Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

 

 

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

One of the most difficult things for women grieving after a miscarriage is that they feel alone.  Part of this is because many people don't talk about miscarriages- either because they don't understand that it truly is a loss (not only of a baby but also the hopes and dreams they had for this baby and their family) and/or they simply don't know what to say.  Since miscarriages are very common (1 in 5 realized pregnancies will result in a miscarriage), I feel that it's important to educate people on ways to help support those that have lost a child.

Here are some helpful hints:
 

• Let them know that you are there for them, thinking of them and praying for them.  Cards were actually really sweet and very much appreciated. 
• Text messages and e-mails might be better so that it allows them to respond when they are ready.
• Food, gift cards, stuffed animals, and books are great ideas.  Plants can be a good idea but I would stay away from flowers (they tend to die and well, that could be a little painful).
• Be there in the initial days but also be there in the weeks and months to come.
• Be willing to talk about the baby (of course, only if the parents want to!).  It will bring them comfort to know that their baby is thought of and can be shared with loved ones.
• Try to stay away from these statements.  Although well intended, they do not help (and sometimes can be hurtful).
• This was God's will (although very true, now is not the time to say it)
• This was probably a blessing in disguise.  There was probably something wrong with the baby (in the moment, I would've gladly taken any child God would give me and love it with everything I have).
• At least you weren't farther along (A loss is a loss no matter how early on.  All losses are painful and deserve to be mourned).
• Be glad you didn't get attached to it (Most women are automatically "attached" from the time they saw the second line on the pregnancy test).
• Please don't share stories of women who had multiple losses and then went on to have a healthy baby (Although the end result is a baby, the thought of having to go through this all over again is very frightening).
• You can always have another one (This has to be one of the worst things you can say. Having another baby has nothing to do with the loss of this baby. This baby is simply irreplaceable).
• Remember that most miscarriages are 100% unavoidable and weren't the result of something the mother did.  Try to reaffirm the mother that it wasn't her fault.
• Miscarriage is very difficult for dad too.  This is definitely not something that just affects the mom.  It's important that dad is able to grieve too and know that he has support from loved ones!

Miscarriage IS the loss of a life...a baby that was truly loved, prayed for, wanted, and cherished just as much as any baby that a mother and father get to actually take home and hold in their arms.