Fall Apart

I heard this song just as I was arriving at work this morning and felt that it really resonated with my journey and where I'm at right now.

 

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when--
You will find me when--
I fall apart

 

God is using this trial and season to bring me closer to Him.  From Day 1, He has reached out His loving hand and asked for a relationship with Him.  He has constantly called me to trust in Him and to give Him all my heartache, pain, fears, worries, and doubts.  He has been here every step of the way and has collected every tear I have cried.

 

I don't know what tomorrow brings for us and the family we desire to have...I don't have the answers to when we will be pregnant again, if we will go through more losses, if we will ever have our kids, if we will ever be parents.  Only God knows the answers to all of these questions.  But, I have so much hope that we will one day be parents- I truly believe that with all my heart!  For now, today, God is calling me to rest in His presence and to trust in His ultimate timing. 

 

I do believe that this season was hand-picked to be one of growth, to bring me closer to God, and truly depend on Him to meet my needs.  Although I believed in God prior to this journey and had what I considered a strong faith, God has revealed through the testing of my faith that it really wasn't all that strong.  He has used these trials to continually test me and see if I will falter in my faith when these heart-wrenching obstacles come my way.  From Day 1, there has been a constant decision to make, "Will I trust God or will I try to take control and do things my way?"

 

God has forever changed me through this season and it's because of these changes that I feel blessed and my heart is full of gratitude.  This doesn't take away from the fact that this has been the darkest season of my life (because it has been) or the fact that I pray every single day for Him to remove me from these trials and to bless us with pregnancy and a healthy baby.  It just means that through the storm I am choosing to rejoice in all the good that God is doing and choosing to focus on my hope that I have in Him.  I am clinging to a life that can only be found when we place our life and hope in God...a loving Father who wants to answer all our prayers and make all of our dreams come true!  This very well could be the best thing that has happened to me!