January 29, 2013 was one of the best days of my life! This was the day when our prayers were finally answered and we received the great news that we were pregnant! Seeing that second line on the pregnancy test was such a beautiful feeling, a feeling that literally brought tears to my eyes! It's a feeling that I can still feel today and one that I've held on to these past 6 months...it gives me strength and hope- it's a feeling that I absolutely cannot wait to feel again!
For 6 short weeks our life was forever changed. We were eagerly anticipating the arrival of our precious son or daughter on October 6, 2013! Each and every day was a step closer to our "finish line". I found myself praying for our little baby, praying for my role as a new mom, daydreaming of the upcoming milestones of finding out whether we were having a boy or a girl, feeling our baby kick, our due date and being able to finally hold our baby in our arms. I was making plans for how I would get back into shape in time for the Boston Marathon 6 months later (excited to take our baby for runs in a jogging stroller). We bought a new home in anticipation of our expanding family. I was walking around so giddy with this little secret that was kept from most of the world. With each passing day, our dreams were becoming a reality and I was really getting excited for our new life as a family of three! I couldn't wait to share the news with the rest of the world and let them in on our little secret!
Then, on March 12, 2013 (at 10.5 weeks), we were blindsided with the devastating news that we had suffered a missed miscarriage. We had lost our baby somewhere around the 8-9 week mark but yet our "little peanut" was still hanging out and I was still feeling very pregnant.
These past 6 months have been HARD. I went from a place of the highest joy to the deepest darkness, all within a single moment. All the things I had been dreaming about suddenly came to a crashing halt, at least for this season. I had to learn to cope with a pain and sadness that cannot be described. And, the hardest part is that no one really, truly understands the depth of your pain, sadness, anger, and fears (except God).
So, in a time when we should have been walking a very euphoric path (picking out baby names, buying clothes and car seats, and getting the nursery ready), we were now taken down a whole new path that was much different than we were anticipating. Instead of waiting excitedly for October 6th, this day has been one of anxious anticipation. For me, I had this "goal" of being pregnant again by this milestone. I thought that it was realistic (we had almost 7 months to make it happen) and I felt like if we were pregnant then life was moving forward and this date wouldn't be so hard to face.
With each passing month and another "Not Yet" answer from God, there was so much pain, anger, and sadness. The arrival of my period was a direct reminder of what we lost and that we weren't any closer to having our second baby in our arms. There were months that I wanted to give up because the pain and sadness were too much- it felt like it was taking over every part of my life and it truly was so intense that it felt unbearable at times. It was in those moments that I found so much comfort from God. I felt His peace that surpasses all understanding and I found the strength to continue persevering no matter what.
Month after month I would be so full of hope (our timing was great, I had "symptoms", and I just knew that God was going to come through one of these times) only to be disappointed and frustrated with another "Not Yet". Going into this past cycle, the "last chance" before our due date, I prayed throughout the entire cycle. I prayed to be pregnant, for a healthy baby, for trust in God's plan, for God's will (and finally meant it with full sincerity!)...but most importantly, I prayed for God's peace. I prayed that my anxiety would disappear and I handed over my control over the need to be pregnant to God. I placed it all in His loving, gracious hands and said, "Lord, let your will be done, not mine" and "I will praise you and remain hopeful and faithful no matter what Your answer is".
God gave us another "Not Yet", and for the first time since losing our baby, I feel peaceful, truly hopeful, patient, and 100% willing to sit back and let God lead the way. I'm finally at a place where I am able to ACCEPT that this is our story. God is taking us through this journey for His good and to mature us. I firmly believe that it's a growing season for us and we will have our family in His perfect timing! God is simply saying, "Not Yet".
So, here we are on October 6, 2013...a day once filled with much anticipation and excitement to meet our little baby. Today will not be a fulfillment of the dreams we once had for today but I have found so much peace in knowing that God is leading the way, God is holding our little baby in His arms, and she will be the one that greets us into heaven some day!
I found this poem in the first few days after losing our baby...I feel like it's simply perfect and a great reminder that Joy will always be in our hearts, is present in many life moments (I feel her presence a lot while running, probably because I loved going on runs and praying for her while I was pregnant!), and she is up there with Jesus- who is singing her lullabies!
I have a necklace that I wear every day...it's a heart pendant that says, "God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart". Joy- you will always be in Mommy's heart! I love you and miss you every single day! Thank you for forever changing my life in such an amazing way! I cannot wait for the day when I finally get to hold you in my arms and never let you go!
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