Trust in the Lord With ALL Your Heart

Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of the first bible verses I remember memorizing in youth group.  Every week we would have to memorize bible verses and at the end of the year "scripture memorization" was one of the competitions at the yearly round-up.  I have always had a great ability to memorize, mainly because my brain literally takes a picture of what I see and I am able to regurgitate the words, and I excelled in this part of the "competition". 

If I reflect on the countless verses once memorized, I cannot recall a single verse at the top of my head.  However, in those first moments after learning we had lost our baby, it was this precise verse that came to my mind and heart.

 

 

If I had to dedicate a single verse in all the bible to this journey, Proverbs 3:5-6 would be the verse!  I'm humbled and comforted by this command to TRUST God with ALL my heart and not to lean on MY understanding. 

 

Let's face it, there is no way to comprehend or UNDERSTAND why God would finally answer months of prayers, give us a baby, allow us to get insanely attached to this precious gift that is our son or daughter, and give us an excitement and hope that is indescribable, only to allow it to be taken away all too soon. 

 

In the many conversations I had with family and friends in the early days, the comment of understanding would often come up...and, my response was always, "I don't feel the need to understand...I know that God has a plan".  I find comfort in knowing the truth that God ordained our baby's life for 10.5 weeks and that there has to be some greater purpose for going through this trial. 

 

Trials are not always a consequence for something you or I did wrong, sometimes they are allowed even when we do everything right.  Sometimes God allows these things to happen (even to the best of people, believers, and followers) so that He can complete a work in us that when we are through the trial we will be complete, not lacking anything. 

 

 

While IN the moments of this trial, JOY is the last word I would use to describe my demeanor and disposition.  Honestly, words that come to mind to describe how I was feeling are hurt, restless, sad, angry, depressed, and full of fear.  However, having walked through the past months and seeing how much God has used this trial to change me in so many ways, I can see and feel the JOY that comes when God tests you in so many ways and you come through the trial a completely different person than when you started!

 

I thank God daily for this journey that He has me on!  I am so thankful that He blessed my husband and I with our baby, that I was able to experience the joy in finding out we were pregnant and the sheer beauty of pregnancy, that I got to see our little baby's heartbeat, and that I was able to see a glimpse of the love a parent has for their children!  I find so much strength in the hope of all these things being experienced again with our next baby...they are the precious moments and memories tucked safely in my heart that keep me encouraged and persevering, even in the moments when my mind feels like giving up.

 

I'm thankful that while trying to find out "why" and learn the "lessons I'm supposed to learn" that I am able to TRUST God with ALL my heart and not lean on my own understanding...and He is directing my paths!