember thinking that this was just going to be my life and that "happier" days were just not going to happen.  It truly was my darkest season in life.  I cried pretty much daily for 4 months (and several times in months 5 and 6).  I felt like the sadness was so deep and overwhelming that there were days that I just wanted to give up on trying (mainly when my period came and reminded me of what we had lost).  On many occasions my therapist would remind me that although it was dark, there was light in the midst and eventually I would get to ACCEPTANCE.  I held on to her encouragement (and the understanding that it could take roughly 6 months or longer to reach this stage)...it was my hope that I would get through this and sure enough the days of darkness gradually became more spread apart to the point where my days were mostly "good days".
 
 
#Heart #Loss #Babyloss #Grief #Miscarriage #Stillbirth #Baby #Tears #Quote #Question
 
 
It took us getting to our EDD and not being pregnant to finally reach ACCEPTANCE.  I was able to accept that this was our journey and our story, the anger and depression were non-existent, and I was looking forward to enjoying life again.
 
 
www.sayinggoodbye.org - #babyloss #sadness #alone #grief #miscarriage
 
 
What I've realized this time around is that the stages are the same but the process has been different.  With James, I experienced DENIAL in the first week or so.  Maybe it was my body's way of protecting me emotionally while I physically "delivered" our baby boy.  It was like I was in a haze, knowing what was going on but pretending like everything was okay.
 
I experienced that initial intense anger when we found out.  And, it's not like I was angry at God or anything, it was just the natural response to knowing we had lost our baby. 
 
These past few weeks I have noticed that I am really angry.  Everything seems to irritate me.  Things that normally irritate me are now greeted with a more intense, irrational response while things that normally would not irritate me get greeted with anger.  I feel like most of it is out of everything else going on in "life" outside of the miscarriage (like my work situation, the drive, marital issues, etc) but I'm also smart enough to know that my responses are due to anger caused by the miscarriage and not necessarily whatever it is that I feel "angry at".
 
 
Tumblr
 
 
BARGAINING is a stage that I have experienced with James.  I feel like now that we've gone through this twice (and the chances of having two miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat is incredibly low...from what I've read it's somewhere between 1-4%) there must be something wrong with my body that is causing us to lose our babies.  With these feelings, I find myself blaming me and hating my body.  As a mother, from the moment I found out I was pregnant I did everything I could to "protect" the precious life growing inside me...and yet, all the protection in the world did not save our baby. 
 
I am desperate to know what is going on and to get answers.  I want to be able to go into our next pregnancy confident that we have eliminated all possible causes (that we can test for) relating to me or the baby.  Just last night Lloyd and I received GREAT NEWS...our chromosome tests came back normal for both of us!  This is one box checked off the list (and a big one since we cannot change our genetics!) and a step in the right direction!  The next step is to consult with a specialist and have some tests run on me to eliminate or discover other potential causes and have a game plan moving forward.
 
I think the HARDEST stage for me this time around (again) is DEPRESSION.  In the initial days, I was really surprised at how well I was doing...like, "It's okay, I can do this" or "It's not THAT bad, I've been here before".  And then a week after we had actually "delivered" James, I was in a HUGE funk.  I was so deeply sad and did not want to do anything.  It took all the energy I had to motivate myself to get out of the house to go grocery shopping.  Cooking dinner now required a lot of effort.  Normal activities that I usually don't mind doing, or actually enjoy, were hard to get going.  Waking up to go to work was (and still is) a daily struggle.  Even the motivation to lean in to Lloyd and be engaged in our marriage was difficult (typically this is by far the BEST part of my life and something I enjoy far more than words can describe). 
 
 
#dandelions4emma #miscarriage #grief
 
 
But the worst of it is the really dark thoughts that appear when it's a REALLY bad day and all feels hopeless.  When the pain and sadness feels unbearable...it physically hurts so much to feel the pain of losing two babies. 
 
 
#Loss #Grief #Miscarriage #Stillbirth
 
 
It's in those moments that I'm thankful that I can lean on my faith in God, love for my husband and family/friends, and the past experience of losing Joy (and knowing how dark everything seemed in the moment but how God brought me through it).  It's knowing the truth that better days are ahead that keep me moving forward, one step at a time, one day at a time.  God's got this and He will carry me through it!
 
My prayer for anyone dealing with pregnancy loss is that you (and your support system) understand that the pain of losing a baby is very much real, it's a process that should be journeyed through appropriately, it's normal to grieve, and that you feel the peace that comes with God's presence and love, knowing that YOU WILL REACH ACCEPTANCE IN DUE TIME!
 
