Happy Birthday James!

On October 21, 2013, Lloyd and I found out we were pregnant again!  It seemed like such a miracle and we were so confident that this was our take home baby.  We had a faith and hope like I've never seen before in both of us.  Even as the test results, spotting, and every other red flag imaginable was pointing to another loss we held on to hope. 

We saw the precious heartbeat on November 11th after 6 days of spotting.  The doctor said that it was "unexplained", that we had a strong heartbeat, and our chances of another loss was significantly reduced.  We left the appointment with instructions to continue on with life as normal (I was even allowed to run) with our only limitation being no sex since it could cause more spotting which would increase my anxiety and worry (but was reassured that having sex would not "cause" a miscarriage...it was all for my emotional protection). 

The very next day I went to the bathroom where I had a significant amount of red blood and a good size clot.  I emailed and called my doctor immediately.  There was nothing that could be done- we had to wait two more days for our regularly scheduled appointment.

It was a long two days.  I stayed home from work and put myself on bed rest trying my best to do everything I could to keep our little baby.  We woke up on Thursday, November 14th, anxiously anticipating our appointment.  We had hope and believed we would see our baby's little heart beating just as we had three days before.

My doctor came in, started to ask questions and then realized that we should just do the ultrasound first.  She measured the baby and I saw a EDD of 7/4/2014...a fireworks baby! 

But, immediately I knew something was wrong.  There was no heartbeat.  We had clearly seen it three days earlier and yet it wasn't visible now.  We knew it was over and we knew the next steps (go to the hospital for a confirmation ultrasound, decide how to miscarry, etc). 

This time was different though.  The doctors discussed that it was time to investigate why I had two losses, especially after both babies had a heartbeat.  This wasn't exactly "common" (we later found out that we fell in the less than 1% category).

I ended up miscarrying naturally two days later.  It was one of the most emotionally and physically painful days of my life.  Just typing this out brings back so many emotions of just how hard that day was.  I lost a ton of blood...that doesn't even do justice to what really happened.  The contractions were miserable, just like labor except with no happy outcome.  The experience was so bad that we should have gone to the hospital but I just wanted it to be over (and wasn't thinking clearly).  About 36 hours after the process started I passed the baby.  A few days later Lloyd and I buried it in our backyard.

A few weeks later we started the testing process.  The results came back as unexplained and that was a really hard pill to swallow.  I wanted answers, a fix, a guarantee that we wouldn't have any more losses.  But, we didn't and we were forced to try once more before seeking additional options.

So we did.  The only thing that changed was taking baby aspirin daily and progesterone shots (I did suppositories last time).  It worked!  Today is bittersweet...today is the day we dreamed of meeting our precious James but instead we are so thankful to be pregnant with our little peanut!  It's truly a blessing and I believe with all my heart that this is God's ultimate and perfect plan!

So, today we celebrate our precious James with fireworks and remember all the ways that his short time with us changed us and made us better parents and individuals.  His life had a huge purpose and he is greatly missed. 

Although I'm pregnant with my miracle baby, I still think of my two angel babies every single day.  I sometimes wonder if this will ever change and part of me knows that it won't.  But I do know that it won't always be as hard as this past year or so has been.  Grief is a journey and it's ever-changing...some losses you never get over completely.  I believe this to be true with pregnancy loss...it's a type of loss that forever changes you because of the love and dreams you had for your baby.  It starts out extremely difficult but as the seasons change you learn to cope with it and celebrate the hard days.

Happy Birthday James!  Your daddy and I love you so much and are so thankful for the short time we had with you!  We think of you always and know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and we will see you someday in heaven!  Tonight we will feel your presence and smile as the sky shimmers with beauty!