I first heard this song right around our 5th month of trying to get pregnant. It was the perfect "gift" from God at this time in our journey. This song was His way of telling me to be patient, peaceful, hopeful, and to continue persevering, knowing that He will come through. I would play this song and have it on "repeat", listening to it constantly. Every time I heard the song it took me into this place of serene peace, hope, and excitement for all that God was doing in our life. It magically erased the fears of whether or not we could get pregnant...this was my "lifesong" during these couple of months.
Then God took us on a whole new path when we lost our baby and all of a sudden, I couldn't even listen to this song. It would come on my playlist and I would quickly click "next". Or, I would listen and the words did not speak to me the same way they had just a few short months ago.
In the days, weeks, and months after losing our baby I really struggled in my relationship with God. Even though I knew and trusted that God is good, God is faithful, His plan is best, and I found hope in knowing that we could get pregnant, I still struggled to let God (and most everyone in my life) in because the pain was so fresh. It was like I was going through the motions of praying, going to church, constantly trying to understand "why" in an attempt to fast forward through this process as quickly as possible and yet I felt so distant from God.
From the time the "gun went off" (in the hospital, lying on the ultrasound bed confirming the miscarriage) and the race started, I knew that God was there every step of the way. But, it took time for me to let God in...the pain I felt in those early days was so excruciating that I "didn't want to go there". I was in this sense of denial and couldn't truly face the pain. I would meet with my therapist, specifically to deal with the grief of the miscarriage, and I felt like I wasn't making any progress. Week after week, I knew exactly what I was feeling and wanted to talk about before our appointment...but then I would get in the room and "freeze". I literally could not "go there" because then I would have to feel every ounce of the pain and it was too much to bear at this time.
As time moved on though and the pain eased, God persevered and He won! He has slowly unveiled some of the puzzle pieces to me and, although we have a long way to go until the puzzle is complete, with each piece I found strength in His love, peace, joy, grace, and mercy. The past couple of months have been a prayer of "how can I use all that God has taught me through this journey to reach out to others and provide comfort and support to those struggling with the same pain, sadness, and fears that I have?"
It's my prayer that everyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss (no matter when they lost the baby...a loss at 4 weeks is still a loss and deserves mourning) will find strength in knowing that you are NEVER alone...no matter what, you have a God that loves you (and loves your baby more than you do!) and is there for you every step of the way! I pray that you feel His peace that surpasses all understanding and continue to trust in His faithfulness while you're waiting for Him to answer all your prayers in His perfect timing!
No comments:
Post a Comment