In fact, the past two weeks since finding out we are pregnant again I have been a wide range of constantly changing emotions. Overall, I'm excited, thankful, and feeling completely blessed and full of joy. But, as someone who has been here twice before and lost two babies I also have feelings of anxiousness, nervousness, and sadness.
I have been counting down the days and hours to this appointment since it was scheduled two weeks ago. For the most part it has been easy but in the past few days, as we are getting closer and closer, it has gotten harder and harder. I am hopeful and scared all at the same time because I know from past experience that nothing is a given when going to these appointments.
And, because we are only 6 weeks on the dot today, the chances of us seeing more than a blob (sac) are not likely. We will hopefully walk out of our appointment today with the reassurance that everything is just as it should be but the chances of seeing that beautiful heartbeat are not likely. Most likely we will have to wait another 8 days for that precious moment.
Mostly, today I am excited! I cannot wait to have our first ultrasound and see our little baby for the very first time! These are moments I have learned not to take for granted and I plan to cherish each and every one of these appointments. I am so thankful that we are getting an early ultrasound and that our doctors are taking really good care of us early on.
Speaking of emotions...this past weekend at church was the launch of a new series called "Great Than". God is greater than_____.
This week's message was titled "God is Greater Than My Hurts". As we walked into the service we were handed a blank white piece of paper, just a couple inches (kind of like a little book mark). At the end of the service our pastor had us write our greatest hurt. Mine of course is the loss of our two precious babies. On the other side we were instructed to write how we want God to work through this hurt. My prayer request was to be able to enjoy pregnancy, to be full of peace and joy and free from fear and doubts. As I wrote this down on paper, it was such a freeing moment (and one with many tears...I'm blaming pregnancy hormones this time!)!
I know that God is right here with me and He's constantly reminding me that He is good, He is faithful, He loves me, and He's got this...I just need to trust Him 100%. He wants me to enjoy this baby and this pregnancy and He wants to carry my burdens of fear and doubt.
So, every time I have that horrible voice in my head voicing it's stance on fear of losing this pregnancy, I immediately respond to the voice and say, "Not this time. This time is different and this baby is here to stay. God's got this". It's because of this voice that I spend a lot of time in prayer with God. In my worst of moments, I am conscious that I need to bring my heart and my thoughts to God, giving this baby over to Him completely and trusting in Him. It's in those moments that I truly do feel peace!
Our God is truly amazing! It really does only take bringing our fears, worries, doubts, anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments to Him with a heart filled with thankfulness and gratitude. It's amazing what He does in those quiet, precious moments!
Today, as I was reading my devotionals I was reminded of a great verse found in Matthew 19.
Oh, and today is a very historical Boston Marathon! It's a race that I thought I would be running almost 2 years ago and it's a race that is very much on my mind today! Praying for all the runners out there...Boston Strong! Have fun and soak up every stride you take! I have truly enjoyed watching this race come together in this past year since the horrific attacks in 2013. God bless each and every runner, spectator, and volunteer out there today!
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