Reflections on 2013

The last day of 2013 has finally arrived!  I have been anxiously awaiting this day and the end of 2013 for quite some time.  I am so ready for a new year, new beginnings, and full of hope for many good things to come in 2014.

But, as I was praying this morning, tears rolled down my cheeks.  This year was by far the HARDEST year of my life.  Looking back on where I was at the beginning of this year and all that we went through these past 12 months was overwhelming, to say the least.

On January 1, 2013 we were in our 7th cycle of trying to get pregnant.  We were starting to wonder if we would ever get pregnant and taking steps in the direction of seeking answers to these concerns.  We were praying really hard for an answer on whether or not to buy a house and if so where.  And, I was still struggling with the decision to be a full time stay-at-home-mom if and when we did get pregnant and have our baby.

We knew that if I was going to stay home (which I was definitely not going to be working full time) that we needed to buy a home in a lower cost of living area.  At the beginning of 2013, home prices were really low and interest rates were at a historical low.  We wanted to buy but we were conflicted with "where" to buy.  If we moved to our ideal "kid-raising" city, it meant a long commute for me.  We could move a little further away from our then current home (but still close to my work) but was that where we wanted to be long term?  So we prayed and I felt that God would give us our answer either through a pregnancy or by not being pregnant.

I went to my new doctor for a routine physical at the beginning of January and discussed my concerns about why we weren't pregnant (I was ovulating, regular cycles, great timing each and every month, etc).  She said that it was normal and to continue trying for a few more months.  If we weren't pregnant, she would refer me to the infertility specialist.

Well, we found out we were pregnant on January 29, 2013!  It was by far the best day of my life!  We were both thrilled and excited for this new adventure into parenthood.  And, we had our answer and started looking at homes.

We found the perfect home on our first visit and decided that we wanted to make an offer.  We thought it was a little premature (my husband needed to consider job opportunities closer to this new city and I wanted to make sure our pregnancy was viable).  But, it really was the perfect home so we went for it! 

The offer was accepted and we started the whole process of home inspections, loan documents, insurance calls, etc.  And then, midway through escrow, we found out we lost the baby (March 12th).  What do we do now?  Do we continue on the journey of buying this home?

Yes!  We were (and still are) confident that God wanted us to have our family and raise our kids in this home.  We would not have moved to this new city (and not bought our home) if we had not gotten pregnant but we are at peace knowing that our home is absolutely perfect for our someday expanding family.

Fast forward a couple months, in early June specifically...my husband and I were spending the weekend at our new home (we had not moved yet due to my commute) and finishing up some chores before starting dinner.  I went to pick some fresh strawberries from our garden and came back to let Lloyd know that I was going to start cooking dinner. 

He was limping towards me and I asked if he was okay.  His response was, "I think I fell off the roof".  I was terrified, not knowing what to do.  I examined him and everything looked fine, at first.  Then I saw blood coming from the back of his head.  I started to panic and knew that we needed to get him to the hospital fast.  He refused to call 911 (I will not listen next time) so I called my cousin, who is an EMT/Firefighter locally, and he gave me the directions to the hospital and instructions on what to do if he started vomiting, etc.

We got in the car and it was the scariest 20 minutes of my life.  I honestly did not know if Lloyd was going to live.  He was saying things like "I don't know where I work" and "where are we going and why" (multiple times).  I prayed and repeatedly told Lloyd to hang on and stay awake.

I finally found the hospital and they admitted him to ICU a few hours later, telling us that he had a closed head fracture with bleeding between his brain and skull.  We later found out that he had two fractured discs in his back as well. 

We spent the next 4 nights at the hospital (3 in ICU).  When he was finally discharged, he had a work order that took him off work (at a brand new job...he had worked all of 4 days) for an entire month.  On top of that, he had to have someone home at all times so that meant that I needed to work from home during that time.  Oh, and of course trying to get pregnant was indefinitely off the table at this time.

At his follow-up appointment 4 weeks later the doctor wanted him to stay off another 1-2 months.  Lloyd pushed to go back because he knew that he would not have a job if he didn't.  The doctor conceded but put him on a "no driving" limitation.  He was allowed to have sex again (with physical limitations) so that was a blessing that we could start trying again.

So, the next month (July) was a routine of me working from home in the early hours, driving Lloyd to work (45 minutes), driving myself to work (1 hour), and working 6 hours before beginning the journey home (2 hours).  Lloyd was thankfully released to drive at the beginning of August and our new "normal" began.

We were well aware that 2013 was not "our year" but we truly felt that not much worse could really happen at this point. 

We continued on the journey of grieving/healing while trying to get pregnant.  The past 5 months had been hard but things were starting to finally look more positive and we were excited to get pregnant.  I no longer had the concerns and fears about quitting my job to stay-at-home.  Honestly, I would give everything to have that opportunity.  God had definitely worked in my heart during this season!

We were successful on cycle 7 (again) and found out we were pregnant with our second baby on October 21, 2013.  We were so excited and full of hope that this was our take-home baby.  We prayed and were so thankful.  We did all that we could to keep the stress down and stay confident that we were going to finally be parents.  We maintained this hope even during the moments when it got really tough and things were not looking good.  We remained hopeful all the way to the end when we found out that we had lost our baby again.

We were now asking new questions and wanting answers as to "why".  We got a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and started the testing process (we also had chromosome testing done the day of our loss through our OB's office).  So far the test results are coming back as "unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss".  We will get the official results this Friday.

Even though this diagnosis means that statistically we have a 60-70% chance of our third pregnancy being successful (which isn't high enough for either one of us and makes us question whether or not to try again), we are so full of hope moving forward.  Our faith is strong and we trust and believe that, with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! 

As we close out 2013 my thoughts are "what a life-changing" year this has been.  It's been hard but I've also experienced growth in all areas of my life because of these hard times.  My faith is rock solid, our marriage is thriving more than ever, and we are encouraged as we move forward into 2014 and a year of new beginnings.

I would have never imagined 2013 to be the year that it was (it was so much different than what I envisioned on January 1, 2013).  I would not choose to go through this all over again but I also would not change the lessons I've learned along the way.  I am much closer to the woman that God created me to be because of this year!

Through the hard times, there were so many blessings (and this was a year full of many more blessings that heartache).  We were blessed to experience pregnancy twice, to see our babies heartbeats both times, our marriage is thriving and we are closer than ever, we bought our first home together, Lloyd is 100% healthy after his fall off our roof, we had a wonderful 2.5 week vacation before Lloyd started his new job, Lloyd found an awesome job and he is really happy there (this is huge!), we continue to meet our goals, we have amazing new neighbors, we have found a church home and many friends that are walking this journey with us, the test results show that there isn't any reason why we cannot have a successful pregnancy, and we just spent the most refreshing 5 days off together during Christmas.  God is so good!!!

Wishing everyone the best in this upcoming year!  Praying for all of our dreams to come true and for God's peace as we wait on His perfect timing!