For many months (more than I even want to admit) following the loss of our baby, I was overly anxious. I often found myself constantly having to repeat the same prayer, multiple times a day, giving God all of my concerns, worries, and fears.
In the early days, I prayed and continued to have faith in God...but honestly, it was a half-hearted trust during this time. I knew in my heart that God is good, He is faithful, He will come through in His perfect timing, God is for me, and He loves me more than I can ever imagine and greatly more than I deserve. But for some reason, I didn't feel "close" to God in those initial days and weeks. The pain was too intense and I "didn't want to go there yet".
I was in this constant struggle of wanting to gain control. This need for control was driven out of all my fears..."What if it takes a while to get pregnant again?", "What if we lose another baby?", "How much longer do we have to wait?", and "What if we never get pregnant again?". In addition, I had feelings that I would never allow myself to get excited and attached to another pregnancy- that the next time would be completely different, full of fear instead of absolute joy.
You see, all of these fears, caused this need to control everything. And with that, I felt alone and distant from God (even though I knew that it was my own doing- He was right there with me every step of the way!). As time passed, I was able to see the small pieces of the work He was doing in me. As my fears were handed over to God, I felt less need to control and found greater peace.
Peace is not the absence of trouble or problems in our life but the presence of God. He tells us not to be anxious about anything, to give everything over to Him who will provide His peace that surpasses all understanding.
Whenever I'm feeling like I need a reminder or some perspective on "Peace", I listen to this wonderful sermon (www.friendschurchyl.com/media December 9, 2012). The cliff notes version is that we are to trust God no matter what, in all circumstances, and that we can get to a place in our hearts that our prayer is "WHATEVER".
Whatever your will is God, I want it...I might not understand what He is doing, why He does certain things in my life, or where He is taking me but, no matter what, I will trust in Him who makes all things good!
So my prayer each and every day is for God to change my heart so that I can truly say with confidence...no matter what the answer is God, I want your will!!! My heart is in a place of hopeful expectation, filled with excitement of finding out that we are pregnant again! I cannot wait to enjoy another pregnancy and baby, knowing that no matter what, God is for me and His grace and peace is sufficient to sustain me every minute of every day!
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