#loss #Grief #Tears #Pain


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Joshua 1:9

I was blessed to receive this verse a few months ago while walking on my lunch break.  It was right around Cycle 5 when things hit rock bottom...needless to say, it provided great comfort and encouragement to pave the way to better days!
 
 

Joshua 1:9
 
 
It's been almost 3 weeks now since we found out about losing precious James.  Some days I'm surprised at how well I'm doing and then there are days like the past few that are filled with intense pain, sadness, depression, anger, and desiring answers but feeling like the process couldn't possibly be moving any slower (we still do not have the results from the chromosome testing and the referral has yet to be approved).
 
The one constant so far is that I'm at peace and full of confidence that we will some day have our baby!  In a time where I could be questioning "will we ever be parents" I am moving along this path with confidence and peace that we will be parents one day (even understanding that we might suffer more losses before we get there).
 
The fear and anxiety about "will we get pregnant again", "how long will it take", and "how much longer do we have to wait" are no longer questions that I'm concerned with.  I honestly feel that I have released it all into God's hands, not feeling the need to be pregnant right now and finding comfort in relaxing on the truth that we will be pregnant again in God's perfect timing!
 
My focus for now is trying to take back control over my life (where the journey to start our family has consumed our priorities) and start living life again! 
 
I am running again and enjoying it!  I want to plan a trip to the Grand Canyon for March/April and hike Rim-to-Rim with Lloyd (this is on our "bucket list")!  We are also talking about planning a trip for our anniversary in June and trying to get permits to hike Mount Whitney in July.  In addition to all of these fun adventures that we have to look forward to (I believe this to be an important ingredient in the healing process), I am praying about my job situation and seeking guidance.
 
Although I do not know how long and rough this road ahead may be, I do know that God is and will be with me EVERY step of the way!  He has traveled this road, He knows every bump along the way, He provides me strength to endure, and He will greet me at the finish line!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Natural Miscarriage and Saying Goodbye

***WARNING: Graphic Details and Pictures***

When we lost Joy we found out and then had a D&C a week later.  It was like my body did not realize that we had lost the baby because at 10.5 weeks (or 11.5 weeks for that matter) the miscarriage process had not even started (Joy had stopped growing at about 8-9 weeks).  By having a D&C I was able to avoid the physical pain and it was over rather quickly.

This time couldn't have been more different.  I started spotting on November 5th and continued through November 11th.  We even saw the heartbeat on November 11th so we were hopeful that everything was going to be okay.  On November 12th, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped there was a clot about the size of a quarter (maybe a little bigger) and quite a bit of blood.

I immediately called my doctor and sent her an email.  She quickly responded and let me know that all we could do was wait and hope for the best (I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday and we had just seen the heartbeat the day before). 

We found out at our appointment on Thursday that our baby's heart had stopped beating...we have another angel in heaven.


#Heart #Loss #Babyloss #Grief #Miscarriage #Stillbirth #Baby #Tears #Quote #Question
 

The bleeding continued to get progressively worse and the cramps were really bad, especially at night (I woke up in pain Thursday evening and again on Friday).  By Saturday morning (November 16th), the cramping was getting worse and I prayed that I would miscarry over the weekend. 

It was a rainy, gloomy morning but the weather cleared up enough for me to go see my sweet little cousin, Kaylie, play soccer!  Both her and Keagan are such a joy to be around- they have a way of lifting your spirit even on the darkest of days!

After the game I stopped off at Stater Bro's to return our movie and get some food to make chili.  While returning the moving, I sneezed and felt a gush of blood.  "Oh, no", I thought and decided that food wasn't that important after all...it was time to get home.

I continued to bleed SOOOO much the rest of Saturday.  I couldn't walk, cough, or basically move without feeling like so much blood was leaving my body.  It was really disgusting at times, physically painful due to the cramps, and extremely emotional every time I went to the bathroom wondering when I was going to "pass" our baby. 


For.the.LOVE: The Prayer in our Hearts -- #Poem for those struggling with #infertility or #miscarriage #John16
 

At one point I passed a clot the size of my palm.  I cried.  I didn't know what it was, if it was the baby or not, why I was bleeding so much, and when this process was going to end.  Lloyd quickly came up to be by my side and comforted me as I sat on the toilet crying.

I went to bed only to be woken up at 12:30 am in excruciating pain.  Seriously, no amount of warning can prepare you for the pain I was experiencing.  Some say it's like your worst period and other's say it's like being in labor...for me, it was like being in labor.

