I went for a walk after dinner last night. Upon returning home I saw my email that said my test results were posted. My heart was racing with curiosity and nervousness...it's like God had already prepared me for what I was about to see.
718...
Immediately, my heart sunk and my mind went to the worst place...we are inevitably going to lose this baby. I shared the news with Lloyd and a few people I had asked for prayers. Lloyd and I had our moments last night of crying, feeling defeated, losing hope, etc.
As we went to bed, we prayed to God letting Him know that no matter what happens, we trust in His plan...but, of course, we would love the miracle of holding this baby in our arms!
I woke up this morning with a new sense of hope and peace. Although still sad and frustrated that the numbers aren't what I want them to be and they don't LOOK good, I had this sense that I needed to do everything I could to fight for this baby! The numbers are going up and today our baby is still very much alive and growing!!!
I did a little research on low and slow rising HCG's and found some encouragement in seeing that there are NORMAL pregnancies that do not meet the standard textbook of doubling every 2-3 days. In fact, the statistics are that 85% of normal pregnancies have HCG doubling every 2-3 days...that means that 15% of normal pregnancies DO NOT follow this pattern and HCG alone is not the deciding factor!
This same 15% is also the same statistic of confirmed pregnancies that end in miscarriage...and since we have already experienced that with our first baby, I KNOW that it's possible to experience the positive side of this statistic with THIS baby!
The "substitute" doctor (filling in while my doctor is on vacation) ordered some more blood tests for next week and said that we will just keep our fingers crossed (I will continue to pray and pray and pray some more!) until my appointment in 2 weeks!
Only God knows how this will turn out...but I do believe that it will be okay, no matter what! Either I get my dream of holding our baby in my arms or I will go through another chapter of growth...only God knows the path that I need to take and I find comfort in knowing and trusting in His plans for my life!
On my walk this morning, I played this song on "repeat". It's such a great reminder of how God always comes through! He is my strength, my rock, my salvation...I will not fear for my help is on the way, my God will come through ALWAYS!!! I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord! Amen!
It's only been 9 days since we found out we are pregnant again and I already feel the weight of the emotional ups and downs, along with the normal pregnancy symptoms (thankful these haven't been TOO bad yet!).
On Friday we got the great news that our little peanut's HCG had doubled within the 72 hour limit! We are so thankful for this news and continue to pray that our little one is healthy and growing steadily with each passing day!
Yesterday I emailed my doctor asking when to schedule my first appointment. I quickly learned that she's out of the office and had placed another doctor (male) in charge during her absence. Let me just say that this doctor really lacks some bedside manner and really knows how to scare a pregnant woman!
He keeps emphasizing that my numbers are low ("they are going up, however" were his words), suggestive of a one week old instead of nearly five weeks. He also made a comment about "well, I hope there hasn't been any bleeding".
Needless to say, I am a little frustrated at his lack of reassurance! I did request another blood test in which I was able to get done today...hoping and praying that when we get our results back tomorrow, HCG is 1,000 or higher! GROW, BABY, GROW!!!
Speaking of praying...on my lunch hour today, while still feeling defeated and frustrated, I prayed and thanked God that He is a God that can work miracles! I'm so glad that my HOPE is found in Him alone and not in this doctor. I trust in God's plan for my life and for this precious little baby! I know that God is doing great things all around us and through us and I know that He's placed this baby in our life for a very specific purpose!
For now, I am reminded of God's word that says to focus on what is true and not to be anxious for anything! So today, my focus is on...
God- who is for me and for our baby, who makes all things possible!
Our HCG results are within the normal range for 5+ weeks
HCG did double within 72 hours
WE ARE PREGNANT and I LOVE THIS BABY SO MUCH!!!
God is AMAZING and I am thoroughly enjoying going through this pregnancy WITH Him! He has been here for me every step of the way, providing peace in the moments where peace seems impossible! I know that this is just the beginning of a beautiful journey ahead...one that I hope and pray brings our baby in our arms and we get the joy of parenting this precious child according to God's will and purpose for his or her life!
God is doing amazing things in our life right now! Looking back on this year, every step of this journey to start our family has been worth it...very hard at times, but worth it!
