Struggles in Grieving and Infertility

A year and a half ago we made the decision to start trying for our family of three.  Having gone through many unsuccessful cycles and two pregnancies that have resulted in losses, it's impossible not to notice how everyone deals with grief and infertility differently.

This has been a struggle for us since before our first pregnancy and it continues to be a struggle as we move forward, still grieving the loss of both babies, in trying again for a third time. 

Prior to ever getting pregnant, there was worry, fear, sadness, and disappointment as more cycles passed and we were not pregnant.  Like many of the struggles with infertility and grieving, I struggled with this reality much more than Lloyd.  From what I have read and seen in real-life, this is an all too common scenario.

Getting pregnant and having babies is a gift that God blessed woman with.  It's an innate part of every woman.  Motherhood is a dream that almost every woman dreams about at some point in her life.  For most, we find the love of our life, get married, and then start having children.  It's pretty much assumed that once you are married, kids are next and the question seems to come all too frequent from friends and family members the second you say "I Do".

On top of that, we live in a society that is always telling us how easy it is to get pregnant and have babies.  Although infertility and miscarriages are very common, most do not hear about how common it really is until you are in the midst of the journey. 

For me personally, I knew of one person in real life who had suffered a miscarriage and only a select few who had struggled with infertility.  It really was not something I was aware of or that I thought we would ever be dealing with.  I had the impression that once we went off birth control and started trying, things would happen rather fast...and according to "my plan".

So, what happens when "my plan" does not come to fruition?  What happens when months go by and there's still no pregnancy?  What happens when you suffer multiple losses and the true fear of whether or not you will ever be a mom starts to creep in to your mind?  What happens when you are still grieving and your spouse just wants some normalcy to life again (and so do you!)?  How do you work through these differences and walk this journey together?  How do you keep your marriage as first priority, especially with your sex life?

First, I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing husband who has truly been here for me in the best of times and the worst of times.  This journey has been both of those for us and I believe that we have lived up to our vows to the best of our ability.  This journey has been one that has strengthened our marriage, and us as individuals, because we have walked this path together, side by side, hand in hand.

Yes, we've had many moments where we do not understand each other.  We have had moments where we are frustrated and want to give up on this quest to start our family.  We have grieved our losses and disappointments much differently at times. 

But, ultimately, we keep leaning in to each other, sharing with each other what we are feeling and how the other person can help.  We have both made it known to each other that we are here for one another and that we will get through this together.  Most importantly, we have given each other the much needed grace that is required when we are not on the same page and grieving differently.

I firmly believe that the reason woman struggle with this so differently is because it's our body...a body God designed for pregnancy, childbirth, and nurturing our little ones.  When things don't work out, fear starts to creep in and we start wondering if we will ever have our dream of motherhood fulfilled.  For me, especially after this last loss, I have been struggling with grief, fear, and blaming my body (even though there is nothing I can do differently).

In addition, when struggling with infertility, trying to get pregnant, and losses, there are so many things that we, as women, just cannot escape...we take our temperature, monitor our cervical mucus, know when ovulation is and when our period is due, and we analyze ever symptom in hopes that "this is it".  And then, our period arrives (and who is joyous when this happens without infertility and loss struggles!?!?) and it's just a reminder of what is not, whether another failed cycle or worse...a reminder of our losses and that I am not pregnant. 

I would love to just let it go and "go with the flow" but, now after two losses, it is more important than ever to know as soon as possible when I am pregnant so I can start progesterone and all the tests that are to come in the upcoming pregnancy.  It's a daily part of my life for now that I have had to accept. 

We are officially on our third attempt and I can see how different things are this time around.  Last time I had this "need" to be pregnant again (especially in the early months following the loss of Joy) and was devastated each month when we were not.  It really took it's toll on both of us and I know that Lloyd fears this happening again.  I am so thankful that Lloyd recently lovingly confronted me with his feelings and that we were able to have a honest conversation on how we can travel this path together, with both of us having our needs met.  Although it was hard to hear at first, it came from a heart that really wants the best for me and us. 

This time around is different.  When my period came this last month, I was sad and disappointed...but I also felt a peace I had not felt in quite some time.  I know that God has this and it's in His timing...and that's really all that I want!  For now, I want to focus on us and our marriage, being intentional and enjoying this time that we have together without kids.  We are both committed to trying our best and letting God do the rest!