Another "Not Yet"...

Yep, that's right.  Yesterday morning I was awakened by AF-like cramps and just knew that I would not need to test again...another cycle over and another "Not Yet" answer from God.

I have to be honest and say that it really hit me harder than I thought.  My initial reactions were those of anger, frustration, and disappointment.  The anger stemmed from the fact that our "Not Yet" answer simply means that I have to do my commute for at least one month longer than if we had gotten pregnant (something that I really cannot wait to be over with, but that's another post for another day!). 

The frustration was mostly due to the fact that our one year anniversary of our loss is coming up on Wednesday and we are not any closer to having our baby.  This anniversary is already hard and I have had my moments of being more emotional lately (although the hope of getting good news during the 2WW was a nice distraction these past couple of days!).

And, the disappointment is just a natural emotional response when finding out that we didn't get what we so wanted and prayed for.  Yes, it's frustrating and disappointing but at least I find comfort in believing that we will be pregnant again (and probably soon, it's just a matter of time!).  In addition, I find comfort in knowing that we did everything we could to get pregnant and we had a blast trying!  For me, it's so important to keep my focus on our marriage first and still enjoy the beautiful gift God has given us with sexual intimacy...if we were only having sex to procreate it would definitely make this journey that much more difficult and frustrating on the days when God gives us another "Not Yet". 

I had my moments yesterday and even started down the path of throwing myself a pity party for one.  Luckily, I recognized what I was doing and did not want to put both Lloyd and myself in this situation and ruin our weekend together. 

I was blessed to come across this devotional in Laura Story, Blessings (Chapter 5, "When Faith Disappears"):

 

"Have you become so discouraged by life's hardships that you felt your faith in God slipping away?  If so, you are not alone.  Every life- including yours- is a series of celebrations and disappointments, joys and sorrows, successes and failures, hopes and doubts.  Even the most faithful men and women may be overcome by bouts of fear and doubt, and so, perhaps, will you.

 

Doubts come in several flavors:  Doubts about God, doubts about the future, and doubts about your own abilities, for starters.  So what does the Bibles say about your response to these kinds of doubts?  The Bible makes it clear that no problem in this world is too big for God, not even the problems that result from the emotional burdens of fear and doubt.

 

The instructions of Psalm 55:22 are clear: 'Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved'.  Will you cast your burdens on the Lord?  Will you take your doubts to Him?  Your fears?  Your sorrows?  Your setback and regrets?  Will you take these things to Him- and leave them there- today?

 

 

Here are some quotes from this same devotional that really spoke to me, especially in light of receiving our answer yesterday and some of the fears and doubts that start to creep in in those initial moments:

 

 

Struggling with God over the issues of life doesn't show a lack of faith- that is faith.

-Lee Strobel

 

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith, but they are afflictions, not sins.  Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

-C.S. Lewis

 

There is a difference between doubt and unbelief.  Doubt is a matter of mind: we cannot understand what God is doing or why He is doing it.  Unbelief is a matter of will: we refuse to believe God's Word and obey what He tells us to do.

-Warren Wiersbe

 

God is the only one who can make the valley of trouble a door of hope.

-Catherine Marshall



This devotional was perfect and it's timing could not have been better!  It was exactly what I needed to read to get my heart and mind in the proper place of moving forward, being hopeful, and having that peace that surpasses all understanding...it really does erase all the fears and doubts and is so calming in the midst of even the greatest storms!

So, after allowing myself moments of sadness, I made the conscious decision to enjoy the present moments.  Lloyd and I have been working on a project of re-staining our master bathroom cabinets so a good portion of yesterday morning was making progress on that.  We also enjoyed a nice walk together in the morning.  Aftwards, I spent some time in our yard trying to get our strawberry hill cleaned up and then decided to take a little nap before getting ready for our date night!  We ended up having a very fun and productive day together...it was a perfect balance of busy and relaxation and was exactly what I needed!

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