One Year Ago Today

Exactly one year ago today was the happiest day of my life!  This was the day that completely changed my life, although in different ways than I had envisioned at the time.  It was this day that I went home on my lunch hour, took a pregnancy test, and saw that beautiful, most precious second pink line!  I was in shock, thrilled, crying tears of happiness, and thanking God for this wonderful blessing! 

I couldn't wait to share the news with Lloyd so I called him immediately, leaving a message for him to call me back.  While waiting for his phone call, I called my best friend and shared the news with her as well (I was going over to her house that afternoon and she was the reason I tested...if I hadn't, she would have "talked me into" taking a test while at her house and I wanted to be able to share this moment privately and with Lloyd first).  She was about 10 weeks pregnant at the time and we were both just thrilled that we would be going through pregnancy together.

Lloyd quickly called back and was fearing that I would tell him the bad news that my period had finally arrived.  I said, "Nope, you are going to be a daddy!".  He was going through the same emotions as me...elated, shocked, thrilled, and a little bit of disbelief! 

It was such a glorious day...just the thought of it brings back so much joy to my heart! 

As I was driving to work this morning and praying, I thanked God for the blessing of being able to experience that moment and for the gift that was our precious daughter!  She truly was the most perfect blessing in our life!  It was her presence in our life that started this life-changing journey.  In just a short 6.5 weeks, she started a journey that has led to some changes in me that I am forever thankful for.  It's because of her (and God, of course) that I am who I am today.

But, this day is also very bittersweet and it has been difficult leading up to today.  A year ago we were pregnant...today, we are not.  In some ways it feels like we actually took a step backwards instead of forward as far as coming closer to our dreams of having our family.

As difficult as this thought is, I cannot help but be thankful for all the ways God has blessed me through this journey.  He has not only forever changed me as an individual but He has guided me in the creation of this blog (which is only the beginning of what I know He has planned for this ministry He's calling me to).  It's through this journey that I have been privileged to touch the lives of others, whether it's people that I know in real life or friends that God has placed in my life through internet forums. 

I have been blessed to see small, yet significant, blessings in these peoples' lives through the sharing of our story and my journey.  These are the little miracles that make me remember that this is all of God's plan...this journey is not only about me.  Most importantly, it's about God! 

The One Year Book of Hope devotional the past couple days has been very affirming.  Yesterday there was a part that said that "God cannot use someone significantly until that person has been deeply hurt".  For me, I see the truth in that.  Before this journey there was no evidence in my life that could point back to God.  Yes, there was suffering but not too significant to cause me to really test my faith, bring me closer and more dependent on God, and definitely not something that would cause someone else to think "wow, what does she have...I want that!".

Today's devotional was out of 2 Corinthians 12.  I absolutely love this and have relied on this passage many times these past few months.  It's in my weakness that Christ is strong...His grace is sufficient no matter what the circumstances!

Yes, today is bittersweet...but today, I am making the decision to focus on the sweetness that is in my life!  I am truly blessed to be on this road, getting the opportunity to help others along the way!  This is God's ultimate purpose in our life- to serve others! 

I am also forever grateful for my amazing husband!  I knew when we got married that he was the man for me!  Marrying him was by far the best decision I've ever made!  And, it's through this journey that we are forever changed as husband and wife and parents...I could not have picked a better man to walk side by side through this life!

I love you Joy!  Thank you for blessing my life in so many ways...more than I even understand today! 

The Abundant Life

A "rut" is the perfect word to describe my current state of existence.  For the past few months, more so after our most recent loss, I have been in a rut.  And, as hard as I try, it seems like I am in this constant state of taking 3 steps forward only to take 3 steps backwards.

Just last week I heard a sermon from one of our old pastors and it really spoke to me (and was very convicting).  I feel like I can really relate to this pastor right now as we have both traveled a similar road lately.  It was a year ago that he confided in the congregation that him and his wife had suffered two miscarriages the previous year.  Well, it's been exactly one year since the announcement and request for prayers and they just recently (7-8 weeks ago) welcomed their baby boy into this world!  It truly is a beautiful story, filled with God's many blessings, and it has been amazing watching it all unfold and see God's beauty along the way!

In the message, he starts out in John 10:10 where Jesus calls us to live the abundant life.  I can honestly say that "abundant" is not a word that I can use to describe my life as of late.  Yes, it's filled with so many blessings and I am truly grateful for all that God is doing in my life...but I presently am not living up to Jesus' ideal of the "abundant life".

