The Finale of "Firsts"

One year ago today I went to my 10.5 week prenatal checkup and my life was forever changed in a single moment.  In that moment I learned that our baby's heart had stopped beating.  I was beyond devastated, in shock, sad, angry, confused, and did not know what to do.

After the confirmation ultrasound I had to call Lloyd and tell him the horrible news.  I had to go back to my doctor and figure out what to do next.  I had to make a decision on whether to let my body miscarry naturally (my body had not started this process and it was unknown how long that could take), take medication to induce the miscarriage, or schedule a D&C.

Lloyd came home to be with me and I just remember thinking that I did not know how I was going to survive this.  I felt so sad, lost, empty, and helpless.  In those initial moments, I didn't know how I could ever have sex again and risk getting pregnant.  The fears were so strong and prevalent in those moments.

As we sat on our front porch, Lloyd reminded me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, where I sarcastically responded, "Well, I think God is over-estimating me on this one".

But, it's true.  As hard as that day was and as hard as this past year has been, there have been so many blessings through this valley.  God has been here EVERY step of the way with me and He continues to ask me the question, "Will you trust me?".  In fact, here is the devotional that I was blessed with that evening and it has continued to stay with me throughout this year (from Jesus Calling, March 12):

WAITING, TRUSTING, AND HOPING are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain.  Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most.  Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strenthen the chain that connects you to Me.  Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me.  If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow.  Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven.  However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present.

 

Beacuse you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting.  You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust.  Keep your "antennae" out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence.

God has taken me on a journey this past year.  It's been a journey that is very unique and personal, it was specifically detailed for me to bring about some changes that God knew I needed.  Through this journey, God took the loss of our precious baby as an event in my life that would cause such sadness and grief that my only option was to be on my knees and pray.

It's through this time in prayer and quiet time with God, reading His Word, and understanding His promises, that I have grown so much spiritually this year.  I thought I had a strong faith before all of this...but now it's just different.  My relationship with God is a huge priority and I look forward to my quiet time with Him.  I love praying and feeling His presence.  I love knowing that He's here, He's good, He's faithful, and His peace does surpass all understanding.

 (Never Once by Matt Redman)

Not only did I grow spiritually but I also grew as an individual.  I truly believe this specific journey has been years in the making.  You see, when Lloyd and I met, I really did not know about this whole having kids thing.  In fact, when eHarmony asked me about kids, the options were "yes, no, or maybe".  I picked "maybe".  Lloyd was a little confused and asked what that meant (on our first date).  I let him know that I did not have a firm desire to have kids, that I could take it or leave it based on whatever my future husband wanted.  I liked my career at the time but knew that if I had kids I would want to be able to be there for them.

Well,  Lloyd wanted kids (and I discovered that I did as well!) and as we dated, got engaged, got married, and then made the decision to start our family, we talked about how that looked for us.  He was really encouraging of me to be a stay at home mom.  This sounded great in theory but it was a huge struggle for me.  Although I knew it was what was best for our kids, I did not know if I could really give up my career, getting out of the house, having adult interaction, etc to be a full-time stay at home mom.  I just wasn't there yet.

Then I got pregnant with Joy.  We knew that I was going to stay at home so we bought a house...a house that is 50 miles from my work (with the worst Southern California traffic).  Oh well, it's temporary...I'm going to be a stay at home mom.  Well, up to the very last second with our first pregnancy, I really struggled with this decision.  That morning, as my mom and I waited to see the doctor, I was discussing how she could babysit one or two days per week so I could consult or work part time. 

It really took me losing our baby for God to truly change my heart.  In that single moment where my life was forever changed, I realized just how un-important work was and just how important it was to me to be a mom!  Today, as I drive to work every day, I pray for the day when I get to say goodbye to this chapter and be at home with our baby(ies)!

As I look back, I can see God's hand all over my life, especially in this season.  As someone who once viewed kids as a "take it or leave it option" and who now cannot imagine a life without kids and being a mom, I can see all the pieces of the puzzle coming together.  And, this is just one of so many examples...words cannot describe how life-changing and transforming this journey has been!

Not only did he change me spiritually and individually, but through this journey He has truly brought Lloyd and I closer.  We have always had a great marriage (I am so, so incredibly blessed!) but I feel that through this season of starting our family-through all the heartache, tears, fears, joys, and struggles- we have leaned into each other and were here for each other every step of the way.  Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, this journey has created a vulnerability and intimacy that is so beautiful and amazing!  We are both forever changed and so is our marriage!

This past year was a year of firsts:  first loss of a baby we loved, first post-miscarriage period, first Mother's Day, first birthdays, first due date, first holidays without kids (after our losses), and now the first anniversary of that day.  I feel like we have come full circle and we can finally completely move forward knowing that these events will come again but we now know what to expect.

God does work all things for our good and His good, He is faithful, and His grace is enough!  He has forever changed me and I hope that through our journey and sharing our story that He will use it to help others as well (and I know that He's doing just that...I get the blessing of seeing it on a daily basis!).  I am so grateful that, although today is one of the harder days, I can look back on that day and see just how far I've come.  God has taken me from a place of so much doubt and fear and replaced it with abundant trust, peace, and hope!

Check out this video I found last week...it's a beautiful video on the struggles we all face when traveling the path of infertility.  I absolutely love it and hope that it can bring awareness to the significance of the struggles we all face while on this path.  I hope that others who are ignorant will find a new sense of understanding and be able to support their loved ones during these hard times.  But most importantly, I pray that this video will let every woman and couple dealing with infertility know that they are not alone.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html