On Monday, October 21, 2013 around 7 pm my period was MIA and I just knew that God had given me His answer...so, I told Lloyd that I was going upstairs to take our last at home pregnancy test. The line literally appeared in about 5 seconds and I quickly went downstairs to share the great news with Lloyd! It was so wonderful having him there this time to share that moment (with our first pregnancy I tested at home on my lunch hour while Lloyd was at work)! We quickly let our parents and a few very close friends in on the news and then called it a night...mama needs her sleep!
You see, God has had His hand on this journey every step of the way! This story is so perfect that it could ONLY come from God! We got pregnant on Cycle 7 (same as last time), we conceived on Joy's birthday, Lloyd got an early birthday present, and we are due with this precious little baby on my birthday!!! God is good and His plans are far greater than anything we can ever plan for ourselves!
Tuesday morning on the drive to work, the song "We Won't Be Shaken" came on the radio. I put my hand on my belly and told our little peanut that God's got this...just continue to grow and I'm going to love you every minute of these nine months and I cannot wait to hold you in my arms! It was such a beautiful moment and the beginning of reality really sinking in.
This past week has already been full of challenges and emotions. I emailed my doctor immediately asking for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. She is amazing (same doctor that was there for our miscarriage) and put the order in for Tuesday. I went in on lunch to have my blood drawn and nervously waited the blood results that came on Thursday morning...HCG is 144! WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
Now, the important number is the HCG level 48-72 hours later where we want it to double. So, I let everyone know the number and asked for prayer requests of 300 or higher. My doctor called me Friday morning and let me know that my HCG had gone up, but my progesterone was a little low (14.85 vs. 15 or higher) so she wanted me to pick up a prescription. She also wanted me to do another blood test for HCG within the next day or two.
I asked, "So, what was my number?". She replied that it was 213 in which I responded that it was a little low. She agreed but didn't seem to be too panicked. I, on the other hand, was a little worried! I knew that we had a 50/50 chance of this turning out well and I tried my best to hang on to the 50% where our baby is growing perfectly normal!
I left work early and headed to the hospital to do the blood test. My friend Carol met me with her adorable 10 week old daughter, CJ! It was so wonderful having the two of them there! The lab quickly got me back for my blood draw and now it was just up to us to pray and wait patiently (and battle with the pharmacy on getting the prescription filled!).
I drove home, ate some food, and then decided to take a nap. After sleeping for about an hour, I woke up and checked my email. There were test results that were released at 11:48 am. I thought they were for my thyroid that was taken on Thursday, so I logged in to check the results.
I quickly saw that there were HCG results, one from Thursday and the other from Friday! I clicked to check the results and was elated to know that it was 301!!! Our little peanut made the cutoff and is within the normal growing rate! I was beyond relieved...feeling so thankful, blessed, and full of joy!
From the time I received the news from the doctor and getting the results, I prayed really hard. I knew that God could make anything happen and that if it was His will we would have a good result. I also knew that if it wasn't God's will for us to have this baby that, although it would be extremely hard and devestating, that I would get through it...with God by my side. You see, all the work He did in me through our last season was to prepare me for all of these moments. It's a constant test of "Will you trust in Me no matter what the circumstances may be?"
I don't know what the next few days, weeks, and months have in store for us...but, I do know that God is so good and faithful! I truly trust in every part of His plan for my life and I am lifting up our baby and this pregnancy to His loving hands! For now, today I am pregnant and I absolutley love this little miracle more than words can say!
For many months (more than I even want to admit) following the loss of our baby, I was overly anxious. I often found myself constantly having to repeat the same prayer, multiple times a day, giving God all of my concerns, worries, and fears.
In the early days, I prayed and continued to have faith in God...but honestly, it was a half-hearted trust during this time. I knew in my heart that God is good, He is faithful, He will come through in His perfect timing, God is for me, and He loves me more than I can ever imagine and greatly more than I deserve. But for some reason, I didn't feel "close" to God in those initial days and weeks. The pain was too intense and I "didn't want to go there yet".
