I read a book, "Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss" (found here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0878331824?camp=1789&creative=9325&ie=UTF8 ). It helped guide me through the following questions:
- How will I feel if we get pregnant right away? Will I be emotionally ready?
- What if it takes us longer than we want to get pregnant? How will I cope with this disappointment month after month?
- Do I want to be pregnant so that it replaces the pain of losing this baby or do I want it for the right reasons?
But, in a time where I learned that I was completely powerless, I felt the need to take control where I could. Although I wanted to give myself time to heal emotionally and physically, I also had this intense desire to be pregnant again- no matter what, I needed to be moving forward (part of my "let's fast forward as quickly as possible through this journey!" mentality).
At my two week post-D&C follow-up, my doctor advised that we wait two full cycles before trying again. I kindly told her that we weren't going to try but we also weren't going to prevent..."If God wants us to be pregnant, that's His will and I'm willing to risk another loss if it's too soon". She reassured me that if we did get pregnant we wouldn't be at an increased risk. Apparently they offer this advice to allow the uterus to rebuild it's lining but also because it's easier to date the pregnancy and to allow time for emotional healing.
So, full of fear and anxiety, I decided that I was going to trust God and continue doing what I could. We started trying immediately. That first month was really hard as my body was still recovering from the pregnancy and D&C. I took a HPT every week until I got a negative. This took 3 weeks and I was surprised at my anger every time the test was still positive...it was painful to see a positive test and know that we weren't pregnant, but it was also a reminder that my body wasn't 100% healed and we couldn't get pregnant again until the test turned negative.
In the beginning months, I was angry that I now had to chart again (I had just stopped charting one cycle before getting pregnant...I commit to 6 months of charting to make sure I ovulate so that if we ever have to go for testing they won't send me home and say "chart for 6 months and then come back"). It felt like we were starting all over again. I was also angry every time I realized that my body had changed with pregnancy...my periods were heavier, more painful, and longer; I didn't ovulate like clockwork and my cycles, although within the norms of regular, seemed really inconsistent and unpredictable.
Getting my period month after month was HARD. Each month I was so hopeful and excited for the possibility of being pregnant. Then my period would come and I was full of anger, sadness, and a sense of loss that was extremely intense. I would be in a funk for the first 2-3 days, not wanting to try anymore and wanting to give up. I would throw a pity party for one (definitely not my proudest moments!).
I was anxious, really wanting to be pregnant again before our EDD. This anxiety was present at all times...when will I ovulate? Are we pregnant this month (I have symptoms!)? With each passing month and getting closer to our EDD, the anxiety seemed to really take over. It wasn't until God gave us a "Not Yet" on our last chance cycle (Cycle 6), that I was finally able to feel peace knowing that we have our answer of not being pregnant before our EDD and IT'S OKAY!
It was Cycle 5 that really was a turnaround for me. We were "late" and I felt really confident that God was letting me know that we were pregnant again. I was super excited! I hesitated another day before finally letting go and taking a test...it was negative and my heart immediately sank. I held out hope knowing that my period had not arrived. Then, God and I had a serious "talk". Although I was ecstatic at the possibility of being pregnant again, God really challenged me in how I would deal with this pregnancy. I had to admit, for the first time, that I was full of fear of the possibility of having to go through all of this again (for months I had been "telling" myself that all I needed was to get pregnant...I had not acknowledged that fear of another miscarriage was indeed present, but God knew!). It was then that I realized how God is using this journey to build my trust in Him so that, when we do get pregnant again, I will be able to let go of ALL my fears and give it ALL to Him!
I was truly exhausted from the roller coaster of ever-changing emotions, from highs to lows. It's like this cycle took everything out of me and forced me to TRULY submit to God. Cycle 6 was different in that I was hopeful (but not setting myself up for disappointment) and yet very peaceful. My anxiety was almost non-existent throughout the entire month. When my period finally came, I was sad but not overly depressed and in a funk.
We have been trying for 7 months now and only God knows what this cycle will bring (I'm praying for a positive, if it's His will!). All I know is that God is in control of this journey...He has a plan that is far greater than my own! With each passing month, He is healing my broken heart and building up a trust in Him that is unshakable!
After going through ALL of this, I know the following:
- God is in the driver's seat and I can find peace in His timing
- God will comfort me in the next pregnancy- there is no need to fear
- Even if we have more miscarriages, I am strong enough to get through it
- I will never quit on our dream to have our family so long as God keeps the desire in my heart
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