Here's the part of the message that really "spoke to me" and was convicting on many levels.  I'm lacking the abundant life because I am so focused on this ONE thing that I truly believe will give me the abundant life.  If God said to me, "I will grant you one wish...what would you like?" my response this past year would be (hands down) "a healthy pregnancy and baby".  And while that's a relevant request, it shouldn't be the ONE thing at the top of my list that I should be asking for.

Reality is that God just might grant us this one wish someday (or He might not and we will trust that His plans are far greater than ours).  But having a healthy baby will not translate into living the abundant life that Jesus calls us to.  Yes, it will bring so many blessings and fill our hearts in more ways than we can ever imagine, but it's not the answer to truly living the abundant life.

We live the abundant life when we have the Holy Spirit within us and we are aware of God's presence and power in our life, in everything that we do.  We live this abundant life when we realize just how weak we are and that God is in control.  We live abundantly when we give up on these "pursuits" that we believe will lead to our happiness but are in reality just a little band-aid for the time being.  Finally, we live the abundant life when we "give up and let go" and let God take over from here. 

As much progress as I have made throughout this journey in many of these areas, I still have not completely "arrived" at full, 100% submission and "letting go".  Yes, I have more peace, trust, and faith than when I started but God is still constantly calling me to a higher standard than my current state.

This message was absolutely perfect and I highly recommend it to anyone who is "stuck in a rut".  It's a message that is convicting but also so full of hope.  For me, it's a reminder that I need to live in the present, seeking God in every single moment of my life, being aware of His presence...but most importantly, it's a reminder that I need His power to overcome my present circumstances- I cannot do this without Him!

In Luke 11:5-10, Jesus says to "ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open".  This isn't just a one time thing...like, "I've asked once and God said 'no' so I guess it's just time to move on to something else".  No, it's not like that at all.  In fact, it's a call for repeated action...keep asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking.  God's first answer is not always His final answer!  Keep on asking and just maybe that door might open, in God's perfect timing!


The big piece of this message for me, and what lies heavy on my heart, is that I need to keep on asking for God to answer our prayer for a healthy baby...but while doing so, to continue seeking His presence, accepting His peace and His timing, and relying on His power through the Holy Spirit.  I truly believe and am fully confident that God can and will grant this request if it's what He has planned for our life.  It will happen but only in His timing...it's time to realize just how weak I am, how powerful He is, and let go and let God take over!

The sermon can be found at www.friendschurchyl.com/media (January 5, 2014, Small Beginnings)

A Call to Wait

I have been reading Hannah's Hope and last night was so blessed to find the poem, "Wait". 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', go-ahead and sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taught
and grumbling to God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of the infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer is still, "WAIT."

 

It's absolutely perfect!  So many times I have cried out just wanting to know the answers.  When will we be pregnant?  Will we have another loss?  How many more losses will we have to suffer?  Will we ever be parents?  Are you calling us to another path, either through adoption or something else?  God, what is your plan in all of this?

 

If only God would show me the forecast of all that is ahead and tell me "Yes, you will have a child someday, relax and be patient" it would be so much easier.  My suffering and anxiety would be much less intense and it would be easier going about daily life.

 

But, it's through this suffering that my faith has been tested and my relationship and understanding of who God really is has been revealed.  I have said this many times throughout this blog that I truly believe that God allowed me to suffer our losses so that it would strengthen my faith and trust in Him and that it would forever change me in so many ways (as a follower of Christ, woman, wife, and mother). 

 

I honestly believe that there was no other path that could have brought about these changes in me.  It's through the devastation of our losses that I was humbly brought to my knees.  It's in this place that I was able to wholly understand God's grace, strength, love, peace, and compassion.  It's been in this place that I have been able to let go (not as a one time decision but a decision that is required daily) and trust in God's plan, knowing that His ways are much better than mine. 

 

There has never been a time or a season in my life where I have had to depend on God more than I have this past year and a half and continue to today.  All of these blessings would never have entered my life and my story if God would have said "Yes" and answered my prayers immediately, or at least in the first few months of this journey.  It's through the suffering, waiting, and perseverance that I have seen so much of God's beauty.  Even today, He continues to shower me with blessings, slowly revealing all the great things He is doing in my life!