I was in this constant struggle of wanting to gain control. This need for control was driven out of all my fears..."What if it takes a while to get pregnant again?", "What if we lose another baby?", "How much longer do we have to wait?", and "What if we never get pregnant again?". In addition, I had feelings that I would never allow myself to get excited and attached to another pregnancy- that the next time would be completely different, full of fear instead of absolute joy.
You see, all of these fears, caused this need to control everything. And with that, I felt alone and distant from God (even though I knew that it was my own doing- He was right there with me every step of the way!). As time passed, I was able to see the small pieces of the work He was doing in me. As my fears were handed over to God, I felt less need to control and found greater peace.
Peace is not the absence of trouble or problems in our life but the presence of God. He tells us not to be anxious about anything, to give everything over to Him who will provide His peace that surpasses all understanding.
Whenever I'm feeling like I need a reminder or some perspective on "Peace", I listen to this wonderful sermon (www.friendschurchyl.com/media December 9, 2012). The cliff notes version is that we are to trust God no matter what, in all circumstances, and that we can get to a place in our hearts that our prayer is "WHATEVER".
Whatever your will is God, I want it...I might not understand what He is doing, why He does certain things in my life, or where He is taking me but, no matter what, I will trust in Him who makes all things good!
So my prayer each and every day is for God to change my heart so that I can truly say with confidence...no matter what the answer is God, I want your will!!! My heart is in a place of hopeful expectation, filled with excitement of finding out that we are pregnant again! I cannot wait to enjoy another pregnancy and baby, knowing that no matter what, God is for me and His grace and peace is sufficient to sustain me every minute of every day!
After confirming that we had lost our baby, I called Lloyd to let him know the horrible news. He was at work and this was the last thing he was expecting to hear. He told me that he would let his manager know and that he was coming home. I reassured him that I was okay (I was still in shock and disbelief) but he insisted and came home.
As we sat around our home, not sure what to do or say, we found ourselves on our front porch. We were asking the questions "Why?", "What do we do now?", and "Who do we still need to tell?". I was angry and felt like it was cruel that I had to continue going on with life knowing that my lifeless baby was still in my womb. It was on this front porch and during this conversation that Lloyd reminded me that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle".
I sarcastically responded, "Well, I think God is overestimating my strength on this one". But, it's true...WITH God, we can get through anything! As I look back on the past 7 months, I have gone from a place of fear, restlessness, anxiety, sadness, and anger to a place where I can honestly say that no matter what God's answer is each and every month, it's a good answer! I want God's plan because it is immeasurably greater than anything I can ever plan for myself!
My prayer the past couple months has been for God to continue providing me with His peace and comfort as I wait on Him to fulfill His plan for this journey. The funny thing is that if God were to tell me today, "I promise you will have your baby in your arms but it's going to be two years from now", I honestly would be okay! Although I am very confident that God will answer this prayer, it's the waiting for His perfect timing and not knowing "when" that is hard.
That's why He asks us to trust in Him always and to focus on His promises...God is always victorious and comes through ON time EVERY time! :) Each month that passes and we get another "Not Yet" answer, Lloyd and I remind each other that God just has an extra special baby up there for us! With each passing day the desire to be a parent continues to deepen and we know that we are forever changed for the better having gone through this journey!
Only time will tell what this journey unfolds...but today, and always, I believe that God is good and He will provide the strength to get us through each and every day!
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
One of the most difficult things for women grieving after a miscarriage is that they feel alone. Part of this is because many people don't talk about miscarriages- either because they don't understand that it truly is a loss (not only of a baby but also the hopes and dreams they had for this baby and their family) and/or they simply don't know what to say. Since miscarriages are very common (1 in 5 realized pregnancies will result in a miscarriage), I feel that it's important to educate people on ways to help support those that have lost a child.
Here are some helpful hints:
Let them know that you are there for them, thinking of them and praying for them. Cards were actually really sweet and very much appreciated.
Text messages and e-mails might be better so that it allows them to respond when they are ready.
Food, gift cards, stuffed animals, and books are great ideas. Plants can be a good idea but I would stay away from flowers (they tend to die and well, that could be a little painful).
Be there in the initial days but also be there in the weeks and months to come.
