2 Years Ago...

March 12, 2013 was a life-changing day.  We were pregnant, expecting our first child.  We had seen the heartbeat just 3 weeks earlier and I was feeling very much pregnant when I walked into my routine prenatal appointment.

My OB did the ultrasound and I was completely blindsided when we couldn't find the heartbeat.  In that moment I knew we had lost our precious child. 

I was sent to the hospital to confirm our loss and I can remember looking at the screen and praying so hard for a heartbeat.  But then I watched as the ultrasound technician wrote the words, "NO FETAL HEARTBEAT".  That was truly the worst moment of my entire life.  Two years later and I still feel the pain in that moment like it just happened yesterday.

But in that moment I felt God like I've never felt God before.  Yes, I was beyond devastated and didn't know how I was going to get through that season.  I had to call my husband at work and tell him the horrible news.  I had to decide how to miscarry.  And then I had to start the journey of grieving and the spiritual journey of growth that followed in the many days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

All the while God kept challenging me to TRUST in His plan and daily reminded me that everything works out for His good.  As I sit here and write this blog today I can affirm that that is very true...God used our journey to not only forever change me and Lloyd but to also reach out and support others who have gone through a similar journey.  I have been tremendously blessed with opportunities to be there for friends, both real-life and those I've met on our online forum.  Every time I have the honor and privilege to walk alongside a friend going through a loss or being pregnant after a loss(or losses) it reminds me that God took us through that season of our life for a reason...there was a purpose that is far greater than we could have imagined.

I was reminded of all this as I was reading through my old emails from my OB.  Just after my first loss we were emailing back and forth (I was sharing with her the message we had heard at church "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience even if I never tell you why") and she responded saying that right now we don't understand but in the future we will and God will use this season in our life for good, whether I help others through a loss or that I see more beauty in the world. 

Both of those things could not be more true!  I have been so blessed to help others and to share our story (this blog was very much a prayerful decision, one that I argued with God many times before submitting and starting it...and I'm glad I did because sharing our story has helped so many people).  I also see things so differently now and am a completely different person because of our losses.  Whether it be the small things in life that used to bother me, letting go of "my plans" and letting God direct my life while I wait patiently (or at least try to...I'm still a work in progress!), cherishing moments and memories with family and friends, or the moments when I'm outside on a walk and soaking in all of God's beauty!  I definitely appreciate "life" a lot more thanks to the path we've journyed these past two years...Joy had her own purpose for our life and I'm so incredibly thankful for her (and James too)! 

Most importantly, I'm thankful for God who kept challenging me to TRUST and reassuring me of his faithfulness all the while showering me with love, peace, grace, strength, and mercy!  I've said it many times before...I am thankful for all that we went through.  Yes it was hard but it's a road we needed to travel, that led us to our sweet Cameron, and we will forever continue to share our story as a testimony and to help support others during such a hard time.  God is good and He is faithful...He has a plan and a purpose for every season of life!