 

As hard as it is, it's time to WAIT and let God do what He's going to do!  He sees the big picture and reminds us that His plans are for our good...will you trust Him during these difficult seasons and trials in life?  I love the verse found in Psalm 27...be strong and take courage while you wait on the Lord!



Struggles in Grieving and Infertility

A year and a half ago we made the decision to start trying for our family of three.  Having gone through many unsuccessful cycles and two pregnancies that have resulted in losses, it's impossible not to notice how everyone deals with grief and infertility differently.

This has been a struggle for us since before our first pregnancy and it continues to be a struggle as we move forward, still grieving the loss of both babies, in trying again for a third time. 

Prior to ever getting pregnant, there was worry, fear, sadness, and disappointment as more cycles passed and we were not pregnant.  Like many of the struggles with infertility and grieving, I struggled with this reality much more than Lloyd.  From what I have read and seen in real-life, this is an all too common scenario.

Getting pregnant and having babies is a gift that God blessed woman with.  It's an innate part of every woman.  Motherhood is a dream that almost every woman dreams about at some point in her life.  For most, we find the love of our life, get married, and then start having children.  It's pretty much assumed that once you are married, kids are next and the question seems to come all too frequent from friends and family members the second you say "I Do".

On top of that, we live in a society that is always telling us how easy it is to get pregnant and have babies.  Although infertility and miscarriages are very common, most do not hear about how common it really is until you are in the midst of the journey. 

For me personally, I knew of one person in real life who had suffered a miscarriage and only a select few who had struggled with infertility.  It really was not something I was aware of or that I thought we would ever be dealing with.  I had the impression that once we went off birth control and started trying, things would happen rather fast...and according to "my plan".

So, what happens when "my plan" does not come to fruition?  What happens when months go by and there's still no pregnancy?  What happens when you suffer multiple losses and the true fear of whether or not you will ever be a mom starts to creep in to your mind?  What happens when you are still grieving and your spouse just wants some normalcy to life again (and so do you!)?  How do you work through these differences and walk this journey together?  How do you keep your marriage as first priority, especially with your sex life?

First, I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing husband who has truly been here for me in the best of times and the worst of times.  This journey has been both of those for us and I believe that we have lived up to our vows to the best of our ability.  This journey has been one that has strengthened our marriage, and us as individuals, because we have walked this path together, side by side, hand in hand.

Yes, we've had many moments where we do not understand each other.  We have had moments where we are frustrated and want to give up on this quest to start our family.  We have grieved our losses and disappointments much differently at times. 

But, ultimately, we keep leaning in to each other, sharing with each other what we are feeling and how the other person can help.  We have both made it known to each other that we are here for one another and that we will get through this together.  Most importantly, we have given each other the much needed grace that is required when we are not on the same page and grieving differently.

I firmly believe that the reason woman struggle with this so differently is because it's our body...a body God designed for pregnancy, childbirth, and nurturing our little ones.  When things don't work out, fear starts to creep in and we start wondering if we will ever have our dream of motherhood fulfilled.  For me, especially after this last loss, I have been struggling with grief, fear, and blaming my body (even though there is nothing I can do differently).

In addition, when struggling with infertility, trying to get pregnant, and losses, there are so many things that we, as women, just cannot escape...we take our temperature, monitor our cervical mucus, know when ovulation is and when our period is due, and we analyze ever symptom in hopes that "this is it".  And then, our period arrives (and who is joyous when this happens without infertility and loss struggles!?!?) and it's just a reminder of what is not, whether another failed cycle or worse...a reminder of our losses and that I am not pregnant. 

I would love to just let it go and "go with the flow" but, now after two losses, it is more important than ever to know as soon as possible when I am pregnant so I can start progesterone and all the tests that are to come in the upcoming pregnancy.  It's a daily part of my life for now that I have had to accept. 

We are officially on our third attempt and I can see how different things are this time around.  Last time I had this "need" to be pregnant again (especially in the early months following the loss of Joy) and was devastated each month when we were not.  It really took it's toll on both of us and I know that Lloyd fears this happening again.  I am so thankful that Lloyd recently lovingly confronted me with his feelings and that we were able to have a honest conversation on how we can travel this path together, with both of us having our needs met.  Although it was hard to hear at first, it came from a heart that really wants the best for me and us. 