Be willing to talk about the baby (of course, only if the parents want to!). It will bring them comfort to know that their baby is thought of and can be shared with loved ones.
Try to stay away from these statements. Although well intended, they do not help (and sometimes can be hurtful).
This was God's will (although very true, now is not the time to say it)
This was probably a blessing in disguise. There was probably something wrong with the baby (in the moment, I would've gladly taken any child God would give me and love it with everything I have).
At least you weren't farther along (A loss is a loss no matter how early on. All losses are painful and deserve to be mourned).
Be glad you didn't get attached to it (Most women are automatically "attached" from the time they saw the second line on the pregnancy test).
Please don't share stories of women who had multiple losses and then went on to have a healthy baby (Although the end result is a baby, the thought of having to go through this all over again is very frightening).
You can always have another one (This has to be one of the worst things you can say. Having another baby has nothing to do with the loss of this baby. This baby is simply irreplaceable).
Remember that most miscarriages are 100% unavoidable and weren't the result of something the mother did. Try to reaffirm the mother that it wasn't her fault.
Miscarriage is very difficult for dad too. This is definitely not something that just affects the mom. It's important that dad is able to grieve too and know that he has support from loved ones!
Miscarriage IS the loss of a life...a baby that was truly loved, prayed for, wanted, and cherished just as much as any baby that a mother and father get to actually take home and hold in their arms.
Jesus Calling is a wonderful devotional that I highly recommend to everyone! It was recommended to me and I started reading it daily sometime in January. It's truly amazing how some days really "speak" to you and March 12, 2013 was one of those days.
For some reason I was too busy that morning to read the devotional. I left for work and went to my appointment and it wasn't until later that evening that I received this message from God.
On the day that we found out we lost our precious baby, this is the message that was awaiting me in Jesus Calling:
WAITING, TRUSTING, AND HOPING are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.
Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence.
What a beautiful and powerful message from God! In those first moments, the big question being asked was "Why God?" and in His word I was able to cling to this message to wait expectantly, trust always, and stay hopeful while God does His good work in me!
In those first moments after finding out we had lost our baby, the emotions were intense and they were all over the place. I was angry. I was extremely sad. How was I going to tell Lloyd? I wanted this baby, another baby could not take away this pain and loss that I was feeling (this is still true). How could we "try again" and move forward? Honestly, in those early days, the thought of having sex and being pregnant again was absolutely terrifying to me.
How will I feel if we get pregnant right away? Will I be emotionally ready?
What if it takes us longer than we want to get pregnant? How will I cope with this disappointment month after month?
Do I want to be pregnant so that it replaces the pain of losing this baby or do I want it for the right reasons?
It also helped me realize the things that I couldn't foresee. Things such as the arrival of my period being a direct reminder of what we had loss, that being pregnant right away (when not emotionally healed) would be terrifying and stressful, that the next pregnancy could lead to another miscarriage and that could cause problems if the grief had not been dealt with properly with this miscarriage.
But, in a time where I learned that I was completely powerless, I felt the need to take control where I could. Although I wanted to give myself time to heal emotionally and physically, I also had this intense desire to be pregnant again- no matter what, I needed to be moving forward (part of my "let's fast forward as quickly as possible through this journey!" mentality).
At my two week post-D&C follow-up, my doctor advised that we wait two full cycles before trying again. I kindly told her that we weren't going to try but we also weren't going to prevent..."If God wants us to be pregnant, that's His will and I'm willing to risk another loss if it's too soon". She reassured me that if we did get pregnant we wouldn't be at an increased risk. Apparently they offer this advice to allow the uterus to rebuild it's lining but also because it's easier to date the pregnancy and to allow time for emotional healing.
So, full of fear and anxiety, I decided that I was going to trust God and continue doing what I could. We started trying immediately. That first month was really hard as my body was still recovering from the pregnancy and D&C. I took a HPT every week until I got a negative. This took 3 weeks and I was surprised at my anger every time the test was still positive...it was painful to see a positive test and know that we weren't pregnant, but it was also a reminder that my body wasn't 100% healed and we couldn't get pregnant again until the test turned negative.
