Finding Support While Journeying Through Infertility and Miscarriages

I'm not quite sure why I haven't really touched on this topic yet, but it's really weighing on my heart today and thought I would share my thoughts.

I am extremely blessed (beyond any words that can be written here) to have a great support system in place right now.  From the very beginning (since Day 1 of starting our journey of getting pregnant), many close friends and family were aware that we had "pulled the goalie out of the net".  We were able to lean on these people when we started having fears and doubts on whether or not we would get pregnant.  This is something that I felt was important for me and that I felt comfortable sharing with those close to me.

When we got pregnant with Joy, we did tell a few very close friends and our immediate family members.  We made the decision not to tell the "rest of the world" until we were out of the first trimester; however, once we saw the heartbeat and started feeling like this was really happening, we did tell a few more people. 

Then we lost Joy and had to "untell" everyone, which was really hard.  I remember that day and having the feeling like I just needed to get all the phone calls over with as a step in the direction of moving forward. 

But, it was also a very good thing.  If we had made the decision not to share our pregnancy with those close to us then it would have also been much more difficult to share about our loss.  I found that sharing our loss was very therapeutic for me.  It really helped, and continues to help, for me to be able to talk about our losses and all the emotions that go along with this journey.  I also found that everyone has been very loving, supportive, caring, and encouraging...all things that I feel are vital when going through this season because it's so easy to feel like you are alone and that nobody really understands what you are going through (which still happens even when you share because really NO ONE can understand what you are going through unless they have traveled this road themselves).

Eventually after our first loss everyone learned of our story.  It was something that we felt comfortable bringing up and talking about, not something that we wanted to hide and ignore...it's forever a part of our life and something that is a key piece to our story.  I feel like not sharing it would be hiding something that is such a core piece of me right now...to me, it would be like living a fake lifestyle and that's just not me.

Then we got pregnant with James and were faced with the decision of whether or not to tell people.  Lloyd and I approached this decision very differently this time.  After having gone through a loss and knowing what that feels like (especially understanding how much we needed the support from those close to us), we decided that we wanted to tell most of our family and very close friends.  I even ended up telling some people at work (my manager and a few close friends), as did Lloyd.  My philosophy was that it was very important to have all the support and as many people as possible praying for our little baby!  And, if we did experience another loss, I knew that I would need that support again.

After this last loss and as we continue our journey to start our family, my feelings and viewpoint are slightly different and we will do things a little differently the next time around.  I recognize that I will need the support when pregnant again, especially on the hard days when I'm feeling anxious and fearful of another miscarriage. 

But, with this most recent loss I have really come to realize the people that are able to support me best and the people that I tend to lean on the most.  It's not that others do not have good intentions, it's simply that some people (even with the best of intentions) really do not know how to deal with pregnancy loss and cannot fathom all the realities that surround this journey.  It's for that reason that we will tell those people that I lean on on a daily basis and that I will likely turn to in the hard days and then slowly let the rest of the world in on our little secret once we see the heartbeat and feel more confident about the viability of our pregnancy.

This is our story and has been our journey.  I realize that many others traveling the same road struggle with these decisions as well.  Some believe that it's much easier to keep the entire journey as a secret until after the first trimester.  Others tell the entire world as soon as they see that second pink line.  And then there are some that selectively choose who to tell (like us). 

I also want to add that there is an entire community online of people struggling just like you and me.  I have been very fortunate to find a group of ladies that I truly consider my friends!  They have been here for me, listened to me, encouraged me, and picked me up every time I fell during this journey.  They are women who have struggled to get pregnant, some who have had a loss, and others who have had many losses and have traveled the road of seeking answers.  There is so much to be said about having a support system where you can go to vent and journey with a group of people who truly "get" what you are going through.

Also, finding a therapist/counselor is something that I highly encourage as well.  It's so important to understand that there is a grief process and to allow yourself to "feel" the emotions that you are experiencing instead of pushing them aside and ignoring them (infertility and miscarriage isn't something that is talked about or accepted in our society, even though it's very common).  Suffering through infertility and miscarriages often leads to many emotions that are overwhelming and many suffer with additional things like depression, anxiety, and feeling alone.  These are very common aspects but they can also be dealt with in a healthy environment.  It's not something that you just have to live with...there are better days ahead when these emotions are dealt with and the work is done diligently!

My best advice is to find the system that works for you and your partner!  You are not obligated to share this information with anyone if you choose not to...but sharing, with the right people, does make traveling this journey a little bit easier!  I am forever grateful for the people in my life that have been here for me every step of the way...I truly do not know how I could have gotten through this past year without each and every individual.