I'm going to be really honest...we had an "oops" last month and we were hopeful (although realistic, too) that we could be pregnant. Just the thought got me really excited (along with nervous and anxious) and let me know that I would much rather be pregnant again versus seeing my period and knowing that we have to start this journey all over again.
I had some spotting these past few days so I was cautiously hopeful. The pre-menstrual cramps started yesterday on my drive home and I thought for sure that it would arrive by late evening. Well, it didn't. Even this morning my temperature was still high enough to have hope and there wasn't any bleeding yet. I was excited and knew that today was the day of truth...am I pregnant or not!?!?
Then, just as we were getting ready to leave to run some errands, I went to the bathroom and knew the final answer...NOT YET. I had a few moments of being sad, frustrated, angry, and disappointed.
Lloyd knew immediately that it was over (after so many months of going through this he's really gotten good at picking up the signs!). He came over and gave me a hug and reminded me that this is going to be a journey. We have zero control over this and we really need to embrace this time that we have together! There will be a day when we have our baby and we will look back and wish that we had cherished our time together without kids a little more.
Jesus Calling today fits this pretty perfectly:
TRUST ME by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is My world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises.
Both Lloyd and I are really exhausted from the constant emotional roller coaster that comes with trying to get pregnant. Each month we are not pregnant we get hopeful only to be disappointed. It's a constant struggle of having so much faith and believing that God will allow this to happen again versus being realistic and enjoying the journey.
What I've learned is that even the months where I just go with the flow and do my best to guard my heart against disappointment...those months are no less hard than the months that I get my hopes up. I would much rather keep believing, being excited, and full of hope than to pretend like it's okay if it doesn't happen. I have traveled both paths and they both lead to the same result...sad and disappointed but yet peaceful (and excited to try again) knowing that it wasn't God's perfect timing this month.
This has not always been the case for me. There were plenty of cycles early on, especially towards the latter cycles of trying for Joy and the early cycles of trying for James, where the exact opposite was true. I was an emotional mess (before Joy this was stemmed from fear of not being able to get pregnant; before James, it was anger over the loss of Joy and not being pregnant again). But, it has become easier to capture and cope with those emotions these past 6 months or so. I truly believe it's one of the areas that God has worked in my heart to provide me with peace...as I lean on Him more and trust in His plan, the NOT YET answers become a little easier to bear.
As we start this journey again, I vow to be constantly intentional on giving all control over to God and praying for His will and not mine. I know that this is going to be a journey that just might take a little longer than I would like...but it's guaranteed to be a journey filled with so many blessings and reasons to be thankful along the way. I'm eager and full of anticipation to see just how God will use these upcoming days, weeks, and months to grow me and show me little glimpses of His glorious plan for my (our) life!
No comments:
Post a Comment