In the beginning months, I was angry that I now had to chart again (I had just stopped charting one cycle before getting pregnant...I commit to 6 months of charting to make sure I ovulate so that if we ever have to go for testing they won't send me home and say "chart for 6 months and then come back"). It felt like we were starting all over again. I was also angry every time I realized that my body had changed with pregnancy...my periods were heavier, more painful, and longer; I didn't ovulate like clockwork and my cycles, although within the norms of regular, seemed really inconsistent and unpredictable.
Getting my period month after month was HARD. Each month I was so hopeful and excited for the possibility of being pregnant. Then my period would come and I was full of anger, sadness, and a sense of loss that was extremely intense. I would be in a funk for the first 2-3 days, not wanting to try anymore and wanting to give up. I would throw a pity party for one (definitely not my proudest moments!).
I was anxious, really wanting to be pregnant again before our EDD. This anxiety was present at all times...when will I ovulate? Are we pregnant this month (I have symptoms!)? With each passing month and getting closer to our EDD, the anxiety seemed to really take over. It wasn't until God gave us a "Not Yet" on our last chance cycle (Cycle 6), that I was finally able to feel peace knowing that we have our answer of not being pregnant before our EDD and IT'S OKAY!
It was Cycle 5 that really was a turnaround for me. We were "late" and I felt really confident that God was letting me know that we were pregnant again. I was super excited! I hesitated another day before finally letting go and taking a test...it was negative and my heart immediately sank. I held out hope knowing that my period had not arrived. Then, God and I had a serious "talk". Although I was ecstatic at the possibility of being pregnant again, God really challenged me in how I would deal with this pregnancy. I had to admit, for the first time, that I was full of fear of the possibility of having to go through all of this again (for months I had been "telling" myself that all I needed was to get pregnant...I had not acknowledged that fear of another miscarriage was indeed present, but God knew!). It was then that I realized how God is using this journey to build my trust in Him so that, when we do get pregnant again, I will be able to let go of ALL my fears and give it ALL to Him!
I was truly exhausted from the roller coaster of ever-changing emotions, from highs to lows. It's like this cycle took everything out of me and forced me to TRULY submit to God. Cycle 6 was different in that I was hopeful (but not setting myself up for disappointment) and yet very peaceful. My anxiety was almost non-existent throughout the entire month. When my period finally came, I was sad but not overly depressed and in a funk.
We have been trying for 7 months now and only God knows what this cycle will bring (I'm praying for a positive, if it's His will!). All I know is that God is in control of this journey...He has a plan that is far greater than my own! With each passing month, He is healing my broken heart and building up a trust in Him that is unshakable!
After going through ALL of this, I know the following:
God is in the driver's seat and I can find peace in His timing
God will comfort me in the next pregnancy- there is no need to fear
Even if we have more miscarriages, I am strong enough to get through it
I will never quit on our dream to have our family so long as God keeps the desire in my heart
Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of the first bible verses I remember memorizing in youth group. Every week we would have to memorize bible verses and at the end of the year "scripture memorization" was one of the competitions at the yearly round-up. I have always had a great ability to memorize, mainly because my brain literally takes a picture of what I see and I am able to regurgitate the words, and I excelled in this part of the "competition".
If I reflect on the countless verses once memorized, I cannot recall a single verse at the top of my head. However, in those first moments after learning we had lost our baby, it was this precise verse that came to my mind and heart.
If I had to dedicate a single verse in all the bible to this journey, Proverbs 3:5-6 would be the verse! I'm humbled and comforted by this command to TRUST God with ALL my heart and not to lean on MY understanding.
Let's face it, there is no way to comprehend or UNDERSTAND why God would finally answer months of prayers, give us a baby, allow us to get insanely attached to this precious gift that is our son or daughter, and give us an excitement and hope that is indescribable, only to allow it to be taken away all too soon.
In the many conversations I had with family and friends in the early days, the comment of understanding would often come up...and, my response was always, "I don't feel the need to understand...I know that God has a plan". I find comfort in knowing the truth that God ordained our baby's life for 10.5 weeks and that there has to be some greater purpose for going through this trial.