I went downstairs to the couch to try to get comfortable.  That didn't work so I got on my computer.  A few minutes later I decided the pain was unbearable and took a Vicodin, hoping it would help.  I went back upstairs and alternated between the bathroom and the guest bedroom.  At one point I was in the bathroom, in so much pain and just started crying and screaming.  Lloyd woke up and asked if I was okay...I told him no and he tried his best comfort me.  I alternated between having bad diarrhea, trying to vomit, sweating, and shaking (from both the contractions and my body reacting to Vicodin).

Eventually I got the energy to get in the shower to take a hot bath.  I stayed there for a good 20 minutes and it seemed to help with the pain.  Around 3 am, I went back to our bed and laid next to Lloyd until I finally fell asleep.  The cramps had calmed down and I was able to sleep for another 2 hours or so before finally waking up.

Upon waking up, I realized that the bleeding had subsided and my cramps were almost non-existent.  Part of me felt like I had passed our baby because I was physically feeling better; however, there was a part of me that believed it had not happened because I did not see any tissue pass.

I spent most of the day wondering if it was over or if more was to come.  Around 4:45 pm on Sunday, just as dinner was finishing up, I went to the bathroom and heard something "big" drop in the toilet.  I put my hand in there and reach for what was our gestational sac.  I yelled to Lloyd, "I have our baby!"  He quickly came up and we began dissecting the sac to see our baby.




What a beautiful sight!  It's amazing how developed a baby is at 7 weeks...we could easily distinguish the head, spine, arms and legs that were just beginning to form.  It felt so uplifting and peaceful to SEE and HOLD our baby!  I'm forever thankful for this moment!




Since I was miscarrying naturally, my wish was to "rescue" our baby and not to flush it down the toilet.  To me, that would just be cruel and I felt the need and desire to honor our baby by giving it a proper burial. 


This is our placeholder stone...we are working on getting a personalized one!


When Lloyd got home Monday evening, we dug a hole in our backyard.  We said a prayer thanking God for our precious baby and the time that we were blessed to share with our baby.  It was a beautiful moment...providing both closeness between Lloyd and myself and closure for both of us.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

A Heart Filled with Thankfulness

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY BLESSED THANKSGIVING!!!

This year can easily be described as the best of times and the worst of times.  However, as I have traveled through life the past couple of weeks, I am reminded of how much God has provided for me and how extremely blessed I am!

LifeWay Christian Stores's photo. 

I am forever thankful for my amazing husband!  Through the good times and the bad times, I am continually amazed at just how perfect he is for me.  God knew exactly what I needed in my husband and Lloyd is all of that and more! 


<3 Love my husband
 
 
We are so very thankful for our two precious little babies!  Thank you God for every day, moment, and memory we had with Joy and James!  I am forever thankful for all the wonderful memories God has given us...from finding out we are pregnant, praying each and every day for our babies during pregnancy, seeing the heartbeat, being able to see and hold James, and knowing that our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus!
 
 
 
 

We are so blessed to have an awesome family, both immediate and extended.  Everyone has been so loving, encouraging, and supportive through all the trials.  Both Lloyd and I are so grateful for their unconditional love and support and cannot wait for the day when we get to make our parents grandparents!  Thank you so much for all that you do and always being here for us.


It`s Thanksgiving :-)
 

We are thankful for all of our wonderful friendships, both old and new!  Personally, I am so thankful for Carol and CJ, Sandy, Carmen, Whitney, Jan, Claudia, Joanna, Christy, Vonny, Valerie, and Karina (to name a few!).  Thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement, love, support, and friendship! 


Friendship happiness thanks thanksgiving pinterest pinterest quotes friendships blessings thanksgiving quotes
 

A few other things to be thankful for...our new church, our new home, our good health, and that we both have great jobs with wonderful co-workers!

Yes I do!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Even If

 
 
A few weeks ago, in the Celebrating Joy post, I mentioned how this song is dedicated to the journey I traveled in the months following the loss of our precious Joy.  This song was a gift from God one day while driving in the car and I knew the minute that I heard it that it would be instrumental to my healing and standing firm in the goodness of God's faithfulness. 

This past week has been HARD, both physically and emotionally, but in so many ways the loss of this precious baby boy (name still TBD) is different from the loss of Joy.  Yes, the pain is raw and it hurts more than words can describe.  The sadness is very deep.  And the anger...it's what is keeping me from completely breaking down (I guess I'm just not ready to go there yet).