This time around is different.  When my period came this last month, I was sad and disappointed...but I also felt a peace I had not felt in quite some time.  I know that God has this and it's in His timing...and that's really all that I want!  For now, I want to focus on us and our marriage, being intentional and enjoying this time that we have together without kids.  We are both committed to trying our best and letting God do the rest!

Here We Go Again...

Yep, that's right...my period started today so we are officially back to "trying again". 

I'm going to be really honest...we had an "oops" last month and we were hopeful (although realistic, too) that we could be pregnant.  Just the thought got me really excited (along with nervous and anxious) and let me know that I would much rather be pregnant again versus seeing my period and knowing that we have to start this journey all over again.

I had some spotting these past few days so I was cautiously hopeful.  The pre-menstrual cramps started yesterday on my drive home and I thought for sure that it would arrive by late evening.  Well, it didn't.  Even this morning my temperature was still high enough to have hope and there wasn't any bleeding yet.  I was excited and knew that today was the day of truth...am I pregnant or not!?!?

Then, just as we were getting ready to leave to run some errands, I went to the bathroom and knew the final answer...NOT YET.  I had a few moments of being sad, frustrated, angry, and disappointed. 

Lloyd knew immediately that it was over (after so many months of going through this he's really gotten good at picking up the signs!).  He came over and gave me a hug and reminded me that this is going to be a journey.  We have zero control over this and we really need to embrace this time that we have together!  There will be a day when we have our baby and we will look back and wish that we had cherished our time together without kids a little more.

Jesus Calling today fits this pretty perfectly:

TRUST ME by relinquishing control into My hands.  Let go, and recognize that I am God.  This is My world:  I made it and I control it.  Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love.  I search among My children for receptivity to Me.  Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart.  Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.

 

When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me.  Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart.  Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results.  When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way.  If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension.  When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive.  Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises.





Both Lloyd and I are really exhausted from the constant emotional roller coaster that comes with trying to get pregnant.  Each month we are not pregnant we get hopeful only to be disappointed.  It's a constant struggle of having so much faith and believing that God will allow this to happen again versus being realistic and enjoying the journey. 

 

What I've learned is that even the months where I just go with the flow and do my best to guard my heart against disappointment...those months are no less hard than the months that I get my hopes up.  I would much rather keep believing, being excited, and full of hope than to pretend like it's okay if it doesn't happen.  I have traveled both paths and they both lead to the same result...sad and disappointed but yet peaceful (and excited to try again) knowing that it wasn't God's perfect timing this month. 

 

This has not always been the case for me.  There were plenty of cycles early on, especially towards the latter cycles of trying for Joy and the early cycles of trying for James, where the exact opposite was true.  I was an emotional mess (before Joy this was stemmed from fear of not being able to get pregnant; before James, it was anger over the loss of Joy and not being pregnant again).  But, it has become easier to capture and cope with those emotions these past 6 months or so.  I truly believe it's one of the areas that God has worked in my heart to provide me with peace...as I lean on Him more and trust in His plan, the NOT YET answers become a little easier to bear.

 

As we start this journey again, I vow to be constantly intentional on giving all control over to God and praying for His will and not mine.  I know that this is going to be a journey that just might take a little longer than I would like...but it's guaranteed to be a journey filled with so many blessings and reasons to be thankful along the way.  I'm eager and full of anticipation to see just how God will use these upcoming days, weeks, and months to grow me and show me little glimpses of His glorious plan for my (our) life!

 



Jesus Calling- January 8, 2014

Today's Jesus Calling tugged on my heart as I was reading it this morning and felt the desire to share.

SOFTLY I ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE.  Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance.  Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you.  The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you.  Let your weakness be a door to My Presence.  Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help.

 

Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity.  Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven.  The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are ligthened.  Heaviness is not of My kingdom.  Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness.

 

I feel like this is exactly where I am in the present moment.  This year, 2014, is the year of HOPE for me!  It's the one word that truly resonates in my heart and that I'm clinging to with every step that I take.  The more I cling to HOPE, the less I feel the weight of my burdens. 

 

It's HOPE that is allowing me to move forward with starting the journey to try again.  It's HOPE that we will have a baby some day that makes every ounce of this suffering worthwhile.  It's HOPE that eases my fear and brings me peace when I need it.  And, it's HOPE that allows me to see the many blessings and rays of light through all of this darkness.

 

As I was driving to work this morning, I heard the song "Lord, I Need You".  It's such a beautiful song!