Trials are not always a consequence for something you or I did wrong, sometimes they are allowed even when we do everything right. Sometimes God allows these things to happen (even to the best of people, believers, and followers) so that He can complete a work in us that when we are through the trial we will be complete, not lacking anything.
While IN the moments of this trial, JOY is the last word I would use to describe my demeanor and disposition. Honestly, words that come to mind to describe how I was feeling are hurt, restless, sad, angry, depressed, and full of fear. However, having walked through the past months and seeing how much God has used this trial to change me in so many ways, I can see and feel the JOY that comes when God tests you in so many ways and you come through the trial a completely different person than when you started!
I thank God daily for this journey that He has me on! I am so thankful that He blessed my husband and I with our baby, that I was able to experience the joy in finding out we were pregnant and the sheer beauty of pregnancy, that I got to see our little baby's heartbeat, and that I was able to see a glimpse of the love a parent has for their children! I find so much strength in the hope of all these things being experienced again with our next baby...they are the precious moments and memories tucked safely in my heart that keep me encouraged and persevering, even in the moments when my mind feels like giving up.
I'm thankful that while trying to find out "why" and learn the "lessons I'm supposed to learn" that I am able to TRUST God with ALL my heart and not lean on my own understanding...and He is directing my paths!
In the weeks leading up to Joy's birthday, I was really searching for a way to celebrate and remember this special day! I knew that I didn't want the day to pass just like all the others- I wanted it to be special. I prayed about things we could do, ways we could memorialize/celebrate, etc and nothing was really speaking to me...until I was on one of the forums I frequent and a woman posted about her husband's thoughtful idea to write a letter to their baby (on their EDD) and release it in a balloon. This was perfect, I thought!
So, I went to Michael's craft store on Friday and purchased cute pink and purple spotted paper. On Saturday morning I wrote Joy a letter to let her know how much I love her and miss her every single day. While out and about running errands, I stopped in Stater Bros and asked for a purple balloon. I placed the letter in the balloon, filled it up with helium, and proceeded to return home.
My plan was to release the balloon at sunrise the next morning, on the trails near our home overlooking the valley. However, while cooking dinner that night, I looked at the balloon and realized that it was quickly losing air. I asked Lloyd for his advice and he agreed that it probably wouldn't last until the next morning.
Dinner still had about 20 minutes left to cook and sunset was fast approaching. Lloyd thought that I should drive his car to the trail and release the balloon at sunset. I thought releasing it at sunset was perfect, but a part of me really wanted to run to the trail. Running is always something that brings me closer to God and lets me know that Joy is near (it's a reminder of my pregnancy days where I would run and pray for Joy)!
While Lloyd took over finishing up dinner, I set out on my adventure...balloon in hand and a very Santa Ana windy evening! I arrived at the trail in plenty of time before sunset. I had my iPhone in hand to take some pictures and decided that I wanted to worship God during this time, through music and prayer. I put my Christian music playlist on...normally I would let the songs play in sequence but this time I felt that I needed to let God decide what I needed to hear. I'm so glad I did this because His selection was perfect.
As I walked down the trail, the first song that came on was Kutless, "I'm Still Yours". God couldn't have given me a more perfect song to start this celebration, as it really does speak to my faith in God...I will remain faithful even if He takes it all away.
Walking along the trail, balloon in hand, I prayed thanking God for this beautiful day, amazing sunset, for always being here for me throughout this journey, for giving me a husband that has truly been incredible and bringing us closer through this journey, and for the amazing gift that is Joy! But, I didn't realize how difficult it would be to release the balloon...I wanted to wait for the perfect moment but yet it was hard to LET GO when the time came.
God gave me the gentle nudge at the end of the song and I was able to release the balloon. It was such a freeing moment, very therapeutic. I continued to walk along the trail, taking pictures (at one point it got stuck in a tree and I was able to release it again) as it flew away.
"Even If" by Kutless was the second song that came on, just as I was releasing the balloon for it's final destination. I was in awe at this selection as this is the song that God gave me back in April. I vividly remember the first time I heard it...I was driving to my in-laws home in Bullhead City (we were all driving separately because we were moving them from Apple Valley to Bullhead that day). This song came on the radio and I instantly had to Shazam it and find out what it was. I have listened to this song repeatedly...some days, this was the ONLY song I listened to! It's a true reminder that no matter what, God is good and God is faithful. It kept my focus on the truth found in God's word. This is the song that I listened to when the pain was intense, my anxiety was at it's worse, and I was full of fear...it was through this song that I was able to release these things into God's arms and for a few moments feel His peace, grace, and love (more to come on this song in the upcoming weeks!).