As I begin the journey of traveling down the path of grieving and healing, the BIG difference I am noticing is that I can see the light at the end of this long tunnel. 


 
 
You see, last time I traveled this road it was completely filled with darkness (at least in the beginning).  Although I knew and trusted in God's promises, I just could not see how God was going to use the loss of Joy as a "good thing".  But, He did...going through that chapter in my life forever changed me as a mom, wife, woman, and follower of Jesus Christ.  The journey grew me in ways that I would've never grown had I not walked that path...it changed my heart completely and for the better! 

And, it changed our marriage as well!  We are so much stronger today because we were able to walk this road together.  We were challenged with turning toward each other during a time when many couples tend to walk the path separately.  We grew closer through praying more together as a couple and as I shared this blog with Lloyd (he was able to really understand just how hard the loss of Joy was on me).

It's in knowing all of this that I now can walk this path, one step at a time, knowing that there is so much light in the midst and at the end!  I am fully confident that God will move me in new ways and continue to work in me.  Although I know that we have a long road ahead of us (grieving, healing, seeking answers through testing, and wherever else this journey takes us) there is a part of me that is genuinely excited to see where God is taking me this time!

Psalm 27:13-14Speaking of, Jesus Calling for November 19th offered the following message:

LEAVE OUTCOMES UP TO ME.  Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion.  Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help.  When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence.  Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.
 
You already know the ultimate destination of your journey; your entrance into heaven.  So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Lift My Life Up

This morning as I was driving to work, I was thinking of where God has me right now.  The loss of our baby is starting to hit me emotionally as the physical part is slowly making it's way to the finish line.  I feel so lost and sad (and angry), not only for the loss of our baby but what it now means moving forward (healing- both emotionally and physically, testing, getting answers, and hoping/praying that our next pregnancy is successful).

Needless to say, I was in a pretty dark place.  I had an appointment with my OB yesterday and it was mostly filled with frustrating news.  There is still uterus (lining) in my uterus, we don't have the chromosome testing back yet (about one more week, so hopefully before Thanksgiving), we have not received approval to see the specialist(s), no trying again for 2-3 months or until we get approval from the specialist(s), and no sex for 2 weeks after the bleeding stops (I'm still bleeding and passing tissue so this could be a while).

While in this dark place, all of a sudden this song came on the radio.  I've heard this song many times before but for some reason it "spoke" to me this morning and lifted my spirit!  It's a reminder that as we move further and further along this journey, each step along the way causes me to submit more and more to God and His plan!  With this current setback and disappointment I definitely feel a sense of throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Take it all God...guide me along your path and let your will be done!".


 
 
Through all the trials, disappointments, setbacks, frustrations, and fears, God continues to provide and gives me strength to trust in His plan!  His plan is far greater than anything I can ever imagine and it's the hope that keeps me going!  I believe with all my heart that God will continue to move me and grow me through this process...and I undoubtedly believe that He will bless us with our baby that we will hold in our arms some day soon!
 
God has my whole heart, my entire life is placed in His loving and trustworthy hands!  As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for the Lord my God is with me!  Amen!
 
 
Psalm 23:4
 
 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Our Story- Part 2: Another Angel in Heaven

On November 5th I had another blood test done to see how my HCG levels were doing.  The results came back so much better than we ever imagined...2803, which means HCG was doubling every 3 days (up to 4 days is considered normal at this point)!

We were absolutely elated and praising God immediately!  I felt like I could finally "let go", stop riding the roller coaster of the ups and downs, and really start enjoying this beautiful gift that God had blessed us with! 

However, this was slightly short-lived as just 6 hours later I discovered spotting while going to the bathroom.  I called to let Lloyd know and we committed to praying and lifting up this pregnancy and baby into God's hands.  "Whatever your will is Lord is what we want!" was our prayer over the upcoming very long 9 days.


When you go thru a tough time remember the teacher is always quiet during a test
 

I emailed the "substitute" doctor the next morning to let him know what was going on.  He was excited about the HCG results and not really concerned about the spotting (it was brown, not transferring to a pad, etc so his lack of concern was logical). 

I continued to spot for the next 6 days and, after surviving the weekend, woke up Monday morning and let Lloyd know that I wanted to email the doctor and ask to be seen (the spotting was getting worse and I didn't want to wait another 4 days for my original first prenatal appointment).  The doctor was very kind and fit me in at 11:00 on November 11th.