 



 

 

Lord, I need you

Oh, I need you

Every hour I need you

 

When I cannot stand

I'll fall on you

Jesus, you're my hope and stay

 

 

Hearing this song was a reminder of the path I have traveled and the road I am on.  It caused me to reflect on where I was just a year ago.  Yes, I had faith and I knew of God's goodness.  I trusted in His plans for my life.  But, if I'm honest, I was not depending on Him like I am today and oftentimes I was trying to do things my way.  I had all of these plans for my life and thought that things would just happen so smoothly.

 

God has used to journey to transform me in so many ways.  I am closer to Him, depending on Him, trusting in Him, and focused on His promises found in His word because of the trials He has allowed me to go through.  It's been a journey that, through the pain and suffering, there are been far more blessings!

 

I pray that 2014 is a year of HOPE for everyone!  I pray that this is the year that our hearts cling to the hope that can only be found through Jesus and that as you cling to this hope your burdens are lifted from your shoulders and you are lightened.  I pray that you lean on God and continue trusting in Him, having a heart filled with gratitude no matter what the circumstances are, knowing that His light shines through the darkness when we are clinging to hope!

 

A Daily Decision: Trusting in God's Plan

Yesterday, as I was reading the "But I Am Trusting" devotional from The One Year Book of Hope, I was moved to tears.  All the devotionals from this past week were exceptional but for some reason this one really hit home for me.

The following verse from the book of Psalm (31:10, 14-15) started off the devotional:

I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.  Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.  But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!"  My future is in your hands.

 

The author goes on to describe how she would never have chosen the journey she experienced with both of her children (she loss them both at 6 months old to a rare genetic disorder) but yet it was a journey filled with so much joy and blessings.

 

This is where my heart is at right now.  I would never choose to go through this.  It has been the hardest season of my life.  And yet, I also know that it has been the richest season of my life as well.  If someone would have said to me that I would walk this path and experience blessings and joy, I would have doubted them completely.  But I would have been proven wrong because that is exactly what this season has been about.  I would never choose this journey but now having walked through it (at least partially) I also would not take it back either.

 

The second part of the devotional is about making the decision to trust in God's plan because it is far greater than any plan we could ever imagine for ourselves.  This is a decision that is not made just once but a decision that must be made daily.  And, like the author, simply making this decision and committing to trusting God no matter what the circumstances may be, does not automatically eliminate the fear that is bound to be present.

 

As Lloyd and I continue to travel this journey, we will also have to continue (just as we have in the past) to give it ALL to God and trust in His perfect timing.  This is a decision that is often hard to make especially when there are no guarantees at the end of the day.  Making this decision does not erase the heartache, sadness, pain, doubt, and fears that we face on a daily basis but it makes it so much more bearable knowing that our God is Mighty, He is Faithful, and His love endures forever!

 

Just this morning, I was reading Jesus Calling and thought that it was a great reminder to add to this devotional on Trusting God:

 

 

I AM ABLE to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.  Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me.  Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark.  The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation.  Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention.  Keep your eyes and your ind wide open to all that I am doing in your life. 

How beautifully said!  God is able to do far more than we can ever imagine!  Come to Him with positive expectations, expecting to see the impossible happen! 

 

This journey has been all about submitting to God's will, being patient, persevering, and continuing to place my eyes on the Lord of my life, looking for His instruction and direction as we wait for His answers to our prayers.  I have found that the darker the valley, the more near God is to me.  He's constantly in communication and present when I need Him most.  I am eager with anticipation to see His plan be revealed day by day, moment by moment!

 

I pray that everyone going through difficulties and seasons of prayers yet unanswered, that you will be able to wait patiently on God, stand firm in His truth and promises, to know His goodness and faithfulness, and to feel His loving peace and presence throughout each and every day.  May God bless each and every one of you during this difficult time.  In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Official Test Results and Plan Moving Foward

I had my follow-up appointment last Friday and got the results that we were expecting- UNEXPLAINED RECURRENT PREGNANCY LOSS. 

Although I was anticipating these results, it was still an emotional moment once my doctor actually vocalized it.  Tears started welling up in my eyes and I truly had to fight back the emotions as we continued on to the conversation of "what to do now".  My doctor was amazing and took the time to make sure that I was okay before moving forward and she empathized with me in that the results are both good news and bad news.