I continued to jog down the trail, following the balloon...thinking and praying along the way. This celebration truly was perfect in so many ways! It was a special moment for Joy and me, it was healing and freeing, and most importantly I felt God ALL over me from the time I wrote the letter until I returned home to Lloyd! Throughout this entire journey, the one thing that continues to amaze me is how present God has been...He truly has been near every step of the way, hearing all my prayers, meeting all my needs, and giving me enough grace to get through every single day! God is GOOD!
Throughout my trek home, the following songs played:
"Never Once" by Matt Redman
"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets
"We Won't Be Shaken" by Building 429
"I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin
Each and every one of those songs was hand picked from God and they were perfect! They each have their own special place in this journey and have truly helped encourage me throughout the past 6 months! Thank you God for providing the perfect worship for a day I will never forget and always sustaining me every step of the way! To You be the Glory, forever and ever, AMEN!
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller is the inspiration for the title of my blog.
I first heard this song right around our 5th month of trying to get pregnant. It was the perfect "gift" from God at this time in our journey. This song was His way of telling me to be patient, peaceful, hopeful, and to continue persevering, knowing that He will come through. I would play this song and have it on "repeat", listening to it constantly. Every time I heard the song it took me into this place of serene peace, hope, and excitement for all that God was doing in our life. It magically erased the fears of whether or not we could get pregnant...this was my "lifesong" during these couple of months.
Then God took us on a whole new path when we lost our baby and all of a sudden, I couldn't even listen to this song. It would come on my playlist and I would quickly click "next". Or, I would listen and the words did not speak to me the same way they had just a few short months ago.
In the days, weeks, and months after losing our baby I really struggled in my relationship with God. Even though I knew and trusted that God is good, God is faithful, His plan is best, and I found hope in knowing that we could get pregnant, I still struggled to let God (and most everyone in my life) in because the pain was so fresh. It was like I was going through the motions of praying, going to church, constantly trying to understand "why" in an attempt to fast forward through this process as quickly as possible and yet I felt so distant from God.
From the time the "gun went off" (in the hospital, lying on the ultrasound bed confirming the miscarriage) and the race started, I knew that God was there every step of the way. But, it took time for me to let God in...the pain I felt in those early days was so excruciating that I "didn't want to go there". I was in this sense of denial and couldn't truly face the pain. I would meet with my therapist, specifically to deal with the grief of the miscarriage, and I felt like I wasn't making any progress. Week after week, I knew exactly what I was feeling and wanted to talk about before our appointment...but then I would get in the room and "freeze". I literally could not "go there" because then I would have to feel every ounce of the pain and it was too much to bear at this time.
As time moved on though and the pain eased, God persevered and He won! He has slowly unveiled some of the puzzle pieces to me and, although we have a long way to go until the puzzle is complete, with each piece I found strength in His love, peace, joy, grace, and mercy. The past couple of months have been a prayer of "how can I use all that God has taught me through this journey to reach out to others and provide comfort and support to those struggling with the same pain, sadness, and fears that I have?"
It's my prayer that everyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss (no matter when they lost the baby...a loss at 4 weeks is still a loss and deserves mourning) will find strength in knowing that you are NEVER alone...no matter what, you have a God that loves you (and loves your baby more than you do!) and is there for you every step of the way! I pray that you feel His peace that surpasses all understanding and continue to trust in His faithfulness while you're waiting for Him to answer all your prayers in His perfect timing!
January 29, 2013 was one of the best days of my life! This was the day when our prayers were finally answered and we received the great news that we were pregnant! Seeing that second line on the pregnancy test was such a beautiful feeling, a feeling that literally brought tears to my eyes! It's a feeling that I can still feel today and one that I've held on to these past 6 months...it gives me strength and hope- it's a feeling that I absolutely cannot wait to feel again!