Lloyd met me for the appointment and we waited until we were called back.  We were both anxious and nervous for the news we were about to receive.  When the nurse led us into the room to wait for the doctor, Lloyd asked to pray and that we did. 

Shortly after, the doctor came in and asked all the normal questions.  Once those were completed he proceeded to do an internal exam before doing what we really wanted and were waiting for...an internal ultrasound!

As soon as the ultrasound started, the first thing I noticed was that our baby was IN my uterus (this was good because we were still concerned about an ectopic/tubal pregnancy)!  At first, the ultrasound reminded me of our missed miscarriage because we didn't see the heartbeat right away.  The doctor zoomed in and immediately we saw what we were really hoping to see...a perfect, strong heartbeat!!!  It truly does not get any better than that! 

We cried and thanked God (and the doctor) and had a conversation about our chances of this ending in a healthy baby.  The doctor informed us that our chances of miscarrying were now 15% (many will say anywhere between 5-10% once the heartbeat is seen).  We were now not worried about HCG and progesterone and could continue on knowing that our baby was very much viable and alive!  We were also excited to learn that we were able to keep our original appointment and were looking forward to seeing our baby again in 3 more days!


Bible Verses bible-verses
 

That day was filled with so much JOY!  Even my manager commented on how he had not seen me smile like that in a long time (probably since our first pregnancy back in Jan/Feb). 

And then again, it was short-lived as exactly 24-hours later I started bleeding.  This wasn't just a little bit of blood either.  It was definitely enough to call the doctor immediately and ask for advice.  However, since I had my appointment on Thurs and we had just seen the heartbeat and there wasn't anything we could do to change whatever outcome was to come...I had to wait and be patient...and pray like never before!

I spent the next day at home, literally doing nothing but sitting on the couch, our front porch, or taking a nap.  I prayed and prayed that we would still have our baby and see the heartbeat on Thurs.  I will be honest and say that the wait between the bleeding and the appointment was very hard but I had not lost hope...I truly believed everything was going to be okay and we would still have a heartbeat.

Thursday morning came and both Lloyd and I were very excited for our appointment.  Time could not go by any faster that morning!  Again, we met up and waited to be seen.  The nurse called me back, did the normal Q&A, took a urine sample, and then led me back to the room (and I went to get Lloyd).  As we waited for the doctor, we prayed! 

My doctor came in and we went over what was going on.  Instead of doing the normal Q&A, data input, etc she was kind and started the ultrasound (to not keep me waiting any longer).  She immediately saw our baby and took the measurements...our baby had grown and was measuring 6 week, 6 days with an EDD of July 4th, 2014!  Hallelujah for a fireworks baby!!!

And then our nightmare began...we couldn't see the precious little heartbeat we had just seen 3 days earlier.  We were both in shock and disbelief that here we were again, going through the same exact process and journey we had just gone through 8 months earlier.  We were absolutely devastated beyond words.


9 years ago today, January 21st would have been your due date. Instead, for reasons unknown, you were miscarried at 14 weeks. I look at your siblings and wonder what you would have looked like. Your loss made me even more grateful for Nick, Ava and Dalton. I love you.
 

My doctor went through the normal routine of how to proceed...needing to confirm at the hospital (with another ultrasound), making a decision about D&C vs. natural vs. medication, and how to move forward (testing that can be done, referral to a specialist, etc).

We got dressed and went to check-out with the nurse.  While doing so, the "substitute" doctor came out and offered his condolences and advice.  He even started the testing process by ordering chromosome testing for both Lloyd and myself (a simple blood test that we were able to complete before leaving).

We left and headed to the hospital (which I really did not want to do as it was such a traumatic experience the first time) to confirm our loss.  The ultrasound technician was kind and let us see our baby after finishing her diagnosis.  They used infra-red to show blood flow throughout my body but nothing within our baby.  We had indeed lost our precious little baby.  We find comfort in knowing and believing that both our babies are together in heaven and in the arms of Jesus!

Miscarriage poem image by meandyouyouandme on Photobucket
 
Here we are again, grieving the loss of our baby that we loved so much and wondering, "Why?", "Will we ever be parents?", and now the new question of "Is there something wrong that is causing us to lose our babies?"

We have so many questions and very little answers at this moment...but one thing remains- our faith is stronger than it's ever been!  I trust and believe that we will be blessed with beautiful babies in the not so distant future.  I am holding on to God's promises and know that He will be victorious in the end and that this is just another chapter in our story...one that I know will be filled with growth and that I pray will be used for His glory!