So, what do we do now?  Well, first we start trying again and hope for a smooth pregnancy (and hopefully one that comes sooner rather than later).  My doctor is encouraged and believes that we will have a successful pregnancy that leads to a baby in our arms!  I was told that we can start immediately (so next cycle since I've already ovulated this month). 

I was also told to start taking a daily baby aspirin.  This will help prevent any possible clots forming when the placenta is developing.  An additional change in our protocol is that I will start supplementing with progesterone as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test (I did not do this with our first pregnancy and did not start this until about 20 DPO last pregnancy, or 4 days after getting a positive test).  This is also just a precautionary step and we do not believe that I have a progesterone issue (my luteal phase is well above the 10 days past ovulation cutoff, averaging 13 days) but it can only help, so here we are.

My doctor suggested the suppositories but I requested the shots.  I did the suppositories last time (and will start with them next time until the prescription is filled, as I have some in the refrigerator) and they were just a hassle and a mess.  We actually have a permanent stain on our couch from last time and I do not want to have to worry about that again.  Plus, the shots are better absorbed so it seems like the logical route to go!

 Finally, as we were concluding our appointment, my doctor really reassured me that I will be heavily monitored next time around.  I was instructed to call the minute I get a positive test.  I will be doing lots of blood work and tests from the very get go to make sure that we do all we can this next time around (not that there really is anything that can be done to "prevent" a miscarriage...it's going to happen if that's what is meant to be).

I left the appointment excited, confident, and full of hope!  I know that we are in good hands and feel comfortable with the changes and plan for moving forward!  I am also relieved to know that as the past couple weeks have passed, each day I find myself with the same excitement and anticipation as I had prior to our past two pregnancies...being pregnant again and being a mom is something that I desire so badly!  Now I just need to sit back, enjoy the journey, and wait patiently while God continues to do amazing things in our life!

Happy 2014- A Heart Filled With Hope

Happy New Year everyone!  I can honestly say that I have never been so excited to see one year end and another begin!  I'm feeling renewed...like it's a whole new beginning and I'm full of anticipation and excitement for all the potential this year has!

My heart is so full of hope.  I truly believe that great things are just around the corner and I cannot wait.  I am confident that when I reflect on 2014 at the end of the year we will be in a much different place than we are today.  Hopefully that includes either having a baby or being past the first trimester with our third pregnancy!

Either way, I know that this year is sure to be another life-changing year for us.  As we continue on this path to start our family, while seeking God with all our heart and soul, great things are sure to happen!

As 2013 was coming to an end, I began searching for a new devotional.  I saw The One Year Book of Hope and thought "this looks good".  I didn't read any further to learn the background or understand how this devotional would be great for me. 

The very next day, someone on one of the forums I frequent recommended this exact devotional and I just felt like it was God placing it in my heart.  So, I bought the devotional on January 1st and began reading the introduction.  I was amazed to learn that the author had suffered the loss of two children (live births where the babies had a rare genetic disorder that resulted in a life expectancy of only 6 months) after having a perfectly healthy son. 

After the loss of their daughter, her husband got a vasectomy so they would not have any more children.  Well, it didn't work and they unexpectedly got pregnant with their son 1.5 years after the loss of their daughter.  As I was reading her story I was shaking my head in disbelief...I absolutely cannot fathom the heartache her and her husband have suffered.

In reading the first two days of this devotional, I am truly excited for what I will discover in this upcoming year!  This devotional is absolutely perfect.  I just keep thinking "Why did I not know about this 9 months ago?".  I highly recommend this for anyone going through loss, pain, suffering, or whatever trials that lead you to feeling hopeless.

The verse for the first day was out of Psalm 119:28-30.  It really tugged on my heart because this is how I feel I have walked these past 9 months.  With a heart that is heavy with sorrow, I have walked seeking God's will for my life, trying to understand "why" and "what do I need to learn", growing closer to Him every step of the way, and determined to stay faithful to the end.

I weep with sorrow;
encourage me by your word.
Keep me from lying to myself;
give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.
I have chosen to be faithful;
I have determined to live by your regulations.

 

Praying that through the pain, grief, and uncertainty that we can stay focused on the truth found in God's word and stay faithful to Him!  Wishing everyone a God-filled 2014! 

 

The One Year Book of Hope can be found on Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/One-Year-Book-Hope-Books/dp/1414301332/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1388673940&sr=1-1&keywords=one+year+book+of+hope