For 6 short weeks our life was forever changed. We were eagerly anticipating the arrival of our precious son or daughter on October 6, 2013! Each and every day was a step closer to our "finish line". I found myself praying for our little baby, praying for my role as a new mom, daydreaming of the upcoming milestones of finding out whether we were having a boy or a girl, feeling our baby kick, our due date and being able to finally hold our baby in our arms. I was making plans for how I would get back into shape in time for the Boston Marathon 6 months later (excited to take our baby for runs in a jogging stroller). We bought a new home in anticipation of our expanding family. I was walking around so giddy with this little secret that was kept from most of the world. With each passing day, our dreams were becoming a reality and I was really getting excited for our new life as a family of three! I couldn't wait to share the news with the rest of the world and let them in on our little secret!
Then, on March 12, 2013 (at 10.5 weeks), we were blindsided with the devastating news that we had suffered a missed miscarriage. We had lost our baby somewhere around the 8-9 week mark but yet our "little peanut" was still hanging out and I was still feeling very pregnant.
These past 6 months have been HARD. I went from a place of the highest joy to the deepest darkness, all within a single moment. All the things I had been dreaming about suddenly came to a crashing halt, at least for this season. I had to learn to cope with a pain and sadness that cannot be described. And, the hardest part is that no one really, truly understands the depth of your pain, sadness, anger, and fears (except God).
So, in a time when we should have been walking a very euphoric path (picking out baby names, buying clothes and car seats, and getting the nursery ready), we were now taken down a whole new path that was much different than we were anticipating. Instead of waiting excitedly for October 6th, this day has been one of anxious anticipation. For me, I had this "goal" of being pregnant again by this milestone. I thought that it was realistic (we had almost 7 months to make it happen) and I felt like if we were pregnant then life was moving forward and this date wouldn't be so hard to face.
With each passing month and another "Not Yet" answer from God, there was so much pain, anger, and sadness. The arrival of my period was a direct reminder of what we lost and that we weren't any closer to having our second baby in our arms. There were months that I wanted to give up because the pain and sadness were too much- it felt like it was taking over every part of my life and it truly was so intense that it felt unbearable at times. It was in those moments that I found so much comfort from God. I felt His peace that surpasses all understanding and I found the strength to continue persevering no matter what.
Month after month I would be so full of hope (our timing was great, I had "symptoms", and I just knew that God was going to come through one of these times) only to be disappointed and frustrated with another "Not Yet". Going into this past cycle, the "last chance" before our due date, I prayed throughout the entire cycle. I prayed to be pregnant, for a healthy baby, for trust in God's plan, for God's will (and finally meant it with full sincerity!)...but most importantly, I prayed for God's peace. I prayed that my anxiety would disappear and I handed over my control over the need to be pregnant to God. I placed it all in His loving, gracious hands and said, "Lord, let your will be done, not mine" and "I will praise you and remain hopeful and faithful no matter what Your answer is".
God gave us another "Not Yet", and for the first time since losing our baby, I feel peaceful, truly hopeful, patient, and 100% willing to sit back and let God lead the way. I'm finally at a place where I am able to ACCEPT that this is our story. God is taking us through this journey for His good and to mature us. I firmly believe that it's a growing season for us and we will have our family in His perfect timing! God is simply saying, "Not Yet".
So, here we are on October 6, 2013...a day once filled with much anticipation and excitement to meet our little baby. Today will not be a fulfillment of the dreams we once had for today but I have found so much peace in knowing that God is leading the way, God is holding our little baby in His arms, and she will be the one that greets us into heaven some day!
I found this poem in the first few days after losing our baby...I feel like it's simply perfect and a great reminder that Joy will always be in our hearts, is present in many life moments (I feel her presence a lot while running, probably because I loved going on runs and praying for her while I was pregnant!), and she is up there with Jesus- who is singing her lullabies!
I have a necklace that I wear every day...it's a heart pendant that says, "God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart". Joy- you will always be in Mommy's heart! I love you and miss you every single day! Thank you for forever changing my life in such an amazing way! I cannot wait for the day when I finally get to hold you in my arms and never let you go!
